The king's kitchen is indeed a noble building, vaulted at top, and about
six hundred feet high. The great oven is not so wide by ten paces as the
cupola at St. Paul's, for I measured the latter on purpose after my
return. But if I should describe the kitchen-grate, the prodigious pots
and kettles, the joints of meat turning on the spits, with many other
particulars, perhaps I should be hardly believed; at least, a severe
critic would be apt to think I enlarged a little, as travellers are
often suspected to do. To avoid which censure, I fear I have run too
much into the other extreme; and that if this treatise should happen to
be translated into the language of Brobdingnag (which is the general
name of that kingdom) and transmitted thither, the king and his people
would have reason to complain that I had done them an injury, by a false
and diminutive representation.

His majesty seldom keeps above six hundred horses in his stables: they
are generally from fifty-four to sixty feet high. But when he goes
abroad on solemn days, he is attended for state by a militia guard of
five hundred horse, which indeed I thought was the most splendid sight
that could be ever beheld, till I saw part of his army in battalia,[66]
whereof I shall find another occasion to speak.

[Illustration]




CHAPTER V.

     SEVERAL ADVENTURES THAT HAPPENED TO THE AUTHOR. THE AUTHOR SHOWS
     HIS SKILL IN NAVIGATION.


I should have lived happily enough in that country, if my littleness had
not exposed me to several ridiculous and troublesome accidents, some of
which I shall venture to relate. Glumdalclitch often carried me into the
gardens of the court in my smaller box, and would sometimes take me out
of it, and hold me in her hand, or set me down to walk. I remember,
before the dwarf left the queen, he followed us one day into those
gardens, and my nurse having set me down, he and I being close together,
near some dwarf apple-trees, I must needs show my wit by a silly
allusion between him and the trees, which happens to hold in their
language, as it doth in ours. Whereupon the malicious rogue, watching
his opportunity, when I was walking under one of them, shook it directly
over my head; by which a dozen apples, each of them near as large as a
Bristol barrel, came tumbling about my ears; one of them hit me on the
back as I chanced to stoop, and knocked me down flat on my face; but I
received no other hurt; and the dwarf was pardoned at my desire, because
I had given the provocation.

[Illustration]

Another day, Glumdalclitch left me on a smooth grass-plot to divert
myself, while she walked at some distance with her governess. In the
meantime there suddenly fell such a violent shower of hail, that I was
immediately, by the force of it, struck to the ground; and when I was
down, the hail stones gave me such cruel bangs all over the body as if I
had been pelted with tennis-balls, however, I made a shift to creep on
all fours, and shelter myself by lying flat on my face on the lee-side
of a border of lemon-thyme, but so bruised from head to foot that I
could not go abroad in ten days. Neither is this at all to be wondered
at, because nature, in that country, observing the same proportion
through all her operations, a hail-stone is near eighteen hundred times
as large as one in Europe, which I can assert upon experience, having
been so curious to weigh and measure them.

But a more dangerous accident happened to me in the same garden, when my
little nurse, believing she had put me in a secure place, which I often
entreated her to do, that I might enjoy my own thoughts, and having left
my box at home, to avoid the trouble of carrying it, went to another
part of the garden with governess and some ladies of her acquaintance,
she was absent and out of hearing, a small white belonging to one of the
chief gardeners, having got by accident into the garden, happened to
place where I lay: the dog, following the scent, came directly up, and
taking me in his mouth, ran straight to his master, wagging his tail,
and set me gently on the ground. By good fortune, he had been so well
taught, that I was carried between his teeth without the least hurt, or
even tearing my clothes. But the poor gardener, who knew me well, and
had a great kindness for me, was in a terrible fright: he gently took me
up in both his hands, and asked me how I did; but I was so amazed and
out of breath, that I could not speak a word. In a few minutes I came to
myself, and he carried me safe to my little nurse, who by this time had
returned to the place where she left me, and was in cruel agonies when I
did not appear nor answer when she called. She severely reprimanded the
gardener on account of his dog, but the thing was bushed up and never
known at court; for the girl was afraid of the queen's anger, and truly,
as to myself, I thought it would not be for my reputation that such a
story should go about.

This accident absolutely determined Glumdalclitch never to trust me
abroad for the future out of her sight. I had been long afraid of this
resolution, and therefore concealed from her some little unlucky
adventures that happened in those times when I was left by myself. Once
a kite, hovering over the garden, made a stoop at me; and if I had not
resolutely drawn my hanger, and run under a thick espalier,[67] he would
have certainly carried me away in his talons. Another time, walking to
the top of a fresh mole-hill, I fell to my neck in the hole through
which that animal had cast up the earth. I likewise broke my right shin
against the shell of a snail, which I happened to stumble over as I was
walking alone and thinking on poor England.

