It is observable, that, although the bodies of human creatures be
affected with an infinite variety of disorders, which elude the power of
medicine, and are often found to be incurable, yet their minds are also
overrun with an equal variety, which no skill, no power, no medicine,
can alter or amend. And I think, that, out of regard to the public peace
and emolument, as well as the repose of many pious and valuable
families, this latter species of incurables ought principally to engage
our attention and beneficence.
I believe an Hospital for such Incurables will be universally allowed
necessary, if we only consider what numbers of absolute incurables every
profession, rank, and degree, would perpetually produce, which, at
present, are only national grievances, and of which we can have no other
effectual method to purge the kingdom.
For instance; let any man seriously consider what numbers there are of
incurable fools, incurable knaves, incurable scolds, incurable
scribblers, (besides myself,) incurable coxcombs, incurable infidels,
incurable liars, incurable whores, in all places of public resort:--not
to mention the incurably vain, incurably envious, incurably proud,
incurably affected, incurably impertinent, and ten thousand other
incurables, which I must of necessity pass over in silence, lest I
should swell this essay into a volume. And without doubt, every
unprejudiced person will agree, that, out of mere Christian charity, the
public ought to be eased as much as possible of this troublesome and
intolerable variety of incurables.
And first, Under the denomination of incurable fools, we may reasonably
expect, that such an hospital would be furnished with considerable
numbers of the growth of our own universities; who, at present, appear
in various professions in the world, under the venerable titles of
physicians, barristers, and ecclesiastics.
And as those ancient seminaries have been, for some years past,
accounted little better than nurseries of such sort of incurables, it
should seem highly commendable to make some kind of provision for them;
because it is more than probable, that, if they are to be supported by
their own particular merit in their several callings, they must
necessarily acquire but a very indifferent maintenance.
I would not, willingly, be here suspected to cast reflections on any
order of men, as if I thought that small gains from the profession of
any art or science, were always an undoubted sign of an equally small
degree of understanding; for I profess myself to be somewhat inclined to
a very opposite opinion, having frequently observed, that at the bar,
the pulse, and the pulpit, those who have the least learning or sense to
plead, meet generally with the largest share of promotions and profit:
of which many instances might be produced; but the public seems to want
no conviction in this particular.
Under the same denominations we may further expect a large and
ridiculous quantity of old rich widows; whose eager and impatient
appetites inflame them with extravagant passions for fellows of a very
different age and complexion from themselves; who purchase contempt and
aversion with good jointures; and being loaded with years, infirmities,
and probably ill humour, are forced to bribe into their embraces such
whose fortunes and characters are equally desperate.
Besides, our collection of incurable fools would receive an incredible
addition from every one of the following articles.
From young extravagant heirs; who are just of a competent age to become
the bubbles of jockeys, sportsmen, gamesters, bullies, sharpers,
courtesans, and such sort of honourable pickpockets.
From misers; who half starve themselves to feed the prodigality of their
heirs, and who proclaim to the world how unworthy they are of possessing
estates, by the wretched and ridiculous methods they take to enjoy them.
From contentious people, of all conditions; who are content to waste the
greatest part of their own fortunes at law, to be the instruments of
impoverishing others.
From those who have any confidence in profession of friendship, before
trial; or any dependence on the fidelity of a mistress.
From young illiterate squires, who travel abroad to import lewdness,
conceit, arrogance, vanity, and foppery; of which commodities there
seems to be so great an abundance at home.
From young clergymen; who contrive, by matrimony, to acquire a family,
before they have obtained the necessary means to maintain one.
From those who have considerable estates in different kingdoms, and yet
are so incurably stupid as to spend their whole incomes in this.
These, and several other articles which might be mentioned, would afford
us a perpetual opportunity of easing the public, by having an hospital
for the accommodation of such incurables; who, at present, either by the
over-fondness of near relations, or the indolence of the magistrates,
are permitted to walk abroad, and appear in the most crowded places of
this city, as if they were indeed reasonable creatures.
I had almost forgot to hint, that, under this article, there is a modest
probability that many of the clergy would be found properly qualified
for admittance into the hospital, who might serve in the capacity of
chaplains, and save the unnecessary expense of salaries.
To these fools, in order succeed such as may justly be included under
the extensive denomination of incurable knaves; of which our several
Inns of Court would constantly afford us abundant supplies.
