'Not if you went upon your knees!' he cried. 'This is the finest liqueur
brandy in Great Britain.'

Pitman put his lips to it, set it down again, and sighed.

'Well, I must say you're the poorest companion for a holiday!' cried
Michael. 'If that's all you know of brandy, you shall have no more of
it; and while I finish the flask, you may as well begin business. Come
to think of it,' he broke off, 'I have made an abominable error: you
should have ordered the cart before you were disguised. Why, Pitman,
what the devil's the use of you? why couldn't you have reminded me of
that?'

'I never even knew there was a cart to be ordered,' said the artist.
'But I can take off the disguise again,' he suggested eagerly.

'You would find it rather a bother to put on your beard,' observed the
lawyer. 'No, it's a false step; the sort of thing that hangs people,' he
continued, with eminent cheerfulness, as he sipped his brandy; 'and
it can't be retraced now. Off to the mews with you, make all the
arrangements; they're to take the piano from here, cart it to Victoria,
and dispatch it thence by rail to Cannon Street, to lie till called for
in the name of Fortune du Boisgobey.'

'Isn't that rather an awkward name?' pleaded Pitman.

'Awkward?' cried Michael scornfully. 'It would hang us both! Brown is
both safer and easier to pronounce. Call it Brown.'

'I wish,' said Pitman, 'for my sake, I wish you wouldn't talk so much of
hanging.'

'Talking about it's nothing, my boy!' returned Michael. 'But take your
hat and be off, and mind and pay everything beforehand.'

Left to himself, the lawyer turned his attention for some time
exclusively to the liqueur brandy, and his spirits, which had been
pretty fair all morning, now prodigiously rose. He proceeded to adjust
his whiskers finally before the glass. 'Devilish rich,' he remarked, as
he contemplated his reflection. 'I look like a purser's mate.' And at
that moment the window-glass spectacles (which he had hitherto destined
for Pitman) flashed into his mind; he put them on, and fell in love with
the effect. 'Just what I required,' he said. 'I wonder what I look like
now? A humorous novelist, I should think,' and he began to practise
divers characters of walk, naming them to himself as--he proceeded.
'Walk of a humorous novelist--but that would require an umbrella. Walk
of a purser's mate. Walk of an Australian colonist revisiting the scenes
of childhood. Walk of Sepoy colonel, ditto, ditto. And in the midst
of the Sepoy colonel (which was an excellent assumption, although
inconsistent with the style of his make-up), his eye lighted on the
piano. This instrument was made to lock both at the top and at the
keyboard, but the key of the latter had been mislaid. Michael opened
it and ran his fingers over the dumb keys. 'Fine instrument--full, rich
tone,' he observed, and he drew in a seat.

When Mr Pitman returned to the studio, he was appalled to observe his
guide, philosopher, and friend performing miracles of execution on the
silent grand.

'Heaven help me!' thought the little man, 'I fear he has been drinking!
Mr Finsbury,' he said aloud; and Michael, without rising, turned upon
him a countenance somewhat flushed, encircled with the bush of the red
whiskers, and bestridden by the spectacles. 'Capriccio in B-flat on the
departure of a friend,' said he, continuing his noiseless evolutions.

Indignation awoke in the mind of Pitman. 'Those spectacles were to be
mine,' he cried. 'They are an essential part of my disguise.'

'I am going to wear them myself,' replied Michael; and he added, with
some show of truth, 'There would be a devil of a lot of suspicion
aroused if we both wore spectacles.'

'O, well,' said the assenting Pitman, 'I rather counted on them; but of
course, if you insist. And at any rate, here is the cart at the door.'

While the men were at work, Michael concealed himself in the closet
among the debris of the barrel and the wires of the piano; and as soon
as the coast was clear the pair sallied forth by the lane, jumped into
a hansom in the King's Road, and were driven rapidly toward town. It
was still cold and raw and boisterous; the rain beat strongly in their
faces, but Michael refused to have the glass let down; he had now
suddenly donned the character of cicerone, and pointed out and lucidly
commented on the sights of London, as they drove. 'My dear fellow,' he
said, 'you don't seem to know anything of your native city. Suppose we
visited the Tower? No? Well, perhaps it's a trifle out of our way.
But, anyway--Here, cabby, drive round by Trafalgar Square!' And on that
historic battlefield he insisted on drawing up, while he criticized the
statues and gave the artist many curious details (quite new to history)
of the lives of the celebrated men they represented.

It would be difficult to express what Pitman suffered in the cab: cold,
wet, terror in the capital degree, a grounded distrust of the commander
under whom he served, a sense of imprudency in the matter of the
low-necked shirt, a bitter sense of the decline and fall involved in the
deprivation of his beard, all these were among the ingredients of the
bowl. To reach the restaurant, for which they were deviously steering,
was the first relief. To hear Michael bespeak a private room was a
second and a still greater. Nor, as they mounted the stair under the
guidance of an unintelligible alien, did he fail to note with gratitude
the fewness of the persons present, or the still more cheering fact that
the greater part of these were exiles from the land of France. It was
thus a blessed thought that none of them would be connected with the
Seminary; for even the French professor, though admittedly a Papist, he
could scarce imagine frequenting so rakish an establishment.

The alien introduced them into a small bare room with a single table,
a sofa, and a dwarfish fire; and Michael called promptly for more coals
and a couple of brandies and sodas.

'O, no,' said Pitman, 'surely not--no more to drink.'

'I don't know what you would be at,' said Michael plaintively. 'It's
positively necessary to do something; and one shouldn't smoke before
meals I thought that was understood. You seem to have no idea
of hygiene.' And he compared his watch with the clock upon the
chimney-piece.