I cannot tell whether I were more pleased or mortified to observe in
those solitary walks that the smaller birds did not appear to be at all
afraid of me, but would hop about within a yard's distance, looking for
worms and other food, with as much indifference and security as if no
creature at all were near them. I remember a thrush had the confidence
to snatch out of my hand with his bill a piece of cake that
Glumdalclitch had just given me for my breakfast.

When I attempted to catch any of these birds they would boldly turn
against me, endeavoring to pick my fingers, which I durst not venture
within their reach; and then they would hop back unconcerned to hunt for
worms and snails as they did before. But one day I took a thick cudgel,
and threw it with all my strength so luckily at a linnet that I knocked
him down, and seizing him by the neck with both my hands ran with him in
triumph to my nurse. However, the bird, who had only been stunned,
recovering himself, gave me so many boxes with his wings on both sides
of my head and body, though I held him at arm's length and was out of
the reach of his claws, that I was twenty times thinking of letting him
go. But I was soon relieved by one of our servants, who wrung off the
bird's neck, and I had him next day for dinner by the queen's command.
This linnet, as near as I can remember, seemed to be somewhat larger
than an English swan.

The queen, who often used to hear me talk of my sea-voyages, and took
all occasions to divert me when I was melancholy, asked me, whether I
understood how to handle a sail or an oar, and whether a little exercise
of rowing might not be convenient for my health. I answered, that I
understood both very well; for, although nay proper employment had been
to be surgeon or doctor to the ship, yet often, upon a pinch, I was
forced to work like a common mariner. But I could not see how this could
be done in their country, where the smallest wherry was equal to a
first-rate man-of-war among us, and such a boat as I could manage would
never live in any of their rivers.

[Illustration: "THE SMALLER BIRDS DID NOT APPEAR TO BE AT ALL AFRAID OF
ME." P. 57.]

Her majesty said, if I could contrive a boat, her own joiner should make
it, and she would provide a place for me to sail in. The fellow was an
ingenious workman, and, by my instructions, in ten days finished a
pleasure-boat, with all its tackling, able conveniently to hold eight
Europeans. When it was finished, the queen was so delighted that she
ran with it in her lap to the king, who ordered it to be put in a
cistern full of water, with me in it, by way of trial; where I could not
manage my two sculls,[68] or little oars, for want of room.

But the queen had before contrived another project. She ordered the
joiner to make a wooden trough of three hundred feet long, fifty broad,
and eight deep; which, being well pitched, to prevent leaking, was
placed on the floor along the wall in an outer room of the palace. It
had a cock near the bottom to let out the water, when it began to grow
stale; and two servants could easily fill it in half-an-hour. Here I
often used to row for my own diversion, as well as that of the queen and
her ladies, who thought themselves well entertained with my skill and
agility. Sometimes I would put up my sail, and then my business was only
to steer, while the ladies gave me a gale with their fans; and when they
were weary, some of their pages would blow my sail forward with their
breath, while I showed my art by steering starboard[69] or larboard, as
I pleased. When I had done, Glumdalclitch always carried back my boat,
into her closet, and hung it oh a nail to dry.

In this exercise I once met an accident, which had like to have cost me
my life; for one of the pages having put my boat into the trough, the
governess, who attended Glumdalclitch, very officiously lifted me up to
place me in the boat, but I happened to slip through her fingers, and
should infallibly have fallen down forty feet upon the floor, if, by the
luckiest chance in the world, I had not been stopped by a
corking-pin[70] that stuck in the good gentlewoman's stomacher;[71] the
head of the pin passed between my shirt and the waistband of my
breeches, and thus I held by the middle in the air, till Glumdalclitch
ran to my relief.

[Illustration: "GAVE ME A GALE WITH THEIR FANS." P. 60.]

Another time, one of the servants, whose office it was to fill my trough
every third day with fresh water, was so careless as to let a huge frog
(not perceiving it) slip out of his pail. The frog lay concealed till I
was put into my boat, but then seeing a resting-place, climbed up, and
made it lean so much on one side that I was forced to balance it with
all my weight on the other to prevent overturning. When the frog was got
in, it hopped at once half the length of the boat, and then over my head
backwards and forwards. The largeness of its features made it appear the
most deformed animal that can be conceived. However, I desired
Glumdalclitch to let me deal with it alone. I banged it a good while
with one of my sculls, and at last forced it to leap out of the boat.

But the greatest danger I ever underwent in that kingdom was from a
monkey, who belonged to one of the clerks of the kitchen. Glumdalclitch
had locked the up in her closet, while she went somewhere upon business
or a visit. The weather being very warm the closet window was left open,
as well as the windows and the door of my bigger box, in which I usually
lived, because of its largeness and conveniency. As I sat quietly
meditating at my table, I heard something bounce in at the closet
window, and skip about from one side to the other; whereat, although I
was much alarmed, yet I ventured to look out, but not stirring from my
seat; and then I saw this frolicsome animal frisking and leaping up and
down, till at last he came to my box, which he seemed to view with
great pleasure and curiosity, peeping in at the door and every window.