I think indeed, that, of this species of incurables, there ought to be a
certain limited number annually admitted; which number, neither any
regard to the quiet or benefit of the nation, nor any other charitable
or public-spirited reason, should tempt us to exceed; because, if all
were to be admitted on such a foundation, who might be reputed incurable
of this distemper; and if it were possible for the public to find any
place large enough for their reception; I have not the least doubt, that
all our Inns, which are at this day so crowded, would in a short time be
emptied of their inhabitants; and the law, that beneficial craft, want
hands to conduct it.
I tremble to think what herds of attorneys, solicitors, pettifoggers,
scriveners, usurers, hackney-clerks, pickpockets, pawn-brokers, jailors,
and justices of the peace, would hourly be driven to such an hospital;
and what disturbance it might also create in several noble and wealthy
families.
What unexpected distress might it prove to several men of fortune and
quality, to be suddenly deprived of their rich stewards, in whom they
had for many years reposed the utmost confidence, and to find them
irrecoverably lodged among such a collection of incurables!
How many orphans might then expect to see their guardians hurried away
to the hospital; and how many greedy executors find reason to lament the
want of opportunity to pillage!
Would not Exchange Alley have cause to mourn for the loss of its
stock-jobbers and brokers; and the Charitable Corporation for the
confinement of many of its directors?
Might not Westminster-Hall, as well as all the gaming-houses in this
great city, be entirely unpeopled; and the professors of art in each of
those assemblies become useless in their vocations, by being deprived of
all future opportunity to be dishonest?
In short, it might put the whole kingdom into confusion and disorder;
and we should find that the entire revenues of this nation would be
scarce able to support so great a number of incurables, in this way, as
would appear qualified for admission into our hospital.
For if we only consider how this kingdom swarms with quadrille-tables,
and gaming-houses, both public and private; and also how each of those
houses, as well as Westminster-Hall aforesaid, swarms with knaves who
are anxious to win, or fools who have anything to lose; we may be soon
convinced how necessary it will be to limit the number of incurables,
comprehended under these titles, lest the foundation should prove
insufficient to maintain any others besides them.
However, if, by this Scheme of mine, the nation can be eased of twenty
or thirty thousand such incurables, I think it ought to be esteemed
somewhat beneficial, and worthy of the attention of the public.
The next sort for whom I would gladly provide, and who for several
generations have proved insupportable plagues and grievances to the good
people of England, are those who may properly be admitted under the
character of incurable scolds.
I own this to be a temper of so desperate a nature, that few females can
be found willing to own themselves anyway addicted to it; and yet, it
is thought that there is scarce a single parson, 'prentice, alderman,
squire, or husband, who would not solemnly avouch the very reverse.
I could wish, indeed, that the word scold might be changed for some more
gentle term, of equal signification; because I am convinced, that the
very name is as offensive to female ears, as the effects of that
incurable distemper are to the ears of the men; which, to be sure, is
inexpressible.
And that it hath been always customary to honour the very same kind of
actions with different appellations, only to avoid giving offence, is
evident to common observation.
For instance: How many lawyers, attorneys, solicitors, under-sheriffs,
intriguing chambermaids, and counter-officers, are continually guilty of
extortion, bribery, oppression, and many other profitable knaveries, to
drain the purses of those with whom they are any way concerned! And yet,
all these different expedients to raise a fortune, pass generally under
the milder names of fees, perquisites, vails, presents, gratuities, and
such like; although, in strictness of speech, they should be called
robbery, and consequently be rewarded with a gibbet.
Nay, how many honourable gentlemen might be enumerated, who keep open
shop to make a trade of iniquity; who teach the law to wink whenever
power or profit appears in her way; and contrive to grow rich by the
vice, the contention, or the follies of mankind; and who, nevertheless,
instead of being branded with the harsh-sounding names of knaves,
pilferers, or public oppressors, (as they justly merit,) are only
distinguished by the title of justices of the peace; in which single
term, all those several appellations are generally thought to be
implied.
But to proceed. When first I determined to prepare this Scheme for the
use and inspection of the public, I intended to examine one whole ward
in this city, that my computation of the number of incurable scolds
might be more perfect and exact. But I found it impossible to finish my
progress through more than one street.
I made my first application to a wealthy citizen in Cornhill,
common-council-man for his ward; to whom I hinted, that if he knew e'er
an incurable scold in the neighbourhood, I had some hope to provide for
her in such a manner, as to hinder her from being further troublesome.
He referred me with great delight to his next-door friend; yet whispered
me, that, with much greater ease and pleasure, he could furnish me out
of his own family ----; and begged the preference.
His next-door friend owned readily that his wife's qualifications were
not misrepresented, and that he would cheerfully contribute to promote
so useful a scheme; but positively asserted, that it would be of small
service to rid the neighbourhood of one woman, while such multitudes
would remain all equally insupportable.
