Without entering into criticisms of chronology about the hour of his
death, I shall only prove that Mr. Partridge is not alive. And my first
argument is thus: Above a thousand gentelmen having bought his almanacks
for this year, merely to find what he said against me; at every line
they read, they would lift up their eyes, and cry out, betwixt rage and
laughter, "They were sure no man alive ever writ such damn'd stuff
as this." Neither did I ever hear that opinion disputed: So that Mr.
Partridge lies under a dilemma, either of disowning his almanack, or
allowing himself to be "no man alive". But now if an uninformed
carcase walks still about, and is pleased to call itself Partridge, Mr.
Bickerstaff does not think himself any way answerable for that. Neither
had the said carcase any right to beat the poor boy who happen'd to pass
by it in the street, crying, "A full and true account of Dr. Partridge's
death, etc."

Secondly, Mr. Partridge pretends to tell fortunes, and recover stolen
goods; which all the parish says he must do by conversing with the
devil and other evil spirits: And no wise man will ever allow he could
converse personally with either, till after he was dead.

Thirdly, I will plainly prove him to be dead out of his own almanack for
this year, and from the very passage which he produces to make us think
him alive. He there says, "He is not only now alive, but was also alive
on the very 29th of March, which I foretold he should die on": By this,
he declares his opinion, that a man may be alive now, who was not
alive a twelvemonth ago. And indeed, there lies the sophistry of this
argument. He dares not assert, he was alive ever since that 29th of
March, but that he is now alive, and was so on that day: I grant the
latter; for he did not die till night, as appears by the printed account
of his death, in a letter to a lord; and whether he is since revived
I leave the world to judge. This indeed is perfect cavilling, and I am
ashamed to dwell any longer upon it.

Fourthly, I will appeal to Mr. Partridge himself, whether it be probable
I could have been so indiscreet, to begin my predictions with the only
falsehood that ever was pretended to be in them; and this in an affair
at home, where I had so many opportunities to be exact; and must have
given such advantages against me to a person of Mr. Partridge's wit and
learning, who, if he could possibly have raised one single objection
more against the truth of my prophecies, would hardly have spared me.

And here I must take occasion to reprove the above mention'd writer of
the relation of Mr. Partridge's death, in a letter to a lord; who was
pleased to tax me with a mistake of four whole hours in my calculation
of that event. I must confess, this censure pronounced with an air
of certainty, in a matter that so nearly concerned me, and by a grave
judicious author, moved me not a little. But tho' I was at that time out
of town, yet several of my friends, whose curiosity had led them to be
exactly informed (for as to my own part, having no doubt at all in the
matter, I never once thought of it) assured me, I computed to something
under half an hour: which (I speak my private opinion) is an error of no
very great magnitude, that men should raise a clamour about it. I shall
only say, it would not be amiss, if that author would henceforth be more
tender of other men's reputations as well as his own. It is well there
were no more mistakes of that kind; if there had, I presume he would
have told me of them with as little ceremony.

There is one objection against Mr. Partridge's death, which I have
sometimes met with, though indeed very slightly offered, That he still
continues to write almanacks. But this is no more than what is common
to all that profession; Gadbury, Poor Robin, Dove, Wing, and several
others, do yearly publish their almanacks, though several of them have
been dead since before the Revolution. Now the natural reason of this
I take to be, that whereas it is the privilege of other authors to live
after their deaths; almanack-makers are alone excluded, because their
dissertations treating only upon the minutes as they pass, become
useless as those go off. In consideration of which, Time, whose
registers they are, gives them a lease in reversion, to continue their
works after their death.