[Illustration]

I retreated to the farther corner of my room or box; but the monkey
looking in at every side, put me into such a fright that I wanted
presence of mind to conceal myself under the bed, as I might easily have
done. After some time spent in peeping, grinning, and chattering, he at
last espied me, and reaching one of his paws in at the door, as a cat
does when she plays with a mouse, although I often shifted place to
avoid him, he at length seized the lappet of my coat (which, being made
of that country silk, was very thick and strong), and dragged me out. He
took me out in his right fore-foot, and held me as a nurse does a child,
just as I have seen the same sort of creature do with a kitten in
Europe: and, when I offered to struggle, he squeezed me so hard that I
thought it more prudent to submit. I have good reason to believe that he
took me for a young one of his own species, by his often stroking my
face very gently with his other paw.

In these diversions he was interrupted by a noise at the closet door, as
if somebody were opening it; whereupon he suddenly leaped up to the
window, at which he had come in, and thence upon the leads and gutters
walking upon three legs, and holding me in the fourth, till he clambered
up to a roof that was next to ours. I heard Glumdalclitch give a shriek
at the moment he was carrying me out. The poor girl was almost
distracted. That quarter of the palace was all in an uproar; the
servants ran for ladders; the monkey was seen by hundreds in the court,
sitting upon the ridge of a building, holding me like a baby in one of
his fore-paws: whereat many of the rabble below could not forbear
laughing; neither do I think they justly ought to be blamed, for without
question, the sight was ridiculous enough to everybody but myself. Some
of the people threw up stones, hoping to drive the monkey down; but this
was strictly forbidden, or else very probably my brains had been dashed
out.

The ladders were now applied, and mounted by several men, which the
monkey observing, and finding himself almost encompassed, not being able
to make speed enough with his three legs, let me drop on a ridge tile,
and made his escape. Here I sat for some time, five hundred yards from
the ground, expecting every moment to be blown down by the wind, or to
fall by my own giddiness, and come tumbling over and over from the ridge
to the eaves; but an honest lad, one of my nurse's footmen, climbed up,
and putting me into his breeches-pocket, brought me down safe.

I was so weak and bruised in the sides with the squeezes given me by
this odious animal, that I was forced to keep my bed a fortnight. The
king, queen, and all the court, sent every day to inquire after my
health, and her majesty made me several visits during my sickness. The
monkey was killed, and an order made that no such animal should be kept
about the palace.

When I attended the king, after my recovery, to return him thanks for
his favors, he was pleased to rally me a good deal upon this adventure.
He asked me what my thoughts and speculations were while I lay in the
monkey's paw. He desired to know what I would have done upon such an
occasion in my own country. I told his majesty that in Europe we had no
monkeys, except such as were brought for curiosities from other places,
and so small, that I could deal with a dozen of them together if they
presumed to attack me. And as for that monstrous animal with whom I was
so lately engaged (it was, indeed, as large as an elephant) if my fears
had suffered me to think so far as to make use of my hanger (looking
fiercely, and clapping my hand upon the hilt, as I spoke) when he poked
his paw into my chamber, perhaps I should have given him such a wound as
would have made him glad to withdraw it with more haste than he put it
in. This I delivered in a firm tone, like a person who was jealous lest
his courage should be called in question.

However, my speech produced nothing else besides a loud laughter, which
all the respect due to his majesty from those about him could not make
them contain. This made me reflect how vain an attempt it is for a man
to endeavor to do himself honor among those who are out of all degree of
equality or comparison with him. And yet I have seen the moral of my own
behavior very frequent in England since my return, where a little
contemptible varlet,[72] without the least title to birth, person, wit,
or common-sense, shall presume to look with importance, and put himself
upon a foot with the greatest persons of the kingdom.

I was every day furnishing the court with some ridiculous story; and
Glumdalclitch, although she loved me to excess, yet was arch enough to
inform the queen whenever I committed any folly that she thought would
be diverting to her majesty. The girl, who had been out of order, was
carried by her governess to take the air about an hour's distance, or
thirty miles from town. They alighted out of the coach near a small
footpath in a field, and, Glumdalclitch setting down my travelling-box,
I went out of it to walk. There was a pool of mud in the path, and I
must needs try my activity by attempting to leap over it. I took a run,
but unfortunately jumped short, and found myself just in the middle up
to my knees. I waded through with some difficulty, and one of the
footmen wiped me as clean as he could with his handkerchief, for I was
filthily bemired; and my nurse confined me to my box till we returned
home, when the queen was soon informed of what had passed, and the
footman spread it about the court; so that all the mirth for some days
was at my expense.




CHAPTER VI.