By which circumstance I conjectured, that the quantity of these
incurables in London, Westminster, and Southwark, would be very
considerable; and that a generous contribution might reasonably be
expected for such an hospital as I am recommending.
Besides, the number of these female incurables would probably be very
much increased by additional quantities of old maids; who, being wearied
with concealing their ill-humour for one-half of their lives, are
impatient to give it full vent in the other. For old maids, like old
thin-bodied wines, instead of growing more agreeable by years, are
observed, for the most part, to become intolerably sharp, sour, and
useless.
Under this denomination also, we may expect to be furnished with as
large a collection of old bachelors, especially those who have estates,
and but a moderate degree of understanding. For, an old wealthy
bachelor, being perpetually surrounded with a set of flatterers,
cousins, poor dependents, and would-be heirs, who for their own views
submit to his perverseness and caprice, becomes insensibly infected with
this scolding malady, which generally proves incurable, and renders him
disagreeable to his friends, and a fit subject for ridicule to his
enemies.
As to the incurable scribblers, (of which society I have the honour to
be a member,) they probably are innumerable; and, of consequence, it
will be absolutely impossible to provide for one-tenth part of their
fraternity. However, as this set of incurables are generally more
plagued with poverty than any other, it will be a double charity to
admit them on the foundation; a charity to the world, to whom they are a
common pest and nuisance; and a charity to themselves, to relieve them
from want, contempt, kicking, and several other accidents of that
nature, to which they are continually liable.
Grub-street itself would then have reason to rejoice, to see so many of
its half-starved manufacturers amply provided for; and the whole tribe
of meagre incurables would probably shout for joy, at being delivered
from the tyranny and garrets of printers, publishers, and booksellers.
What a mixed multitude of ballad-writers, ode-makers, translators,
farce-compounders, opera-mongers, biographers, pamphleteers, and
journalists, would appear crowding to the hospital; not unlike the
brutes resorting to the ark before the deluge! And what an universal
satisfaction would such a sight afford to all, except pastry-cooks,
grocers, chandlers, and tobacco-retailers, to whom alone the writings of
those incurables were anyway profitable!
I have often been amazed to observe, what a variety of incurable
coxcombs are to be met with between St. James's and Limehouse, at every
hour of the day; as numerous as Welsh parsons, and equally contemptible.
How they swarm in all coffeehouses, theatres, public walks, and private
assemblies; how they are incessantly employed in cultivating intrigues,
and every kind of irrational pleasure; how industrious they seem to
mimic the appearance of monkeys, as monkeys are emulous to imitate the
gestures of men: And from such observations, I concluded, that to
confine the greatest part of those incurables, who are so many living
burlesques of human nature, would be of eminent service to this nation;
and I am persuaded that I am far from being singular in that opinion.
As for the incurable infidels and liars, I shall range them under the
same article, and would willingly appoint them the same apartment in the
hospital; because there is a much nearer resemblance between them, than
is generally imagined.
Have they not an equal delight in imposing falsities on the public; and
seem they not equally desirous to be thought of more sagacity and
importance than others? Do they not both report what both know to be
false; and both confidently assert what they are conscious is most
liable to contradiction?
The parallel might easily be carried on much further, if the intended
shortness of this essay would admit it. However, I cannot forbear taking
notice, with what immense quantities of incurable liars his Majesty's
kingdoms are overrun; what offence and prejudice they are to the public;
what inconceivable injury to private persons; and what a necessity there
is for an hospital, to relieve the nation from the curse of so many
incurables.
This distemper appears almost in as many different shapes, as there are
persons afflicted with it; and, in every individual, is always beyond
the power of medicine.
Some lie for their interest; such as fishmongers, flatterers, pimps,
lawyers, fortune-hunters, and fortune-tellers; and others lie for their
entertainment, as maids, wives, widows, and all other tea-table
attendants.
Some lie out of vanity, as poets, painters, players, fops, military
officers, and all those who frequent the levees of the great: and others
lie out of ill nature, as old maids, &c.
Some lie out of custom, as lovers, coxcombs, footmen, sailors,
mechanics, merchants, and chambermaids; and others lie out of
complaisance or necessity, as courtiers, chaplains, &c. In short, it
were endless to enumerate them all, but this sketch may be sufficient to
give us some small imperfect idea of their numbers.