Pitman fell into bitter musing; here he was, ridiculously shorn,
absurdly disguised, in the company of a drunken man in spectacles, and
waiting for a champagne luncheon in a restaurant painfully foreign. What
would his principals think, if they could see him? What if they knew his
tragic and deceitful errand?

From these reflections he was aroused by the entrance of the alien with
the brandies and sodas. Michael took one and bade the waiter pass the
other to his friend.

Pitman waved it from him with his hand. 'Don't let me lose all
self-respect,' he said.

'Anything to oblige a friend,' returned Michael. 'But I'm not going to
drink alone. Here,' he added to the waiter, 'you take it.' And, then,
touching glasses, 'The health of Mr Gideon Forsyth,' said he.

'Meestare Gidden Borsye,' replied the waiter, and he tossed off the
liquor in four gulps.

'Have another?' said Michael, with undisguised interest. 'I never saw a
man drink faster. It restores one's confidence in the human race.

But the waiter excused himself politely, and, assisted by some one from
without, began to bring in lunch.

Michael made an excellent meal, which he washed down with a bottle of
Heidsieck's dry monopole. As for the artist, he was far too uneasy to
eat, and his companion flatly refused to let him share in the champagne
unless he did.

'One of us must stay sober,' remarked the lawyer, 'and I won't give you
champagne on the strength of a leg of grouse. I have to be cautious,' he
added confidentially. 'One drunken man, excellent business--two drunken
men, all my eye.'

On the production of coffee and departure of the waiter, Michael might
have been observed to make portentous efforts after gravity of mien.
He looked his friend in the face (one eye perhaps a trifle off), and
addressed him thickly but severely.

'Enough of this fooling,' was his not inappropriate exordium. 'To
business. Mark me closely. I am an Australian. My name is John Dickson,
though you mightn't think it from my unassuming appearance. You will be
relieved to hear that I am rich, sir, very rich. You can't go into this
sort of thing too thoroughly, Pitman; the whole secret is preparation,
and I can get up my biography from the beginning, and I could tell it
you now, only I have forgotten it.'

'Perhaps I'm stupid--' began Pitman.

'That's it!' cried Michael. 'Very stupid; but rich too--richer than I
am. I thought you would enjoy it, Pitman, so I've arranged that you were
to be literally wallowing in wealth. But then, on the other hand, you're
only an American, and a maker of india-rubber overshoes at that. And the
worst of it is--why should I conceal it from you?--the worst of it
is that you're called Ezra Thomas. Now,' said Michael, with a really
appalling seriousness of manner, 'tell me who we are.'

The unfortunate little man was cross-examined till he knew these facts
by heart.

'There!' cried the lawyer. 'Our plans are laid. Thoroughly
consistent--that's the great thing.'

'But I don't understand,' objected Pitman.

'O, you'll understand right enough when it comes to the point,' said
Michael, rising.

'There doesn't seem any story to it,' said the artist.

'We can invent one as we go along,' returned the lawyer.

'But I can't invent,' protested Pitman. 'I never could invent in all my
life.'

'You'll find you'll have to, my boy,' was Michael's easy comment, and he
began calling for the waiter, with whom he at once resumed a sparkling
conversation.

It was a downcast little man that followed him. 'Of course he is very
clever, but can I trust him in such a state?' he asked himself. And when
they were once more in a hansom, he took heart of grace.

'Don't you think,' he faltered, 'it would be wiser, considering all
things, to put this business off?'

'Put off till tomorrow what can be done today?' cried Michael, with
indignation. 'Never heard of such a thing! Cheer up, it's all right, go
in and win--there's a lion-hearted Pitman!'

At Cannon Street they enquired for Mr Brown's piano, which had duly
arrived, drove thence to a neighbouring mews, where they contracted
for a cart, and while that was being got ready, took shelter in the
harness-room beside the stove. Here the lawyer presently toppled against
the wall and fell into a gentle slumber; so that Pitman found himself
launched on his own resources in the midst of several staring loafers,
such as love to spend unprofitable days about a stable. 'Rough day,
sir,' observed one. 'Do you go far?'

'Yes, it's a--rather a rough day,' said the artist; and then, feeling
that he must change the conversation, 'My friend is an Australian; he is
very impulsive,' he added.

'An Australian?' said another. 'I've a brother myself in Melbourne. Does
your friend come from that way at all?'

'No, not exactly,' replied the artist, whose ideas of the geography of
New Holland were a little scattered. 'He lives immensely far inland, and
is very rich.'

The loafers gazed with great respect upon the slumbering colonist.

'Well,' remarked the second speaker, 'it's a mighty big place, is
Australia. Do you come from thereaway too?'

'No, I do not,' said Pitman. 'I do not, and I don't want to,' he added
irritably. And then, feeling some diversion needful, he fell upon
Michael and shook him up.

'Hullo,' said the lawyer, 'what's wrong?'

'The cart is nearly ready,' said Pitman sternly. 'I will not allow you
to sleep.'

'All right--no offence, old man,' replied Michael, yawning. 'A little
sleep never did anybody any harm; I feel comparatively sober now. But
what's all the hurry?' he added, looking round him glassily. 'I don't
see the cart, and I've forgotten where we left the piano.'

What more the lawyer might have said, in the confidence of the moment,
is with Pitman a matter of tremulous conjecture to this day; but by the
most blessed circumstance the cart was then announced, and Michael must
bend the forces of his mind to the more difficult task of rising.

'Of course you'll drive,' he remarked to his companion, as he clambered
on the vehicle.

'I drive!' cried Pitman. 'I never did such a thing in my life. I cannot
drive.'

'Very well,' responded Michael with entire composure, 'neither can I
see. But just as you like. Anything to oblige a friend.'

A glimpse of the ostler's darkening countenance decided Pitman. 'All
right,' he said desperately, 'you drive. I'll tell you where to go.'