     SEVERAL CONTRIVANCES OF THE AUTHOR TO PLEASE THE KING AND QUEEN. HE
     SHOWS HIS SKILL IN MUSIC. THE KING INQUIRES INTO THE STATE OF
     ENGLAND, WHICH THE AUTHOR RELATES TO HIM. THE KING'S OBSERVATIONS
     THEREON.


I used to attend the king's levee[73] once or twice a week, and had
often seen him under the barber's hand, which indeed was at first very
terrible to behold; for the razor was almost twice as long as an
ordinary scythe. His majesty, according to the custom of the country,
was only shaved twice a week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me
some of the suds or lather, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the
strongest stumps of hair, I then took a piece of fine wood and cut it
like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at equal distance
with as small a needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the
stumps so artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife towards
the points, that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a seasonable
supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth that it was almost
useless: neither did I know any artist in that country so nice and exact
as would undertake to make me another.

And this puts me in mind of an amusement wherein I spent many of my
leisure hours. I desired the queen's woman to save for me the combings
of her majesty's hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; and
consulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had received general
orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to make two
chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and then to bore
little holes with a fine awl round those parts where I designed the
backs and seats; through these holes I wove the strongest hairs I could
pick out, just after the manner of cane chairs in England. When they
were finished I made a present of them to her majesty, who kept them in
her cabinet, and used to shew them for curiosities, as indeed they were
the wonder of every one that beheld them. Of these hairs (as I had
always a mechanical genius) I likewise made a neat little purse, about
five feet long, with her majesty's name deciphered in gold letters,
which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the queen's consent. To say the truth,
it was more for show than use, being not of strength to bear the weight
of the larger coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it, but some
little coins that girls are fond of.

The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court, to
which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to hear
them; but the noise was so great that I could hardly distinguish the
tunes. I am confident that all the drums and trumpets of a royal army
beating and sounding together just at your ears, could not equal it. My
practice was to have my box removed from the place where the performers
sat, as far as I could, then to shut the doors and windows of it, and
draw the window-curtains, after which I found their music not
disagreeable.

[Illustration]

I had learnt in my youth to play a little upon the spinet.[74]
Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended twice a
week to teach her. I called it a spinet, because it somewhat resembled
that instrument, and was played upon in the same manner.

A fancy came into my head that I would entertain the king and queen
with an English tune upon this instrument. But this appeared extremely
difficult; for the spinet was nearly sixty feet long, each key being
almost a foot wide, so that with my arms extended I could not reach to
above five keys, and to press them down required a good smart stroke
with my fist, which would be too great a labor, and to no purpose. The
method I contrived was this: I prepared two round sticks, about the
bigness of common cudgels; they were thicker at one end than the other,
and I covered the thicker ends with a piece of mouse's skin, that by
rapping on them I might neither damage the tops of the keys nor
interrupt the sound. Before the spinet a bench was placed about four
feet below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. I ran sideling upon
it that way and this as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my
two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig to the great satisfaction of
both their majesties; but it was the most violent exercise I ever
underwent, and yet I could not strike above sixteen keys, nor
consequently play the bass and treble together as other artists do,
which was a great disadvantage to my performance.

The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent
understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in my
box, and set upon the table in his closet.[75] He would then command me
to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down within three
yards distance upon the top of the cabinet, which brought me almost to a
level with his face. In this manner I had several conversations with
him. I one day took the freedom to tell his majesty that the contempt
he discovered towards Europe and the rest of the world did not seem
answerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was master of;
that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the
contrary, we observed in our country that the tallest persons were
usually least provided with it. That, among other animals, bees and ants
had the reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity than many of the
larger kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I hoped I
might live to do his majesty some signal[76] service. The king heard me
with attention, and began to conceive a much better opinion of me than
he had ever before. He desired I would give him as exact an account of
the government of England as I possibly could because, as fond as
princes commonly are of their own customs (for he conjectured of other
monarchs by my former discourses), he should be glad to hear of anything
that might deserve imitation.

Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for the
tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebrate
the praise of my own dear native country, in a style equal to its merits
and felicity.

[Illustration: "THE MOST VIOLENT EXERCISE I EVER UNDERWENT." P. 71.]

I began my discourse by informing his majesty that our dominions
consisted of two islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms, under
one sovereign, besides our plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the
fertility of our soil and the temperature of our climate. I then spoke
at large upon the constitution of an English parliament, partly made up
of an illustrious body, called the House of Peers, persons of the
noblest blood and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I
described that extraordinary care always taken of their education in
arts and arms, to qualify them for being counsellors both to the king
and kingdom; to have a share in the legislature; to be members of the
highest court of judicature, from whence there could be no appeal; and
to be champions always ready for the defence of their prince and
country, by their valor, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the
ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their most
renowned ancestors, whose honor had been the reward of their virtue,
from which their posterity were never once known to degenerate. To these
were joined several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under the
title of bishops, whose peculiar business it is to take care of
religion, and those who instruct the people therein. These were searched
and sought out through the whole nation, by the prince and his wisest
counsellors, among such of the priesthood as were most deservedly
distinguished by the sanctity of their lives and the depth of their
erudition, who were indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy and the
people.