As to the remaining incurables, we may reasonably conclude, that they
bear at least an equal proportion to those already mentioned; but with
regard to the incurable whores in this kingdom, I must particularly
observe, that such of them as are public, and make it their profession,
have proper hospitals for their reception already, if we could find
magistrates without passions, or officers without an incurable itch to a
bribe. And such of them as are private, and make it their amusement, I
should be unwilling to disturb, for two reasons.
First, Because it might probably afflict many noble, wealthy, contented,
and unsuspecting husbands, by convincing them of their own dishonour,
and the unpardonable disloyalty of their wives: And, secondly, Because
it will be for ever impossible to confine a woman from being guilty of
any kind of misconduct, when once she is firmly resolved to attempt it.
From all which observations, every reasonable man must infallibly be
convinced, that an hospital for the support of these different kinds of
incurables, would be extremely beneficial to these kingdoms. I think,
therefore, that nothing further is wanting, but to demonstrate to the
public, that such a Scheme is very practicable; both by having an
undoubted method to raise an annual income, at least sufficient to make
the experiment, (which is the way of founding all hospitals,) and by
having also a strong probability, that such an hospital would be
supported by perpetual benefactions; which, in very few years, might
enable us to increase the number of incurables to nine-tenths more than
we can reasonably venture on at first.
* * * * *
_A Computation of the Daily and Annual Expenses of an Hospital, to be
erected for Incurables._
Per day.
Incurable fools, are almost infinite; however, at
first, I would have only twenty thousand admitted;
and, allowing to each person but one shilling per
day for maintenance, which is as low as possible, the
daily expense for this article will be ВЈ1000
Incurable knaves, are, if possible, more numerous,
including foreigners, especially Irishmen. Yet I
would limit the number of these to about thirty
thousand; which would amount to 1500
Incurable scolds, would be plentifully supplied
from almost every family in the kingdom. And indeed,
to make this hospital of any real benefit, we
cannot admit fewer, even at first, than thirty thousand,
including the ladies of Billingsgate and Leadenhall
market, which is 1500
The incurable scribblers, are undoubtedly a very
considerable society, and of that denomination I
would admit at least forty thousand; because it is
to be supposed, that such incurables will be found
in greatest distress for a daily maintenance. And
if we had not great encouragement to hope, that
many of that class would properly be admitted
among the incurable fools, I should strenuously intercede
to have ten or twenty thousand more added.
But their allowed number will amount to 2000
Incurable coxcombs, are very numerous; and,
considering what numbers are annually imported
from France and Italy, we cannot admit fewer than
ten thousand, which will be 500
Incurable infidels, (as they affect to be called)
should be received into the hospital to the number
of ten thousand. However, if it should accidentally
happen to grow into a fashion to be believers, it is
probable, that the great part of them would, in a
very short time, be dismissed from the hospital, as
perfectly cured. Their expense would be 500
Incurable liars, are infinite in all parts of the kingdom;
and, making allowance for citizens' wives,
mercers, prentices, news-writers, old maids, and
flatterers, we cannot possibly allow a smaller number
than thirty thousand, which will amount to 1500
The incurable envious, are in vast quantities
throughout this whole nation. Nor can it reasonably
be expected that their numbers should lessen, while
fame and honours are heaped upon some particular
persons, as the public reward of their superior
accomplishments, while others, who are equally excellent,
in their own opinions, are constrained to
live unnoticed and contemned. And, as it would
be impossible to provide for all those who are possessed
with this distemper, I should consent to admit
only twenty thousand at first, by way of experiment,
amounting to 1000
Of the incurable vain, affected, and impertinent,
I should at least admit ten thousand; which number
I am confident will appear very inconsiderable, if
we include all degrees of females, from the duchess
to the chambermaid; all poets, who have had a little
success, especially in the dramatic way, and all
players, who have met with a small degree of approbation.
Amounting only to 500
By which plain computation it is evident, that two hundred thousand
persons will be daily provided for, and the allowance for maintaining
this collection of incurables may be seen in the following account.
Per day.
_For the Incurable_
Fools, being 20,000 at one shilling each ВЈ1000
Knaves 30,000 ditto 1500
Scolds 30,000 1500
Scribblers 40,000 2000
Coxcombs 10,000 500
Infidels 10,000 500
Liars 30,000 1500
_For the Incurably_
Envious 20,000 1000
Vain 10,000 500
_______ ______
Total maintained, 200,000 Total expense, ВЈ10,000
M. Th. H.
From whence it appears, that the daily expense
will amount to such a sum, as in 365
days comes to ВЈ3,650,000
And I am fully satisfied that a sum, much greater than this, may easily
be raised, with all possible satisfaction to the subject, and without
interfering in the least with the revenues of the crown.