On Michael in the character of charioteer (since this is not intended
to be a novel of adventure) it would be superfluous to dwell at length.
Pitman, as he sat holding on and gasping counsels, sole witness of this
singular feat, knew not whether most to admire the driver's valour or
his undeserved good fortune. But the latter at least prevailed, the
cart reached Cannon Street without disaster; and Mr Brown's piano was
speedily and cleverly got on board.

'Well, sir,' said the leading porter, smiling as he mentally reckoned up
a handful of loose silver, 'that's a mortal heavy piano.'

'It's the richness of the tone,' returned Michael, as he drove away.

It was but a little distance in the rain, which now fell thick and
quiet, to the neighbourhood of Mr Gideon Forsyth's chambers in the
Temple. There, in a deserted by-street, Michael drew up the horses and
gave them in charge to a blighted shoe-black; and the pair descending
from the cart, whereon they had figured so incongruously, set forth
on foot for the decisive scene of their adventure. For the first time
Michael displayed a shadow of uneasiness.

'Are my whiskers right?' he asked. 'It would be the devil and all if I
was spotted.'

'They are perfectly in their place,' returned Pitman, with scant
attention. 'But is my disguise equally effective? There is nothing more
likely than that I should meet some of my patrons.'

'O, nobody could tell you without your beard,' said Michael. 'All you
have to do is to remember to speak slow; you speak through your nose
already.'

'I only hope the young man won't be at home,' sighed Pitman.

'And I only hope he'll be alone,' returned the lawyer. 'It will save a
precious sight of manoeuvring.'

And sure enough, when they had knocked at the door, Gideon admitted them
in person to a room, warmed by a moderate fire, framed nearly to the
roof in works connected with the bench of British Themis, and offering,
except in one particular, eloquent testimony to the legal zeal of the
proprietor. The one particular was the chimney-piece, which displayed
a varied assortment of pipes, tobacco, cigar-boxes, and yellow-backed
French novels.

'Mr Forsyth, I believe?' It was Michael who thus opened the engagement.
'We have come to trouble you with a piece of business. I fear it's
scarcely professional--'

'I am afraid I ought to be instructed through a solicitor,' replied
Gideon.

'Well, well, you shall name your own, and the whole affair can be put
on a more regular footing tomorrow,' replied Michael, taking a chair
and motioning Pitman to do the same. 'But you see we didn't know any
solicitors; we did happen to know of you, and time presses.'

'May I enquire, gentlemen,' asked Gideon, 'to whom it was I am indebted
for a recommendation?'

'You may enquire,' returned the lawyer, with a foolish laugh; 'but I was
invited not to tell you--till the thing was done.'

'My uncle, no doubt,' was the barrister's conclusion.

'My name is John Dickson,' continued Michael; 'a pretty well-known name
in Ballarat; and my friend here is Mr Ezra Thomas, of the United States
of America, a wealthy manufacturer of india-rubber overshoes.'

'Stop one moment till I make a note of that,' said Gideon; any one might
have supposed he was an old practitioner.

'Perhaps you wouldn't mind my smoking a cigar?' asked Michael. He had
pulled himself together for the entrance; now again there began to
settle on his mind clouds of irresponsible humour and incipient slumber;
and he hoped (as so many have hoped in the like case) that a cigar would
clear him.

'Oh, certainly,' cried Gideon blandly. 'Try one of mine; I can
confidently recommend them.' And he handed the box to his client.

'In case I don't make myself perfectly clear,' observed the Australian,
'it's perhaps best to tell you candidly that I've been lunching. It's a
thing that may happen to any one.'

'O, certainly,' replied the affable barrister. 'But please be under no
sense of hurry. I can give you,' he added, thoughtfully consulting his
watch--'yes, I can give you the whole afternoon.'

'The business that brings me here,' resumed the Australian with gusto,
'is devilish delicate, I can tell you. My friend Mr Thomas, being an
American of Portuguese extraction, unacquainted with our habits, and a
wealthy manufacturer of Broadwood pianos--'

'Broadwood pianos?' cried Gideon, with some surprise. 'Dear me, do I
understand Mr Thomas to be a member of the firm?'

'O, pirated Broadwoods,' returned Michael. 'My friend's the American
Broadwood.'

'But I understood you to say,' objected Gideon, 'I certainly have it
so in my notes--that your friend was a manufacturer of india--rubber
overshoes.'

'I know it's confusing at first,' said the Australian, with a beaming
smile. 'But he--in short, he combines the two professions. And many
others besides--many, many, many others,' repeated Mr Dickson, with
drunken solemnity. 'Mr Thomas's cotton-mills are one of the sights of
Tallahassee; Mr Thomas's tobacco-mills are the pride of Richmond, Va.;
in short, he's one of my oldest friends, Mr Forsyth, and I lay his case
before you with emotion.'

The barrister looked at Mr Thomas and was agreeably prepossessed by his
open although nervous countenance, and the simplicity and timidity of
his manner. 'What a people are these Americans!' he thought. 'Look at
this nervous, weedy, simple little bird in a lownecked shirt, and
think of him wielding and directing interests so extended and seemingly
incongruous! 'But had we not better,' he observed aloud, 'had we not
perhaps better approach the facts?'

'Man of business, I perceive, sir!' said the Australian. 'Let's approach
the facts. It's a breach of promise case.'

The unhappy artist was so unprepared for this view of his position that
he could scarce suppress a cry.

'Dear me,' said Gideon, 'they are apt to be very troublesome. Tell me
everything about it,' he added kindly; 'if you require my assistance,
conceal nothing.'

'You tell him,' said Michael, feeling, apparently, that he had done his
share. 'My friend will tell you all about it,' he added to Gideon, with
a yawn. 'Excuse my closing my eyes a moment; I've been sitting up with a
sick friend.'