That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly, called
the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen, _freely_ picked
and culled out by the people themselves, for their great abilities and
love of their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole nation. And
that these two bodies made up the most august assembly in Europe, to
whom, in conjunction with the prince, the whole legislature is
committed.

I then descended to the courts of justice, over which the judges, those
venerable sages and interpreters of the law, presided, for determining
the disputed rights and properties of men, as well as for the punishment
of vice and protection of innocence. I mentioned the prudent management
of our treasury, the valor and achievements of our forces by sea and
land. I computed the number of our people, by reckoning how many
millions there might be of each religious sect or political party among
us. I did not omit even our sports and pastimes, or any other
particular, which I thought might redound to the honor of my country.
And I finished all with a brief historical account of affairs and events
in England for about a hundred years past.

This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of several
hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention, frequently
taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums of what questions
he intended to ask me.

When I had put an end to these long discourses, his majesty, in a sixth
audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts, queries, and
objections, upon every article. He asked what methods were used to
cultivate the minds and bodies of our young nobility, and in what kind
of business they commonly spent the first and teachable part of their
lives? What course was taken to supply that assembly when any noble
family became extinct? What qualifications were necessary in those who
are to be created new lords; whether the humor of the prince, a sum of
money to a court lady as a prime minister, or a design of strengthening
a party opposite to the public interest, ever happened to be motives in
those advancements? What share of knowledge these lords had in the laws
of their country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to
decide the properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort?
Whether they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or want,
that a bribe or some other sinister view could have no place among them?
Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always promoted to that rank
upon account of their knowledge in religious matters and the sanctity of
their lives; had never been compilers with the times while they were
common priests, or slavish prostitute chaplains to some noblemen, whose
opinions they continued servilely to follow, after they were admitted
into that assembly?

He then desired to know what arts were practised in electing those whom
I called commoners; whether a stranger, with a strong purse, might not
influence the vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord, or
the most considerable gentleman in the neighborhood? How it came to pass
that people were so violently bent upon getting into this assembly,
which I allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often to the ruin of
their families, without any salary or pension: because this appeared
such an exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, that his majesty
seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always sincere; and he desired
to know whether such zealous gentlemen could have any views of refunding
themselves for the charges and trouble they were at, by sacrificing the
public good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in conjunction
with a corrupted ministry? He multiplied his questions, and sifted me
thoroughly upon every part of this head, proposing numberless inquiries
and objections, which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.

Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty
desired to be satisfied in several points; and this I was the better
able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long suit in
chancery,[77] which was decreed for me with costs. He asked what time
was usually spent in determining between right and wrong, and what
degree of expense? Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in
causes, manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, or oppressive? Whether
party in religion or politics was observed to be of any weight in the
scale of justice? Whether those pleading orators were persons educated
in the general knowledge of equity, or only in provincial, national, and
other local customs? Whether they, or their judges, had any part in
penning those laws which they assumed the liberty of interpreting and
glossing[78] upon at their pleasure? Whether they had ever, at different
times, pleaded for or against the same cause, and cited precedents to
prove contrary opinions? Whether they were a rich or a poor corporation?
Whether they received any pecuniary reward for pleading or delivering
their opinions? And, particularly, whether they were admitted as members
in the lower senate?

He fell next upon the management of our treasury, and said he thought my
memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five or six
millions a year, and, when I came to mention the issues, he found they
sometimes amounted to more than double; for the notes he had taken were
very particular in this point, because he hoped, as he told me, that the
knowledge of our conduct might be useful to him, and he could not be
deceived in his calculations. But if what I told him were true, he was
still at a loss how a kingdom could run out of its estate like a private
person. He asked me who were our creditors, and where we found to pay
them. He wondered to hear me talk of such chargeable and expensive wars;
that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, or live among very bad
neighbors and that our generals must needs be richer than our kings. He
asked what business we had out of our own islands, unless upon the score
of trade or treaty, or to defend the coasts with our fleet. Above all,
he was amazed to hear me talk of a mercenary standing army in the midst
of peace and among a free people. He said if we were governed by our own
consent, in the persons of our representatives, he could not imagine of
whom we were afraid, or against whom we were to fight; and would hear my
opinion, whether a private man's house might not better be defended by
himself, his children, and family, than by half-a-dozen rascals, picked
up at a venture in the streets for small wages, who might get a hundred
times more by cutting their throats?