In the first place, a large proportion of this sum might be raised by
the voluntary contribution of the inhabitants.
The computed number of people in Great Britain is very little less than
eight millions; of which, upon a most moderate computation, we may
account one half to be incurables. And as all those different
incurables, whether acting in the capacity of friends, acquaintances,
wives, husbands, daughters, counsellors, parents, old maids, or old
bachelors, are inconceivable plagues to all those with whom they happen
to be concerned; and as there is no hope of being eased of such plagues,
except by such an hospital, which by degrees might be enlarged to
contain them all: I think it cannot be doubted, that at least three
millions and an half of people, out of the remaining proportion, would
be found both able and desirous to contribute so small a sum as twenty
shillings _per annum_, for the quiet of the kingdom, the peace of
private families, and the credit of the nation in general. And this
contribution would amount to very near our requisite sum.
Nor can this by any means be esteemed a wild conjecture; for where is
there a man of common sense, honesty, or good-nature, who would not
gladly propose even a much greater sum to be freed from a scold, a
knave, a fool, a liar, a coxcomb conceitedly repeating the compositions
of others, or a vain impertinent poet repeating his own?
In the next place, it may justly be supposed, that many young noblemen,
knights, squires, and extravagant heirs, with very large estates, would
be confined in our hospital. And I would propose, that the annual income
of every particular incurable's estate should be appropriated to the use
of the house. But, besides these, there will undoubtedly be many old
misers, aldermen, justices, directors of companies, templars, and
merchants of all kinds, whose personal fortunes are immense, and who
should proportionably pay to the hospital.
Yet, lest, by being here misunderstood, I should seem to propose an
unjust or oppressive Scheme, I shall further explain my design.
Suppose, for instance, a young nobleman, possessed of ten or twenty
thousand pounds _per annum_, should accidentally be confined there as an
incurable: I would have only such a proportion of his estate applied to
the support of the hospital, as he himself would spend if he were at
liberty. And, after his death, the profits of the estate should
regularly devolve to the next lawful heir, whether male or female.
And my reason for this proposal is; because considerable estates, which
probably would be squandered away among hounds, horses, whores,
sharpers, surgeons, tailors, pimps, masquerades, or architects, if left
to the management of such incurables; would, by this means, become of
some real use, both to the public and themselves. And perhaps this may
be the only method which can be found to make such young spendthrifts of
any real benefit to their country.
And although the estates of deceased incurables might be permitted to
descend to the next heirs, the hospital would probably sustain no great
disadvantage; because it is very likely that most of these heirs would
also gradually be admitted under some denomination or other; and
consequently their estates would again devolve to the use of the
hospital.
As to the wealthy misers, &c., I would have their private fortunes
nicely examined and calculated; because, if they were old bachelors, (as
it would frequently happen,) their whole fortunes should then be
appropriated to the endowment; but, if married, I would leave two-thirds
of their fortunes for the support of their families; which families
would cheerfully consent to give away the remaining third, if not more,
to be freed from such peevish and disagreeable governors.
So that, deducting from the two hundred thousand incurables the forty
thousand scribblers, who to be sure would be found in very bad
circumstances; I believe, among the remaining hundred and sixty thousand
fools, knaves, and coxcombs, so many would be found of large estates and
easy fortunes, as would at least produce two hundred thousand pounds
_per annum_.
As a further addition to our endowment, I would have a tax upon all
inscriptions and tombstones, monuments and obelisks, erected to the
honour of the dead, or on porticoes and trophies, to the honour of the
living; because these will naturally and properly come under the article
of lies, pride, vanity, &c.
And if all inscriptions throughout this kingdom were impartially
examined, in order to tax those which should appear demonstrably false
or flattering, I am convinced that not one-fifth part of the number
would, after such a scrutiny, escape exempted.
Many an ambitious turbulent spirit would then be found, belied with the
opposite title of "lover of his country"; and many a Middlesex justice,
as improperly described, "sleeping in hope of salvation."
Many an usurer, discredited by the appellations of "honest and frugal";
and many a lawyer, with the character of conscientious and "equitable."
Many a British statesman and general, decaying, with more honour than
they lived; and their dusts distinguished with a better reputation than
when they were animated.
Many dull parsons, improperly styled eloquent; and as many stupid
physicians, improperly styled learned.
Yet, notwithstanding the extensiveness of a tax upon such monumental
impositions, I will count only upon twenty thousand, at five pounds
_per annum_ each, which will amount to one hundred thousand pounds
annually.