Pitman gazed blankly about the room; rage and despair seethed in his
innocent spirit; thoughts of flight, thoughts even of suicide, came and
went before him; and still the barrister patiently waited, and still the
artist groped in vain for any form of words, however insignificant.

'It's a breach of promise case,' he said at last, in a low voice. 'I--I
am threatened with a breach of promise case.' Here, in desperate quest
of inspiration, he made a clutch at his beard; his fingers closed upon
the unfamiliar smoothness of a shaven chin; and with that, hope and
courage (if such expressions could ever have been appropriate in the
case of Pitman) conjointly fled. He shook Michael roughly. 'Wake up!'
he cried, with genuine irritation in his tones. 'I cannot do it, and you
know I can't.'

'You must excuse my friend,' said Michael; 'he's no hand as a narrator
of stirring incident. The case is simple,' he went on. 'My friend is
a man of very strong passions, and accustomed to a simple, patriarchal
style of life. You see the thing from here: unfortunate visit to Europe,
followed by unfortunate acquaintance with sham foreign count, who has a
lovely daughter. Mr Thomas was quite carried away; he proposed, he was
accepted, and he wrote--wrote in a style which I am sure he must
regret today. If these letters are produced in court, sir, Mr Thomas's
character is gone.'

'Am I to understand--' began Gideon.

'My dear sir,' said the Australian emphatically, 'it isn't possible to
understand unless you saw them.'

'That is a painful circumstance,' said Gideon; he glanced pityingly in
the direction of the culprit, and, observing on his countenance every
mark of confusion, pityingly withdrew his eyes.

'And that would be nothing,' continued Mr Dickson sternly, 'but I
wish--I wish from my heart, sir, I could say that Mr Thomas's hands were
clean. He has no excuse; for he was engaged at the time--and is still
engaged--to the belle of Constantinople, Ga. My friend's conduct was
unworthy of the brutes that perish.'

'Ga.?' repeated Gideon enquiringly.

'A contraction in current use,' said Michael. 'Ga. for Georgia, in The
same way as Co. for Company.'

'I was aware it was sometimes so written,' returned the barrister, 'but
not that it was so pronounced.'

'Fact, I assure you,' said Michael. 'You now see for yourself, sir, that
if this unhappy person is to be saved, some devilish sharp practice will
be needed. There's money, and no desire to spare it. Mr Thomas could
write a cheque tomorrow for a hundred thousand. And, Mr Forsyth,
there's better than money. The foreign count--Count Tarnow, he calls
himself--was formerly a tobacconist in Bayswater, and passed under
the humble but expressive name of Schmidt; his daughter--if she is his
daughter--there's another point--make a note of that, Mr Forsyth--his
daughter at that time actually served in the shop--and she now proposes
to marry a man of the eminence of Mr Thomas! Now do you see our game? We
know they contemplate a move; and we wish to forestall 'em. Down you
go to Hampton Court, where they live, and threaten, or bribe, or both,
until you get the letters; if you can't, God help us, we must go to
court and Thomas must be exposed. I'll be done with him for one,' added
the unchivalrous friend.

'There seem some elements of success,' said Gideon. 'Was Schmidt at all
known to the police?'

'We hope so,' said Michael. 'We have every ground to think so. Mark
the neighbourhood--Bayswater! Doesn't Bayswater occur to you as very
suggestive?'

For perhaps the sixth time during this remarkable interview, Gideon
wondered if he were not becoming light-headed. 'I suppose it's just
because he has been lunching,' he thought; and then added aloud, 'To
what figure may I go?'

'Perhaps five thousand would be enough for today,' said Michael. 'And
now, sir, do not let me detain you any longer; the afternoon wears
on; there are plenty of trains to Hampton Court; and I needn't try to
describe to you the impatience of my friend. Here is a five-pound note
for current expenses; and here is the address.' And Michael began to
write, paused, tore up the paper, and put the pieces in his pocket. 'I
will dictate,' he said, 'my writing is so uncertain.'

Gideon took down the address, 'Count Tarnow, Kurnaul Villa, Hampton
Court.' Then he wrote something else on a sheet of paper. 'You said you
had not chosen a solicitor,' he said. 'For a case of this sort, here is
the best man in London.' And he handed the paper to Michael.

'God bless me!' ejaculated Michael, as he read his own address.

'O, I daresay you have seen his name connected with some rather painful
cases,' said Gideon. 'But he is himself a perfectly honest man, and his
capacity is recognized. And now, gentlemen, it only remains for me to
ask where I shall communicate with you.'

'The Langham, of course,' returned Michael. 'Till tonight.'

'Till tonight,' replied Gideon, smiling. 'I suppose I may knock you up
at a late hour?'

'Any hour, any hour,' cried the vanishing solicitor.

'Now there's a young fellow with a head upon his shoulders,' he said to
Pitman, as soon as they were in the street.

Pitman was indistinctly heard to murmur, 'Perfect fool.'

'Not a bit of him,' returned Michael. 'He knows who's the best solicitor
in London, and it's not every man can say the same. But, I say, didn't I
pitch it in hot?'

Pitman returned no answer.

'Hullo!' said the lawyer, pausing, 'what's wrong with the long-suffering
Pitman?'

'You had no right to speak of me as you did,' the artist broke out;
'your language was perfectly unjustifiable; you have wounded me deeply.'

'I never said a word about you,' replied Michael. 'I spoke of Ezra
Thomas; and do please remember that there's no such party.'

'It's just as hard to bear,' said the artist.

But by this time they had reached the corner of the by-street; and
there was the faithful shoeblack, standing by the horses' heads with
a splendid assumption of dignity; and there was the piano, figuring
forlorn upon the cart, while the rain beat upon its unprotected sides
and trickled down its elegantly varnished legs.