I should not have given the publick or myself the trouble of this
vindication, if my name had not been made use of by several persons,
to whom I never lent it; one of which, a few days ago, was pleased to
father on me a new sett of predictions. But I think those are things too
serious to be trifled with. It grieved me to the heart, when I saw my
labours, which had cost me so much thought and watching, bawl'd about by
common hawkers, which I only intended for the weighty consideration of
the gravest persons. This prejudiced the world so much at first, that
several of my friends had the assurance to ask me whether I were in
jest? To which I only answered coldly, that the event would shew. But
it is the talent of our age and nation, to turn things of the greatest
importance into ridicule. When the end of the year had verified all my
predictions, out comes Mr. Partridge's almanack, disputing the point
of his death; so that I am employed, like the general who was forced to
kill his enemies twice over, whom a necromancer had raised to life. If
Mr. Partridge has practised the same experiment upon himself, and
be again alive, long may he continue so; that does not in the least
contradict my veracity: But I think I have clearly proved, by invincible
demonstration, that he died at farthest within half an hour of the time
I foretold, and not four hours sooner, as the above-mentioned author, in
his letter to a lord, hath maliciously suggested, with design to blast
my credit, by charging me with so gross a mistake.


*****




A famous prediction of Merlin, the British wizard.

Written above a thousand years ago, and relating to the year 1709, with
explanatory notes.

Last year was publish'd a paper of predictions, pretended to be written
by one Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq; but the true design of it was to
ridicule the art of astrology, and expose its professors as ignorant
or impostors. Against this imputation, Dr. Partridge hath vindicated
himself in his almanack for that year.

For a farther vindication of this famous art, I have thought fit to
present the world with the following prophecy. The original is said to
be of the famous Merlin, who lived about a thousand years ago; and
the following translation is two hundred years old, for it seems to be
written near the end of Henry the Seventh's reign. I found it in an old
edition of Merlin's Prophecies, imprinted at London by John Hawkins
in the year 1530, page 39. I set it down word for word in the old
orthography, and shall take leave to subjoin a few explanatory notes.

          Seven and Ten addyd to Nyne,
          Of Fraunce her Woe this is the Sygne,
          Tamys Rivere twys y-frozen,
          Walke sans wetyng Shoes ne Hozen.
          Then comyth foorthe, ich understonde,
          From Town of Stoffe to farryn Londe,
          An herdye Chyftan, woe the Morne
          To Fraunce, that evere he was born.
          Than shall the fyshe beweyle his Bosse;
          Nor shall grin Berrys make up the Losse.
          Yonge Symnele shall again miscarrye:
          And Norways Pryd again shall marrye.
          And from the tree where Blosums feele,
          Ripe Fruit shall come, and all is wele,
          Reaums shall daunce Honde in Honde,
          And it shall be merrye in old Inglonde,
          Then old Inglonde shall be no more,
          And no man shall be sorre therefore.
          Geryon shall have three Hedes agayne,
          Till Hapsburge makyth them but twayne.

Explanatory notes.

Seven and Ten. This line describes the year when these events shall
happen. Seven and ten makes seventeen, which I explain seventeen
hundred, and this number added to nine, makes the year we are now in;
for it must be understood of the natural year, which begins the first of
January.

Tamys Rivere twys, etc. The River Thames, frozen twice in one year, so
as men to walk on it, is a very signal accident, which perhaps hath not
fallen out for several hundred years before, and is the reason why some
astrologers have thought that this prophecy could never be fulfilled,
because they imagine such a thing would never happen in our climate.

From Town of Stoffe, etc. This is a plain designation of the Duke of
Marlborough: One kind of stuff used to fatten land is called marle,
and every body knows that borough is a name for a town; and this way
of expression is after the usual dark manner of old astrological
predictions.

Then shall the Fyshe, etc. By the fish, is understood the Dauphin of
France, as their kings eldest sons are called: 'Tis here said, he shall
lament the loss of the Duke of Burgundy, called the Bosse, which is an
old English word for hump-shoulder, or crook-back, as that Duke is known
to be; and the prophecy seems to mean, that he should be overcome or
slain. By the green berrys, in the next line, is meant the young Duke
of Berry, the Dauphin's third son, who shall not have valour or fortune
enough to supply the loss of his eldest brother.

Yonge Symnele, etc. By Symnele is meant the pretended Prince of Wales,
who, if he offers to attempt anything against England, shall miscarry as
he did before. Lambert Symnele is the name of a young man, noted in our
histories for personating the son (as I remember) of Edward the fourth.