To these annuities, I would also request the Parliament of this nation
to allow the benefit of two lotteries yearly; by which the hospital
would gain two hundred thousand pounds clear. Nor can such a request
seem any way extraordinary, since it would be appropriated to the
benefit of fools and knaves, which is the sole cause of granting one for
this present year.
In the last place, I would add the estate of Richard Norton, Esq.;[180]
and, to do his memory all possible honour, I would have his statue
erected in the very first apartment of the hospital, or in any other
which might seem more apt. And, on his monument, I would permit a long
inscription, composed by his dearest friends, which should remain
tax-free for ever.
From these several articles, therefore, would annually arise the
following sums.
M. Th. H.
P. Ann.
From the voluntary contribution, ВЈ3,500,000
From the estates of the incurables, 200,000
By the tax upon tombstones, monuments,
&c. (that of Richard Norton, Esq. always
excepted,) 100,000
By two annual lotteries, 200,000
By the estate of Richard Norton, Esq. 6,000
----------
Total, ВЈ4,006,000[181]
----------
And the necessary sum for the hospital being ВЈ3,650,000
There will remain annually over and above, 356,000
Which sum of _356,000l._ should be applied towards erecting the
building, and answer accidental expenses, in such a manner as should
seem most proper to promote the design of the hospital. But the whole
management of it should be left to the skill and discretion of those who
are to be constituted governors.
It may, indeed, prove a work of some small difficulty to fix upon a
commodious place, large enough for a building of this nature. I should
have thoughts of attempting to enclose all Yorkshire, if I were not
apprehensive that it would be crowded with so many incurable knaves of
its own growth, that there would not be the least room left for the
reception of any others; by which accident, our whole project might be
retarded for some time.
Thus have I set this matter in the plainest light I could, that every
one may judge of the necessity, usefulness, and practicableness of this
Scheme: and I shall only add a few scattered hints, which, to me, seem
not altogether unprofitable.
I think the prime minister for the time being ought largely to
contribute to such a foundation; because his high station and merits
must of necessity infect a great number with envy, hatred, lying, and
such sort of distempers; and, of consequence, furnish the hospital
annually with many incurables.
I would desire that the governors appointed to direct this hospital,
should have (if such a thing were possible) some appearance of religion,
and belief in God; because those who are to be admitted as incurable
infidels, atheists, deists, and freethinkers, most of which tribe are
only so out of pride, conceit, and affectation, might perhaps grow
gradually into believers, if they perceived it to be the custom of the
place where they lived.
Although it be not customary for the natives of Ireland to meet with any
manner of promotion in this kingdom, I would, in this respect, have that
national prejudice entirely laid aside; and request, that, for the
reputation of both kingdoms, a _large_ apartment in the hospital may be
fitted up for Irishmen particularly, who, either by knavery, lewdness,
or fortune-hunting, should appear qualified for admittance; because
their numbers would certainly be very considerable.
I would further request, that a father, who seems delighted at seeing
his son metamorphosed into a fop, or a coxcomb, because he hath
travelled from London to Paris; may be sent along with the young
gentleman to the hospital, as an old fool, absolutely incurable.
If a poet hath luckily produced anything, especially in the dramatic
way, which is tolerably well received by the public, he should be sent
immediately to the hospital; because incurable vanity is always the
consequence of a little success. And, if his compositions be ill
received, let him be admitted as a scribbler.
And I hope, in regard to the great pains I have taken, about this
Scheme, that I shall be admitted upon the foundation, as one of the
scribbling incurables. But, as an additional favour, I entreat, that I
may not be placed in an apartment with a poet who hath employed his
genius for the stage; because he will kill me with repeating his own
compositions: and I need not acquaint the world, that it is extremely
painful to bear any nonsense--except our own.
My private reason for soliciting so early to be admitted is, because it
is observed that schemers and projectors are generally reduced to
beggary; but, by my being provided for in the hospital, either as an
incurable fool or a scribbler, that discouraging observation will for
once be publicly disproved, and my brethren in that way will be secure
of a public reward for their labours.
It gives me, I own, a great degree of happiness, to reflect, that
although in this short treatise the characters of many thousands are
contained, among the vast variety of incurables; yet, not any one person
is likely to be offended; because, it is natural to apply ridiculous
characters to all the world, except ourselves. And I dare be bold to
say, that the most incurable fool, knave, scold, coxcomb, scribbler, or
liar, in this whole nation, will sooner enumerate the circle of their
acquaintance as addicted to those distempers, than once imagine
_themselves_ any way qualified for such an hospital.