The shoeblack was again put in requisition to bring five or six strong
fellows from the neighbouring public-house; and the last battle of the
campaign opened. It is probable that Mr Gideon Forsyth had not yet taken
his seat in the train for Hampton Court, before Michael opened the door
of the chambers, and the grunting porters deposited the Broadwood grand
in the middle of the floor.

'And now,' said the lawyer, after he had sent the men about their
business, 'one more precaution. We must leave him the key of the piano,
and we must contrive that he shall find it. Let me see.' And he built a
square tower of cigars upon the top of the instrument, and dropped the
key into the middle.

'Poor young man,' said the artist, as they descended the stairs.

'He is in a devil of a position,' assented Michael drily. 'It'll brace
him up.'

'And that reminds me,' observed the excellent Pitman, 'that I fear I
displayed a most ungrateful temper. I had no right, I see, to resent
expressions, wounding as they were, which were in no sense directed.'

'That's all right,' cried Michael, getting on the cart. 'Not a word
more, Pitman. Very proper feeling on your part; no man of self-respect
can stand by and hear his alias insulted.'

The rain had now ceased, Michael was fairly sober, the body had been
disposed of, and the friends were reconciled. The return to the mews was
therefore (in comparison with previous stages of the day's adventures)
quite a holiday outing; and when they had returned the cart and walked
forth again from the stable-yard, unchallenged, and even unsuspected,
Pitman drew a deep breath of joy. 'And now,' he said, 'we can go home.'

'Pitman,' said the lawyer, stopping short, 'your recklessness fills me
with concern. What! we have been wet through the greater part of the
day, and you propose, in cold blood, to go home! No, sir--hot Scotch.'

And taking his friend's arm he led him sternly towards the nearest
public-house. Nor was Pitman (I regret to say) wholly unwilling.
Now that peace was restored and the body gone, a certain innocent
skittishness began to appear in the manners of the artist; and when
he touched his steaming glass to Michael's, he giggled aloud like a
venturesome schoolgirl at a picnic.



CHAPTER IX. Glorious Conclusion of Michael Finsbury's Holiday

I know Michael Finsbury personally; my business--I know the awkwardness
of having such a man for a lawyer--still it's an old story now, and
there is such a thing as gratitude, and, in short, my legal business,
although now (I am thankful to say) of quite a placid character, remains
entirely in Michael's hands. But the trouble is I have no natural talent
for addresses; I learn one for every man--that is friendship's offering;
and the friend who subsequently changes his residence is dead to me,
memory refusing to pursue him. Thus it comes about that, as I always
write to Michael at his office, I cannot swear to his number in the
King's Road. Of course (like my neighbours), I have been to dinner
there. Of late years, since his accession to wealth, neglect of
business, and election to the club, these little festivals have become
common. He picks up a few fellows in the smoking-room--all men of Attic
wit--myself, for instance, if he has the luck to find me disengaged; a
string of hansoms may be observed (by Her Majesty) bowling gaily through
St James's Park; and in a quarter of an hour the party surrounds one of
the best appointed boards in London.

But at the time of which we write the house in the King's Road (let us
still continue to call it No. 233) was kept very quiet; when Michael
entertained guests it was at the halls of Nichol or Verrey that he would
convene them, and the door of his private residence remained closed
against his friends. The upper storey, which was sunny, was set apart
for his father; the drawing-room was never opened; the dining-room was
the scene of Michael's life. It is in this pleasant apartment,
sheltered from the curiosity of King's Road by wire blinds, and entirely
surrounded by the lawyer's unrivalled library of poetry and criminal
trials, that we find him sitting down to his dinner after his holiday
with Pitman. A spare old lady, with very bright eyes and a mouth
humorously compressed, waited upon the lawyer's needs; in every line of
her countenance she betrayed the fact that she was an old retainer;
in every word that fell from her lips she flaunted the glorious
circumstance of a Scottish origin; and the fear with which this powerful
combination fills the boldest was obviously no stranger to the bosom of
our friend. The hot Scotch having somewhat warmed up the embers of the
Heidsieck, It was touching to observe the master's eagerness to pull
himself together under the servant's eye; and when he remarked, 'I
think, Teena, I'll take a brandy and soda,' he spoke like a man doubtful
of his elocution, and not half certain of obedience.

'No such a thing, Mr Michael,' was the prompt return. 'Clar't and
water.'

'Well, well, Teena, I daresay you know best,' said the master. 'Very
fatiguing day at the office, though.'

'What?' said the retainer, 'ye never were near the office!'

'O yes, I was though; I was repeatedly along Fleet Street,' returned
Michael.

'Pretty pliskies ye've been at this day!' cried the old lady, with
humorous alacrity; and then, 'Take care--don't break my crystal!' she
cried, as the lawyer came within an ace of knocking the glasses off the
table.

'And how is he keeping?' asked Michael.

'O, just the same, Mr Michael, just the way he'll be till the end,
worthy man!' was the reply. 'But ye'll not be the first that's asked me
that the day.'

'No?' said the lawyer. 'Who else?'

'Ay, that's a joke, too,' said Teena grimly. 'A friend of yours: Mr
Morris.'

'Morris! What was the little beggar wanting here?' enquired Michael.

'Wantin'? To see him,' replied the housekeeper, completing her meaning
by a movement of the thumb toward the upper storey. 'That's by his way
of it; but I've an idee of my own. He tried to bribe me, Mr Michael.
Bribe--me!' she repeated, with inimitable scorn. 'That's no' kind of a
young gentleman.'

'Did he so?' said Michael. 'I bet he didn't offer much.'