He laughed at my odd kind of arithmetic (as he was pleased to call it),
in reckoning the numbers of our people by a computation drawn from the
several sects among us, in religion and politics. He said, he knew no
reason why those who entertain opinions prejudicial to the public should
be obliged to change, or should not be obliged to conceal them. And as
it was tyranny in any government to require the first, so it was
weakness not to enforce the second: for a man may be allowed to keep
poisons in his closet, but not to vend them about for cordials.

He observed, that among the diversions of our nobility and gentry, I had
mentioned gaming: he desired to know at what age this entertainment was
usually taken up, and when it was laid down; how much of their time it
employed: whether it ever went so high as to affect their fortunes:
whether mean, vicious people, by their dexterity in that art, might not
arrive at great riches, and sometimes keep our very nobles in
dependence, as well as habituate them to vile companions, wholly take
them from the improvement of their minds, and force them, by the losses
they received, to learn and practise that infamous dexterity upon
others?

He was perfectly astonished with the historical account I gave him of
our affairs during the last century, protesting it was only a heap of
conspiracies, rebellions, murders, massacres, revolutions, banishments,
the very worst effects that avarice, faction, hypocrisy, perfidiousness,
cruelty, rage, madness, hatred, envy, lust, malice, and ambition, could
produce.

His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate the
sum of all I had spoken; compared the questions he made with the answers
I had given; then taking me into his hands, and stroking me gently,
delivered himself in these words which I shall never forget, nor the
manner he spoke them in: "My little friend Grildrig, you have made a
most admirable panegyric upon your country; you have clearly proved that
ignorance, idleness, and vice are the proper ingredients for qualifying
a legislator; that laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied by
those whose interest and abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and
eluding them. I observe among you some lines of an institution, which in
its original might have been tolerable, but these half erased, and the
rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It doth not appear, from
all you have said, how any one perfection is required towards the
procurement of any one station among you; much less that men are
ennobled on account of their virtue, that priests are advanced for their
piety or learning, soldiers for their conduct or valor, judges for their
integrity, senators for the love of their country, or counsellors for
their wisdom. As for yourself, continued the king, who have spent the
greatest part of your life in travelling, I am well disposed to hope you
may hitherto have escaped many vices of your country. But by what I have
gathered from your own relation, and the answers I have with much pains
wrung and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your
natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that
nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth."

[Illustration: "YOU HAVE MADE A MOST ADMIRABLE PANEGYRIC." P. 79.]




CHAPTER VII

     THE AUTHOR'S LOVE OF HIS COUNTRY. HE MAKES A PROPOSAL OF MUCH
     ADVANTAGE TO THE KING, WHICH IS REJECTED. THE KING'S GREAT
     IGNORANCE IN POLITICS. THE LEARNING OF THAT COUNTRY VERY IMPERFECT
     AND CONFINED. THE LAWS, AND MILITARY AFFAIRS, AND PARTIES IN THE
     STATE.


Nothing but an extreme love of truth could have hindered me from
concealing this part of my story. It was in vain to discover my
resentments, which were always turned into ridicule; and I was forced to
rest with patience, while my noble and beloved country was so
injuriously treated. I am as heartily sorry as any of my readers can
possibly be, that such an occasion was given: but this prince happened
to be so curious and inquisitive upon every particular, that it could
not consist either with gratitude or good manners, to refuse giving him
what satisfaction I was able. Yet this much I may be allowed to say, in
my own vindication, that I artfully eluded many of his questions, and
gave to every point a more favorable turn, by many degrees, than the
strictness of truth would allow. For I have always borne that laudable
partiality to my own country, which Dionysius Halicarnassensis[79] with
so much justice, recommends to an historian: I would hide the frailties
and deformities of my political mother, and place her virtues and
beauties in the most advantageous light. This was my sincere endeavor,
in those many discourses I had with that monarch, although it
unfortunately failed of success.

But great allowances should be given to a king who lives wholly secluded
from the rest of the world, and must therefore be altogether
unacquainted with the manners and customs that most prevail in other
nations: the want of which knowledge will ever produce many prejudices,
and a certain narrowness of thinking, from which we and the politer
countries of Europe are wholly exempted. And it would be hard indeed, if
so remote a prince's notions of virtue and vice were to be offered as a
standard for all mankind.