I hope, indeed, that our wise legislature will take this project into
their serious consideration; and promote an endowment, which will be of
such eminent service to multitudes of his Majesty's unprofitable
subjects, and may in time be of use to _themselves_ and their posterity.
* * * * *
From my Garret in Moorfields, Aug. 20, 1733.
TO THE HONOURABLE
HOUSE OF COMMONS, &c.
_The Humble Petition of the Footmen in and about the City of Dublin._
NOTE.
Swift may have written the following mock petition by way of satire
against the many absurd petitions which were presented at the time
to the Irish House of Commons, and of which two examples were
quoted in the note to a previous tract. If coal-porters and
hackney-coachmen might address the Honourable House, why not
footmen?
* * * * *
The present text is based on that found at the end of Swift's
"Serious and Useful Scheme to make an Hospital for Incurables,"
issued by George Faulkner in 1733. Faulkner reprinted this volume
in 1734.
[T. S.]
TO THE HONOURABLE HOUSE OF COMMONS, &c.
_The Humble Petition of the Footmen in and about the City of Dublin._
_Humbly Sheweth_,
That your Petitioners are a great and numerous society, endowed with
several privileges, time out of mind.
That certain lewd, idle, and disorderly persons, for several months
past, as it is notoriously known, have been daily seen in the public
walks of this City, habited sometimes in green coats, and sometimes in
laced, with long oaken cudgels in their hands, and without swords, in
hopes to procure favour, by that advantage, with a great number of
ladies who frequent those walks, pretending and giving themselves out to
be true genuine Irish footmen. Whereas they can be proved to be no
better than common toupees,[182] as a judicious eye may soon discover by
their awkward, clumsy, ungenteel gait and behaviour, by their
unskilfulness in dress, even with the advantage of wearing our habits,
by their ill-favoured countenances, with an air of impudence and dulness
peculiar to the rest of their brethren; who have not yet arrived at that
transcendent pitch of assurance. Although, it may be justly apprehended,
that they will do so in time, if these counterfeits shall happen to
succeed in their evil design, of passing for real footmen, thereby to
render themselves more amiable to the ladies.
Your petitioners do further allege, that many of the said counterfeits,
upon a strict examination, have been found in the very act of strutting,
swearing, staring, swaggering, in a manner that plainly shewed their
best endeavours to imitate us. Wherein, although they did not succeed,
yet by their ignorant and ungainly way of copying our graces, the utmost
indignity was endeavoured to be cast upon our whole profession.
Your Petitioners do therefore make it their humble request, that this
Honourable House, (to many of whom your Petitioners are nearly allied)
will please to take this grievance into your most serious consideration:
Humbly submitting, whether it would not be proper, that certain officers
might, at the public charge, be employed to search for, and discover all
such counterfeit footmen, and carry them before the next Justice of
Peace; by whose warrant, upon the first conviction, they should be
stripped of their coats, and oaken ornaments, and be set two hours in
the stocks. Upon the second conviction, besides stripping, be set six
hours in the stocks, with a paper pinned on their breast signifying
their crime, in large capital letters, and in the following words. "A. B.
commonly called A. B. Esq.; a toupee, and a notorious impostor, who
presumed to personate a true Irish footman."
And for any further offence the said toupee shall be committed to
Bridewell, whipped three times, forced to hard labour for a month, and
not be set at liberty, till he shall have given sufficient security for
his good behaviour.
Your Honours will please to observe with what lenity we propose to treat
these enormous offenders, who have already brought such a scandal on our
honourable calling, that several well-meaning people have mistaken them
to be of our Fraternity; in diminution to that credit and dignity
wherewith we have supported our station, as we always did, in the _worst
of times_.[183] And we further beg leave to remark, that this was
manifestly done with a seditious design, to render us less capable of
serving the public in any great employments, as several of our
Fraternity, as well as our ancestors have done.
We do therefore humbly implore your Honours, to give necessary orders
for our relief, in this present exigency, and your Petitioners (as in
duty bound) shall ever pray, &c.
Dublin, 1733.
ADVICE
TO THE
FREEMEN OF THE CITY OF DUBLIN,
IN THE CHOICE OF A MEMBER TO REPRESENT THEM IN PARLIAMENT.
WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1733.
NOTE.
Swift here argues that a holder of an office under the government
cannot, of necessity, be an honest representative of the people.
There were two candidates before the freemen for the suffrages of
the City, one, Lord Mayor French, and the other Mr. John Macarrell.