'No more he did,' replied Teena; nor could any subsequent questioning
elicit from her the sum with which the thrifty leather merchant had
attempted to corrupt her. 'But I sent him about his business,' she said
gallantly. 'He'll not come here again in a hurry.'

'He mustn't see my father, you know; mind that!' said Michael. 'I'm not
going to have any public exhibition to a little beast like him.'

'No fear of me lettin' him,' replied the trusty one. 'But the joke
is this, Mr Michael--see, ye're upsettin' the sauce, that's a clean
tablecloth--the best of the joke is that he thinks your father's dead
and you're keepin' it dark.'

Michael whistled. 'Set a thief to catch a thief,' said he.

'Exac'ly what I told him!' cried the delighted dame.

'I'll make him dance for that,' said Michael.

'Couldn't ye get the law of him some way?' suggested Teena truculently.

'No, I don't think I could, and I'm quite sure I don't want to,'
replied Michael. 'But I say, Teena, I really don't believe this claret's
wholesome; it's not a sound, reliable wine. Give us a brandy and soda,
there's a good soul.' Teena's face became like adamant. 'Well, then,'
said the lawyer fretfully, 'I won't eat any more dinner.'

'Ye can please yourself about that, Mr Michael,' said Teena, and began
composedly to take away.

'I do wish Teena wasn't a faithful servant!' sighed the lawyer, as he
issued into Kings's Road.

The rain had ceased; the wind still blew, but only with a pleasant
freshness; the town, in the clear darkness of the night, glittered with
street-lamps and shone with glancing rain-pools. 'Come, this is better,'
thought the lawyer to himself, and he walked on eastward, lending a
pleased ear to the wheels and the million footfalls of the city.

Near the end of the King's Road he remembered his brandy and soda, and
entered a flaunting public-house. A good many persons were present, a
waterman from a cab-stand, half a dozen of the chronically unemployed, a
gentleman (in one corner) trying to sell aesthetic photographs out of
a leather case to another and very youthful gentleman with a yellow
goatee, and a pair of lovers debating some fine shade (in the other).
But the centre-piece and great attraction was a little old man, in a
black, ready-made surtout, which was obviously a recent purchase. On
the marble table in front of him, beside a sandwich and a glass of
beer, there lay a battered forage cap. His hand fluttered abroad with
oratorical gestures; his voice, naturally shrill, was plainly tuned to
the pitch of the lecture room; and by arts, comparable to those of
the Ancient Mariner, he was now holding spellbound the barmaid, the
waterman, and four of the unemployed.

'I have examined all the theatres in London,' he was saying; 'and pacing
the principal entrances, I have ascertained them to be ridiculously
disproportionate to the requirements of their audiences. The doors
opened the wrong way--I forget at this moment which it is, but have a
note of it at home; they were frequently locked during the performance,
and when the auditorium was literally thronged with English people. You
have probably not had my opportunities of comparing distant lands; but
I can assure you this has been long ago recognized as a mark
of aristocratic government. Do you suppose, in a country really
self-governed, such abuses could exist? Your own intelligence, however
uncultivated, tells you they could not. Take Austria, a country even
possibly more enslaved than England. I have myself conversed with one of
the survivors of the Ring Theatre, and though his colloquial German
was not very good, I succeeded in gathering a pretty clear idea of his
opinion of the case. But, what will perhaps interest you still more,
here is a cutting on the subject from a Vienna newspaper, which I will
now read to you, translating as I go. You can see for yourselves; it
is printed in the German character.' And he held the cutting out for
verification, much as a conjuror passes a trick orange along the front
bench.

'Hullo, old gentleman! Is this you?' said Michael, laying his hand upon
the orator's shoulder.

The figure turned with a convulsion of alarm, and showed the countenance
of Mr Joseph Finsbury. 'You, Michael!' he cried. 'There's no one with
you, is there?'

'No,' replied Michael, ordering a brandy and soda, 'there's nobody with
me; whom do you expect?'

'I thought of Morris or John,' said the old gentleman, evidently greatly
relieved.

'What the devil would I be doing with Morris or John?' cried the nephew.

'There is something in that,' returned Joseph. 'And I believe I can
trust you. I believe you will stand by me.'

'I hardly know what you mean,' said the lawyer, 'but if you are in need
of money I am flush.'

'It's not that, my dear boy,' said the uncle, shaking him by the hand.
'I'll tell you all about it afterwards.'

'All right,' responded the nephew. 'I stand treat, Uncle Joseph; what
will you have?'

'In that case,' replied the old gentleman, 'I'll take another
sandwich. I daresay I surprise you,' he went on, 'with my presence in
a public-house; but the fact is, I act on a sound but little-known
principle of my own--'

'O, it's better known than you suppose,' said Michael sipping his brandy
and soda. 'I always act on it myself when I want a drink.'

The old gentleman, who was anxious to propitiate Michael, laughed a
cheerless laugh. 'You have such a flow of spirits,' said he, 'I am sure
I often find it quite amusing. But regarding this principle of which
I was about to speak. It is that of accommodating one's-self to the
manners of any land (however humble) in which our lot may be cast. Now,
in France, for instance, every one goes to a cafe for his meals; in
America, to what is called a "two-bit house"; in England the people
resort to such an institution as the present for refreshment. With
sandwiches, tea, and an occasional glass of bitter beer, a man can live
luxuriously in London for fourteen pounds twelve shillings per annum.'

'Yes, I know,' returned Michael, 'but that's not including clothes,
washing, or boots. The whole thing, with cigars and occasional sprees,
costs me over seven hundred a year.'

But this was Michael's last interruption. He listened in good-humoured
silence to the remainder of his uncle's lecture, which speedily branched
to political reform, thence to the theory of the weather-glass, with an
illustrative account of a bora in the Adriatic; thence again to the best
manner of teaching arithmetic to the deaf-and-dumb; and with that, the
sandwich being then no more, explicuit valde feliciter. A moment later
the pair issued forth on the King's Road.