To confirm what I have now said, and farther to show the miserable
effects of a confined education, I shall here insert a passage which
will hardly obtain belief. In hopes to ingratiate myself farther into
his majesty's favor, I told him of an invention discovered between three
and four hundred years ago, to make a certain powder into a heap, on
which the smallest spark of fire falling would kindle the whole in a
moment, although it were as big as a mountain, and make it all fly up in
the air together with a noise and agitation greater than thunder. That a
proper quantity of this powder rammed into a hollow tube of brass or
iron, according to its bigness, would drive a ball of iron or lead with
such violence and speed as nothing was able to sustain its force. That
the largest balls thus discharged would not only destroy whole ranks of
an army at once, but batter the strongest walls to the ground, sink
down ships with a thousand men in each to the bottom of the sea; and,
when linked together by a chain, would cut through masts and rigging,
divide hundreds of bodies in the middle, and lay all waste before them.
That we often put this powder into large hollow balls of iron, and
discharged them by an engine into some city we were besieging, which
would rip up the pavements, tear the houses to pieces, burst and throw
splinters on every side, dashing out the brains of all who came near.
That I knew the ingredients very well, which were cheap and common; I
understood the manner of compounding them, and could direct his workman
how to make those tubes of a size proportionable to all other things in
his majesty's kingdom, and the largest need not to be above a hundred
feet long; twenty or thirty of which tubes, charged with the proper
quantity of powder and balls, would batter down the walls of the
strongest town in his dominions in a few hours, or destroy the whole
metropolis if ever it should pretend to dispute his absolute commands.
This I humbly offered to his majesty as a small tribute of
acknowledgment, in return for so many marks that I had received of his
royal favor and protection.

The king was struck with horror at the description I had given him of
those terrible engines, and the proposal I had made. He was amazed, how
so impotent and grovelling an insect as I (these were his expressions),
could entertain such inhuman ideas, and in so familiar a manner, as to
appear wholly unmoved at all the scenes of blood and desolation, which I
had painted, as the common effects of those destructive machines,
whereof, he said, some evil genius, enemy to mankind, must have been the
first contriver. As for himself, he protested, that although few things
delighted him so much as new discoveries in art or in nature, yet he
would rather lose half his kingdom than be privy to such a secret, which
he commanded me, as I valued my life, never to mention any more.

A strange effect of narrow principles and short views! that a prince
possessed of every quality which procures veneration, love, and esteem;
of strong parts, great wisdom, and profound learning, endowed with
admirable talents for government, and almost adored by his subjects,
should, from a nice unnecessary scruple, whereof in Europe we can have
no conception, let slip an opportunity put into his hands, that would
have made him absolute master of the lives, the liberties, and the
fortunes of his people. Neither do I say this with the least intention
to detract from the many virtues of that excellent king, whose character
I am sensible will on this account be very much lessened in the opinion
of an English reader; but I take this defect among them to have arisen
from their ignorance, by not having hitherto reduced politics into a
science, as the more acute wits of Europe have done. For I remember very
well, in a discourse one day with the king, when I happened to say there
were several thousand books among us, written upon the art of
government, it gave him (directly contrary to my intention) a very mean
opinion of our understandings. He professed both to abominate and
despise all mystery, refinement, and intrigue, either in a prince or a
minister. He could not tell what I meant by secrets of state, where an
enemy or some rival nation were not in the case. He confined the
knowledge of governing within very narrow bounds, to common sense and
reason, to justice and lenity, to the speedy determination of civil and
criminal causes, with some other obvious topics, which are not worth
considering. And he gave it for his opinion, that whoever could make two
ears of corn, or two blades of grass to grow upon a spot of ground,
where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more
essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put
together.

The learning of this people is very defective, consisting only in
morality, history, poetry, and mathematics, wherein they must be allowed
to excel. But the last of these is wholly applied to what may be useful
in life, to the improvement of agriculture, and all mechanical arts; so
that among us it would be little esteemed. And as to ideas, entities,
abstractions, and transcendentals,[80] I could never drive the least
conception into their heads.

No law of that country must exceed in words the number of letters in
their alphabet, which consists only in two-and-twenty. But indeed few of
them extend even to that length. They are expressed in the most plain
and simple terms, wherein those people are not mercurial[81] enough to
discover above one interpretation; and to write a comment upon any law
is a capital crime. As to the decision of civil causes, or proceedings
against criminals, their precedents are so few, that they have little
reason to boast of any extraordinary skill in either.

They have had the art of printing, as well as the Chinese, time out of
mind: but their libraries are not very large; for that of the king,
which is reckoned the largest, doth not amount to above a thousand
volumes, placed in a gallery of twelve hundred feet long, from whence I
had liberty to borrow what books I pleased. The queen's joiner had
contrived in one of Glumdalclitch's rooms, a kind of wooden machine,
five-and-twenty feet high, formed like a standing ladder; the steps were
each fifty feet long: it was indeed a movable pair of stairs, the lowest
end placed at ten feet distance from the wall of the chamber. The book I
had a mind to read was put up leaning against the wall: I first mounted
to the upper step of the ladder, and turning my face towards the book
began at the top of the page, and so walking to the right and left about
eight or ten paces, according to the length of the lines, till I had
gotten a little below the level of mine eyes, and then descending
gradually, till I came to the bottom: after which I mounted again, and
began the other page in the same manner, and so turned over the leaf,
which I could easily do with both my hands, for it was as thick and
stiff as a paste-board, and in the largest folios not above eighteen or
twenty feet long.