And Norway's Pryd, etc. I cannot guess who is meant by Norway's Pride,
perhaps the reader may, as well as the sense of the two following lines.

Reaums shall, etc. Reums, or, as the word is now, realms, is the old
name for kingdoms: And this is a very plain prediction of our happy
Union, with the felicities that shall attend it. It is added that Old
England shall be no more, and yet no man shall be sorry for it. And
indeed, properly speaking, England is now no more, for the whole island
is one Kingdom, under the name of Britain.

Geryon shall, etc. This prediction, tho' somewhat obscure, is
wonderfully adapt. Geryon is said to have been a king of Spain, whom
Hercules slew. It was a fiction of the poets, that he had three heads,
which the author says he shall have again: That is, Spain shall have
three kings; which is now wonderfully verified; for besides the King of
Portugal, which properly is part of Spain, there are now two rivals for
Spain, Charles and Philip: But Charles being descended fro the Count of
Hapsburgh, founder of the Austrian family, shall soon make those heads
but two; by overturning Philip, and driving him out of Spain.

Some of these predictions are already fulfilled; and it is highly
probable the rest may be in due time; and, I think, I have not forced
the words, by my explication, into any other sense than what they will
naturally bear. If this be granted, I am sure it must be also allow'd,
that the author (whoever he were) was a person of extraordinary
sagacity; and that astrology brought to such perfection as this, is by
no means an art to be despised, whatever Mr. Bickerstaff, or other
merry gentlemen are pleased to think. As to the tradition of these lines
having been writ in the original by Merlin, I confess I lay not much
weight upon it: But it is enough to justify their authority, that the
book from whence I have transcrib'd them, was printed 170 years ago, as
appears by the title-page. For the satisfaction of any gentleman, who
may be either doubtful of the truth, or curious to be inform'd; I shall
give order to have the very book sent to the printer of this paper, with
directions to let anybody see it that pleases, because I believe it is
pretty scarce.


*****




Dr. John Arbuthnot and Alexander Pope

Annus Mirabilis: or, The wonderful effects of the approaching
conjunction of the planets Jupiter, Mars, and Saturn.

By Mart. Scriblerus, Philomath.

In nova fert animus mutatas dicere formas corpora.....

I suppose every body is sufficiently appriz'd of, and duly prepar'd
for, the famous conjunction to be celebrated the 29th of this instant
December, 1722, foretold by all the sages of antiquity, under the name
of the Annus Mirabilis, or the metamorphostical conjunction: a word
which denotes the mutual transformation of sexes, (the effect of that
configuration of the celestial bodies) the human males being turn'd into
females, and the human females into males.

The Egyptians have represented this great transformation by several
significant hieroglyphicks, particularly one very remarkable. There are
carv'd upon an obelisk, a barber and a midwife; the barber delivers
his razor to the midwife, and she her swadling-cloaths to the barber.
Accordingly Thales Milesius (who like the rest of his countrymen,
borrow'd his learning from the Egyptians) after having computed the
time of this famous conjunction, "Then," says he, "shall men and women
mutually exchange the pangs of shaving and child-bearing."

Anaximander modestly describes this metamorphosis in mathematical terms:
"Then," says he, "shall the negative quantity of the women be turn'd
into positive, their - into +;" (i.e.) their minus into plus.

Plato not only speaks of this great change, but describes all the
preparations towards it. "Long before the bodily transformation, (says
he) nature shall begin the most difficult part of her work, by changing
the ideas and inclinations of the two sexes: Men shall turn effeminate,
and women manly; wives shall domineer, and husbands obey; ladies shall
ride a horseback, dress'd like cavaliers; princes and nobles appear in
night-rails and petticoats; men shall squeak upon theatres with female
voices, and women corrupt virgins; lords shall knot and cut paper; and
even the northern people.........:" A Greek phrase (which for modesty's
sake I forbear to translate) which denotes a vice too frequent amongst
us.

That the Ministry foresaw this great change, is plain from the
Callico-Act; whereby it is now become the occupation of women all
over England, to convert their useless female habits into beds,
window-curtains, chairs, and joint-stools; undressing themselves (as it
were) before their transformation.