'Michael, I said his uncle, 'the reason that I am here is because I
cannot endure those nephews of mine. I find them intolerable.'

'I daresay you do,' assented Michael, 'I never could stand them for a
moment.'

'They wouldn't let me speak,' continued the old gentleman bitterly; 'I
never was allowed to get a word in edgewise; I was shut up at once with
some impertinent remark. They kept me on short allowance of pencils,
when I wished to make notes of the most absorbing interest; the daily
newspaper was guarded from me like a young baby from a gorilla. Now, you
know me, Michael. I live for my calculations; I live for my manifold and
ever-changing views of life; pens and paper and the productions of the
popular press are to me as important as food and drink; and my life
was growing quite intolerable when, in the confusion of that fortunate
railway accident at Browndean, I made my escape. They must think
me dead, and are trying to deceive the world for the chance of the
tontine.'

'By the way, how do you stand for money?' asked Michael kindly.

'Pecuniarily speaking, I am rich,' returned the old man with
cheerfulness. 'I am living at present at the rate of one hundred a year,
with unlimited pens and paper; the British Museum at which to get books;
and all the newspapers I choose to read. But it's extraordinary how
little a man of intellectual interest requires to bother with books in a
progressive age. The newspapers supply all the conclusions.'

'I'll tell you what,' said Michael, 'come and stay with me.'

'Michael,' said the old gentleman, 'it's very kind of you, but you
scarcely understand what a peculiar position I occupy. There are some
little financial complications; as a guardian, my efforts were not
altogether blessed; and not to put too fine a point upon the matter, I
am absolutely in the power of that vile fellow, Morris.'

'You should be disguised,' cried Michael eagerly; 'I will lend you a
pair of window-glass spectacles and some red side-whiskers.'

'I had already canvassed that idea,' replied the old gentleman, 'but
feared to awaken remark in my unpretentious lodgings. The aristocracy, I
am well aware--'

'But see here,' interrupted Michael, 'how do you come to have any money
at all? Don't make a stranger of me, Uncle Joseph; I know all about the
trust, and the hash you made of it, and the assignment you were forced
to make to Morris.'

Joseph narrated his dealings with the bank.

'O, but I say, this won't do,' cried the lawyer. 'You've put your foot
in it. You had no right to do what you did.'

'The whole thing is mine, Michael,' protested the old gentleman. 'I
founded and nursed that business on principles entirely of my own.'

'That's all very fine,' said the lawyer; 'but you made an assignment,
you were forced to make it, too; even then your position was extremely
shaky; but now, my dear sir, it means the dock.'

'It isn't possible,' cried Joseph; 'the law cannot be so unjust as
that?'

'And the cream of the thing,' interrupted Michael, with a sudden shout
of laughter, 'the cream of the thing is this, that of course you've
downed the leather business! I must say, Uncle Joseph, you have strange
ideas of law, but I like your taste in humour.'

'I see nothing to laugh at,' observed Mr Finsbury tartly.

'And talking of that, has Morris any power to sign for the firm?' asked
Michael.

'No one but myself,' replied Joseph.

'Poor devil of a Morris! O, poor devil of a Morris!' cried the lawyer in
delight. 'And his keeping up the farce that you're at home! O, Morris,
the Lord has delivered you into my hands! Let me see, Uncle Joseph, what
do you suppose the leather business worth?'

'It was worth a hundred thousand,' said Joseph bitterly, 'when it was
in my hands. But then there came a Scotsman--it is supposed he had a
certain talent--it was entirely directed to bookkeeping--no accountant
in London could understand a word of any of his books; and then there
was Morris, who is perfectly incompetent. And now it is worth very
little. Morris tried to sell it last year; and Pogram and Jarris offered
only four thousand.'

'I shall turn my attention to leather,' said Michael with decision.

'You?' asked Joseph. 'I advise you not. There is nothing in the whole
field of commerce more surprising than the fluctuations of the leather
market. Its sensitiveness may be described as morbid.'

'And now, Uncle Joseph, what have you done with all that money?' asked
the lawyer.

'Paid it into a bank and drew twenty pounds,' answered Mr Finsbury
promptly. 'Why?'

'Very well,' said Michael. 'Tomorrow I shall send down a clerk with a
cheque for a hundred, and he'll draw out the original sum and return it
to the Anglo-Patagonian, with some sort of explanation which I will try
to invent for you. That will clear your feet, and as Morris can't touch
a penny of it without forgery, it will do no harm to my little scheme.'

'But what am I to do?' asked Joseph; 'I cannot live upon nothing.'

'Don't you hear?' returned Michael. 'I send you a cheque for a hundred;
which leaves you eighty to go along upon; and when that's done, apply to
me again.'

'I would rather not be beholden to your bounty all the same,' said
Joseph, biting at his white moustache. 'I would rather live on my own
money, since I have it.'

Michael grasped his arm. 'Will nothing make you believe,' he cried,
'that I am trying to save you from Dartmoor?'

His earnestness staggered the old man. 'I must turn my attention
to law,' he said; 'it will be a new field; for though, of course, I
understand its general principles, I have never really applied my
mind to the details, and this view of yours, for example, comes on me
entirely by surprise. But you may be right, and of course at my time
of life--for I am no longer young--any really long term of imprisonment
would be highly prejudicial. But, my dear nephew, I have no claim on
you; you have no call to support me.'

'That's all right,' said Michael; 'I'll probably get it out of the
leather business.'

And having taken down the old gentleman's address, Michael left him at
the corner of a street.