Their style is clear, masculine, and smooth, but not florid; for they
avoid nothing more than multiplying unnecessary words, or using various
expressions. I have perused many of their books, especially those in
history and morality. Among the rest, I was much diverted with a little
old treatise, which always lay in Glumdalclitch's bed-chamber, and
belonged to her governess, a grave elderly gentlewoman, who dealt in
writings of morality and devotion. The book treats of the weakness of
human kind, and is in little esteem, except among the women and the
vulgar. However, I was curious to see what an author of that country
could say upon such a subject.

[Illustration]

This writer went through all the usual topics of European moralists,
showing how diminutive, contemptible, and helpless an animal was man in
his own nature; how unable to defend himself from inclemencies of the
air, or the fury of wild beasts; how much he was excelled by one
creature in strength, by another in speed, by a third in foresight, by a
fourth in industry. He added, that nature was degenerated in these
latter declining ages of the world, and could now produce only small
births, in comparison to those in ancient times. He said, it was very
reasonable to think, not only that the species of men were originally
much larger, but also, that there must have been giants in former ages;
which as it is asserted by history and tradition, so it hath been
confirmed by huge bones and skulls, casually dug up in several parts of
the kingdom, far exceeding the common dwindled race of man in our days.
He argued, that the very laws of nature absolutely required we should
have been made in the beginning of a size more large and robust, not so
liable to destruction, from every little accident, of a tile falling
from a house, or a stone cast from the hand of a boy, or being drowned
in a little brook. From this way of reasoning the author drew several
moral applications, useful in the conduct of life, but needless here to
repeat. For my own part, I could not avoid reflecting, how universally
this talent was spread, of drawing lectures in morality, or, indeed,
rather matter of discontent and repining, from the quarrels we raise
with nature. And I believe, upon a strict inquiry, those quarrels might
be shown as ill-grounded among us as they are among that people.

As to their military affairs, they boast that the king's army consists
of a hundred and seventy-six thousand foot, and thirty-two thousand
horse: if that may be called an army which is made up of tradesmen in
the several cities, and farmers in the country, whose commanders are
only the nobility and gentry, without pay or reward. They are indeed
perfect enough in their exercises, and under very good discipline,
wherein I saw no great merit; for how should it be otherwise, where
every farmer is under the command of his own landlord, and every citizen
under that of the principal men in his own city, chosen after the manner
of Venice, by ballot?

I have often seen the militia of Lorbrulgrud drawn out to exercise in a
great field, near the city, of twenty miles square. They were in all not
above twenty-five thousand foot, and six thousand horse: but it was
impossible for me to compute their number, considering the space of
ground they took up. A cavalier, mounted on a large steed, might be
about ninety feet high. I have seen this whole body of horse, upon a
word of command, draw their swords at once, and brandish them in the
air. Imagination can figure nothing so grand, so surprising, and so
astonishing! it looked as if ten thousand flashes of lightning were
darting at the same time from every quarter of the sky.

I was curious to know how this prince, to whose dominions there is no
access from any other country, came to think of armies, or to teach his
people the practice of military discipline. But I was soon informed,
both by conversation and reading their histories: for in the course of
many ages, they have been troubled with the same disease to which the
whole race of mankind is subject; the nobility often contending for
power, the people for liberty, and the king for absolute dominion. All
which, however, happily tempered by the laws of that kingdom, have been
sometimes violated by each of the three parties, and have more than once
occasioned civil wars, the last whereof was happily put an end to by
this prince's grandfather, in a general composition;[82] and the
militia, then settled with common consent, hath been ever since kept in
the strictest duty.

[Illustration]




CHAPTER VIII

     THE KING AND QUEEN MAKE A PROGRESS[83] TO THE FRONTIERS. THE AUTHOR
     ATTENDS THEM. THE MANNER IN WHICH HE LEAVES THE COUNTRY VERY
     PARTICULARLY RELATED. HE RETURNS TO ENGLAND.


I had always a strong impulse that I should sometime recover my liberty,
though it was impossible to conjecture by what means, or to form any
project with the least hope of succeeding. The ship in which I sailed
was the first ever known to be driven within sight of the coast; and the
king had given strict orders, that if at any time another appeared, it
should be taken ashore, and with all its crew and passengers brought in
a tumbrel[84] to Lorbrulgrud. I was treated with much kindness: I was
the favorite of a great king and queen, and the delight of the whole
court; but it was upon such a footing as ill became the dignity of human
kind. I could never forget those domestic pledges I had left behind me.
I wanted to be among people with whom I could converse upon even terms,
and walk about the streets and fields, without being afraid of being
trod to death like a frog or a young puppy. But my deliverance came
sooner than I expected, and in a manner not very common: the whole story
and circumstances of which I shall faithfully relate.