The philosophy of this transformation will not seem surprizing to people
who search into the bottom of things. Madam Bourignon, a devout French
lady, has shewn us, how man was at first created male and female in
one individual, having the faculty of propagation within himself:
A circumstance necessary to the state of innocence, wherein a man's
happiness was not to depend upon the caprice of another. It was not till
after he had made a faux pas, that he had his female mate. Many such
transformations of individuals have been well attested; particularly
one by Montaigne, and another by the late Bishop of Salisbury. From
all which it appears, that this system of male and female has already
undergone and may hereafter suffer, several alterations. Every smatterer
in anatomy knows, that a woman is but an introverted man; a new fusion
and flatus will turn the hollow bottom of a bottle into a convexity; but
I forbear, (for the sake of my modest men-readers, who are in a few days
to be virgins.)

In some subjects, the smallest alterations will do: some men are
sufficiently spread about the hips, and contriv'd with female softness,
that they want only the negative quantity to make them buxom wenches;
and there are women who are, as it were, already the ebauche of a good
sturdy man. If nature cou'd be puzzl'd, it will be how to bestow the
redundant matter of the exuberant bubbies that now appear about town, or
how to roll out the short dapper fellows into well-siz'd women.

This great conjunction will begin to operate on Saturday the 29th
instant. Accordingly, about eight at night, as Senezino shall begin at
the Opera, si videte, he shall be observ'd to make an unusual motion;
upon which the audience will be affected with a red suffusion over their
countenance: And because a strong succession of the muscles of the belly
is necessary towards performing this great operation, both sexes will
be thrown into a profuse involuntary laughter. Then (to use the modest
terms of Anaximander) shall negative quantity be turn'd into positive,
etc. Time never beheld, nor will it ever assemble, such a number
of untouch'd virgins within those walls! but alas! such will be the
impatience and curiosity of people to act in their new capacity, that
many of them will be compleated men and women that very night. To
prevent the disorders that may happen upon this occasion, is the chief
design of this paper.

Gentlemen have begun already to make use of this conjunction to compass
their filthy purposes. They tell the ladies forsooth, that it is only
parting with a perishable commodity, hardly of so much value as a
callico under-petticoat; since, like its mistress, it will be useless in
the form it is now in. If the ladies have no regard to the dishonour and
immorality of the action, I desire they will consider, that nature who
never destroys her own productions, will exempt big-belly'd women till
the time of their lying-in; so that not to be transformed, will be the
same as to be pregnant. If they don't think it worth while to defend a
fortress that is to be demolish'd in a few days, let them reflect that
it will be a melancholy thing nine months hence, to be brought to bed of
a bastard; a posthumous bastard as it were, to which the quondam father
can be no more than a dry nurse.

This wonderful transformation is the instrument of nature, to balance
matters between the sexes. The cruelty of scornful mistresses shall be
return'd; the slighted maid shall grow into an imperious gallant, and
reward her undoer with a big belly, and a bastard.

It is hardly possible to imagine the revolutions that this wonderful
phaenomenon will occasion over the face of the earth. I long impatiently
to see the proceedings of the Parliament of Paris, as to the title
of succession to the crown, this being a case not provided for by the
salique law. There will be no preventing disorders amongst friars and
monks; for certainly vows of chastity do not bind but under the sex in
which they were made. The same will hold good with marriages, tho' I
think it will be a scandal amongst Protestants for husbands and wives
to part, since there remains still a possibility to perform the debitus
conjugale, by the husband being femme couverte. I submit it to the
judgment of the gentlemen of the long robe, whether this transformation
does not discharge all suits of rapes?

The Pope must undergo a new groping; but the false prophet Mahomet has
contriv'd matters well for his successors; for as the Grand Signior
has now a great many fine women, he will then have as many fine young
gentelmen, at his devotion.