'What a wonderful old muddler!' he reflected, 'and what a singular thing
is life! I seem to be condemned to be the instrument of Providence. Let
me see; what have I done today? Disposed of a dead body, saved Pitman,
saved my Uncle Joseph, brightened up Forsyth, and drunk a devil of a lot
of most indifferent liquor. Let's top off with a visit to my cousins,
and be the instrument of Providence in earnest. Tomorrow I can turn
my attention to leather; tonight I'll just make it lively for 'em in a
friendly spirit.'

About a quarter of an hour later, as the clocks were striking eleven,
the instrument of Providence descended from a hansom, and, bidding the
driver wait, rapped at the door of No. 16 John Street.

It was promptly opened by Morris.

'O, it's you, Michael,' he said, carefully blocking up the narrow
opening: 'it's very late.'

Michael without a word reached forth, grasped Morris warmly by the hand,
and gave it so extreme a squeeze that the sullen householder fell back.
Profiting by this movement, the lawyer obtained a footing in the lobby
and marched into the dining-room, with Morris at his heels.

'Where's my Uncle Joseph?' demanded Michael, sitting down in the most
comfortable chair.

'He's not been very well lately,' replied Morris; 'he's staying at
Browndean; John is nursing him; and I am alone, as you see.'

Michael smiled to himself. 'I want to see him on particular business,'
he said.

'You can't expect to see my uncle when you won't let me see your
father,' returned Morris.

'Fiddlestick,' said Michael. 'My father is my father; but Joseph is just
as much my uncle as he's yours; and you have no right to sequestrate his
person.'

'I do no such thing,' said Morris doggedly. 'He is not well, he is
dangerously ill and nobody can see him.'

'I'll tell you what, then,' said Michael. 'I'll make a clean breast
of it. I have come down like the opossum, Morris; I have come to
compromise.'

Poor Morris turned as pale as death, and then a flush of wrath against
the injustice of man's destiny dyed his very temples. 'What do you
mean?' he cried, 'I don't believe a word of it.' And when Michael had
assured him of his seriousness, 'Well, then,' he cried, with another
deep flush, 'I won't; so you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.'

'Oho!' said Michael queerly. 'You say your uncle is dangerously ill, and
you won't compromise? There's something very fishy about that.'

'What do you mean?' cried Morris hoarsely.

'I only say it's fishy,' returned Michael, 'that is, pertaining to the
finny tribe.'

'Do you mean to insinuate anything?' cried Morris stormily, trying the
high hand.

'Insinuate?' repeated Michael. 'O, don't let's begin to use awkward
expressions! Let us drown our differences in a bottle, like two affable
kinsmen. The Two Affable Kinsmen, sometimes attributed to Shakespeare,'
he added.

Morris's mind was labouring like a mill. 'Does he suspect? or is this
chance and stuff? Should I soap, or should I bully? Soap,' he concluded.
'It gains time.' 'Well,' said he aloud, and with rather a painful
affectation of heartiness, 'it's long since we have had an evening
together, Michael; and though my habits (as you know) are very
temperate, I may as well make an exception. Excuse me one moment till I
fetch a bottle of whisky from the cellar.'

'No whisky for me,' said Michael; 'a little of the old still champagne
or nothing.'

For a moment Morris stood irresolute, for the wine was very valuable:
the next he had quitted the room without a word. His quick mind had
perceived his advantage; in thus dunning him for the cream of the
cellar, Michael was playing into his hand. 'One bottle?' he thought. 'By
George, I'll give him two! this is no moment for economy; and once the
beast is drunk, it's strange if I don't wring his secret out of him.'

With two bottles, accordingly, he returned. Glasses were produced, and
Morris filled them with hospitable grace.

'I drink to you, cousin!' he cried gaily. 'Don't spare the wine-cup in
my house.'

Michael drank his glass deliberately, standing at the table; filled it
again, and returned to his chair, carrying the bottle along with him.

'The spoils of war!' he said apologetically. 'The weakest goes to the
wall. Science, Morris, science.' Morris could think of no reply, and for
an appreciable interval silence reigned. But two glasses of the still
champagne produced a rapid change in Michael.

'There's a want of vivacity about you, Morris,' he observed. 'You may be
deep; but I'll be hanged if you're vivacious!'

'What makes you think me deep?' asked Morris with an air of pleased
simplicity.

'Because you won't compromise,' said the lawyer. 'You're deep dog,
Morris, very deep dog, not t' compromise--remarkable deep dog. And
a very good glass of wine; it's the only respectable feature in the
Finsbury family, this wine; rarer thing than a title--much rarer. Now a
man with glass wine like this in cellar, I wonder why won't compromise?'

'Well, YOU wouldn't compromise before, you know,' said the smiling
Morris. 'Turn about is fair play.'

'I wonder why _I_ wouldn' compromise? I wonder why YOU wouldn'?'
enquired Michael. 'I wonder why we each think the other wouldn'? 'S
quite a remarrable--remarkable problem,' he added, triumphing over oral
obstacles, not without obvious pride. 'Wonder what we each think--don't
you?'

'What do you suppose to have been my reason?' asked Morris adroitly.

Michael looked at him and winked. 'That's cool,' said he. 'Next thing,
you'll ask me to help you out of the muddle. I know I'm emissary of
Providence, but not that kind! You get out of it yourself, like Aesop
and the other fellow. Must be dreadful muddle for young orphan o' forty;
leather business and all!'

'I am sure I don't know what you mean,' said Morris.

'Not sure I know myself,' said Michael. 'This is exc'lent vintage,
sir--exc'lent vintage. Nothing against the tipple. Only thing: here's a
valuable uncle disappeared. Now, what I want to know: where's valuable
uncle?'

'I have told you: he is at Browndean,' answered Morris, furtively wiping
his brow, for these repeated hints began to tell upon him cruelly.