These are surprizing scenes; but I beg leave to affirm, that the solemn
operations of nature are subjects of contemplation, not of ridicule.
Therefore I make it my earnest request to the merry fellows, and
giggling girls about town, that they would not put themselves in a high
twitter, when they go to visit a general lying-in of his first child;
his officers serving as midwives, nurses and rockers dispensing caudle;
or if they behold the reverend prelates dressing the heads and airing
the linnen at court, I beg they will remember that these offices must be
fill'd with people of the greatest regularity, and best characters. For
the same reason, I am sorry that a certain prelate, who notwithstanding
his confinement (in December 1723), still preserves his healthy,
chearful countenance, cannot come in time to be a nurse at court.

I likewise earnestly intreat the maids of honour, (then ensigns and
captains of the guard) that, at their first setting out, they have some
regard to their former station, and do not run wild through all the
infamous houses about town: That the present grooms of the bed-chamber
(then maids of honour) would not eat chalk and lime in their
green-sickness: And in general, that the men would remember they are
become retromingent, and not by inadvertency lift up against walls and
posts.

Petticoats will not be burdensome to the clergy; but balls and
assemblies will be indecent for some time.

As for you, coquettes, bawds, and chamber-maids, (the future ministers,
plenipotentiaries, and cabinet-counsellors to the princes of the earth,)
manage the great intrigues that will be committed to your charge, with
your usual secrecy and conduct; and the affairs of your masters will go
better than ever.

O ye exchange women! (our right worshipful representatives that are to
be) be not so griping in the sale of your ware as your predecessors,
but consider that the nation, like a spend-thrift heir, has run out:
Be likewise a little more continent in your tongues than you are at
present, else the length of debates will spoil your dinners.

You housewifely good women, who not preside over the confectionary,
(henceforth commissioners of the Treasury) be so good as to dispense the
sugar-plumbs of the Government with a more impartial and frugal hand.

Ye prudes and censorious old maids, (the hopes of the Bench) exert
but your usual talent of finding faults, and the laws will be strictly
executed; only I would not have you proceed upon such slender evidences
as you have done hitherto.

It is from you, eloquent oyster-merchants of Billingsgate, (just ready
to be called to the Bar, and quoif'd like your sister-serjants,) that we
expect the shortening the time, and lessening the expences of law-suits:
For I think you are observ'd to bring your debates to a short issue; and
even custom will restrain you from taking the oyster, and leaving only
the shell to your client.

O ye physicians, (who in the figure of old women are to clean the tripe
in the markets) scour it as effectually as you have done that of your
patients, and the town will fare most deliciously on Saturdays.

I cannot but congratulate human nature, upon this happy transformation;
the only expedient left to restore the liberties and tranquillity of
mankind. This is so evident, that it is almost an affront to common
sense to insist upon the proof: If there can be any such stupid
creature as to doubt it, I desire he will make but the following obvious
reflection. There are in Europe alone, at present, about a million of
sturdy fellows, under the denomination of standing forces, with arms in
their hands: That those are masters of the lives, liberties and fortunes
of all the rest, I believe no body will deny. It is no less true in
fact, that reams of paper, and above a square mile of skins of vellum
have been employ'd to no purpose, to settle peace among those sons
of violence. Pray, who is he that will say unto them, Go and disband
yourselves? But lo! by this transformation it is done at once, and the
halcyon days of publick tranquillity return: For neither the military
temper nor discipline can taint the soft sex for a whole age to
come: Bellaque matribus invisa, War odious to mothers, will not grow
immediately palatable in their paternal state.

Nor will the influence of this transformation be less in family
tranquillity, than it is in national. Great faults will be amended, and
frailties forgiven, on both sides. A wife who has been disturb'd with
late hours, and choak'd with the hautgout of a sot, will remember her
sufferings, and avoid the temptations; and will, for the same reason,
indulge her mate in his female capacity in some passions, which she is
sensible from experience are natural to the sex. Such as vanity of fine
cloaths, being admir'd, etc. And how tenderly must she use her mate
under the breeding qualms and labour-pains which she hath felt her self?
In short, all unreasonable demands upon husbands must cease, because
they are already satisfy'd from natural experience that they are
impossible.

That the ladies may govern the affairs of the world, and the gentlemen
those of their household, better than either of them have hitherto done,
is the hearty desire of, Their most sincere well-wisher, M.S.