The latter was an office-holder; he was Register to the Barracks,
and received his salary from the government. It was not to be
expected that he would vote against his employer, be he never so
honest a man. Swift openly informs the freemen that the Drapier is
against this man. The Lord Mayor was elected.
* * * * *
The text of this "Advice" is based on that given in the eighth
volume of Swift's Collected Works, issued in 1746. The Forster
Collection contains a made-up booklet of pp. 196-205, taken from a
volume of one of the collected editions.
[T. S.]
ADVICE TO THE FREEMEN OF THE CITY OF DUBLIN, IN THE CHOICE OF A MEMBER
TO REPRESENT THEM IN PARLIAMENT.
Those few writers, who, since the death of Alderman Burton, have
employed their pens in giving advice to our citizens, how they should
proceed in electing a new representative for the next sessions, having
laid aside their pens, I have reason to hope, that all true lovers of
their country in general, and particularly those who have any regard for
the privileges and liberties of this great and ancient city, will think
a second, and a third time, before they come to a final determination
upon what person they resolve to fix their choice.
I am told, there are only two persons who set up for candidates; one is
the present Lord Mayor,[184] and the other, a gentleman of good esteem,
an alderman of the city, a merchant of reputation, and possessed of a
considerable office under the crown.[185] The question is, which of
these two persons it will be most for the advantage of the city to
elect? I have but little acquaintance with either, so that my inquiries
will be very impartial, and drawn only from the general character and
situation of both.
In order to this, I must offer my countrymen and fellow-citizens some
reasons why I think they ought to be more than ordinarily careful, at
this juncture, upon whom they bestow their votes.
To perform this with more clearness, it may be proper to give you a
short state of our unfortunate country.
We consist of two parties: I do not mean Popish and Protestant, High and
Low Church, Episcopal and Sectarians, Whig and Tory; but of these
English who happen to be born in this kingdom, (whose ancestors reduced
the whole nation under the obedience of the English crown,) and the
gentlemen sent from the other side to possess most of the chief
employments here. This latter party is very much enlarged and
strengthened by the whole power in the church, the law, the army, the
revenue, and the civil administration deposited in their hands;
although, out of political ends, and to save appearances, some
employments are still deposited (yet gradually in a smaller number) to
persons born here; this proceeding, fortified with good words and many
promises, is sufficient to flatter and feed the hopes of hundreds, who
will never be one farthing the better, as they might easily be
convinced, if they were qualified to think at all.
Civil employments of all kinds have been for several years past, with
great prudence, made precarious, and during pleasure; by which means the
possessors are, and must inevitably be, for ever dependent; yet those
very few of any consequence, which are dealt with so sparing a hand to
persons born among us, are enough to keep hope alive in great numbers,
who desire to mend their condition by the favour of those in power.
Now, my dear fellow-citizens, how is it possible you can conceive, that
any person, who holds an office of some hundred pounds a year, which may
be taken from him whenever power shall think fit, will, if he should be
chosen a member for any city, do the least thing, when he sits in the
house, that he knows or fears may be displeasing to those who gave him
or continue him in that office? Believe me, these are no times to expect
such an exalted degree of virtue from mortal men. Blazing stars are much
more frequently seen than such heroical worthies. And I could sooner
hope to find ten thousand pounds by digging in my garden, than such a
phoenix, by searching among the present race of mankind.
I cannot forbear thinking it a very erroneous, as well as modern maxim
of politics, in the English nation, to take every opportunity of
depressing Ireland; whereof an hundred instances may be produced in
points of the highest importance, and within the memory of every
middle-aged man; although many of the greatest persons among that party
which now prevails, have formerly, upon that article, much differed in
their opinion from their present successors.
But so the fact stands at present. It is plain that the court and
country party here, (I mean in the House of Commons,) very seldom agree
in anything but their loyalty to his present Majesty, their resolutions
to make him and his viceroy easy in the government, to the utmost of
their power, under the present condition of the kingdom. But the persons
sent from England, who (to a trifle) are possessed of the sole executive
power in all its branches, with their few adherents in possession who
were born here, and hundreds of expectants, hopers, and promissees, put
on quite contrary notions with regard to Ireland. They count upon a
universal submission to whatever shall be demanded; wherein they act
safely, because none of themselves, except the candidates, feel the
least of our pressures.
I remember a person of distinction some days ago affirmed in a good deal
of mixed company, and of both parties, that the gentry from England, who
now enjoy our highest employments of all kinds, can never be possibly
losers of one farthing by the greatest calamities that can befall this
kingdom, except a plague that would sweep away a million of our hewers
of wood and drawers of water, or an invasion that would fright our
grandees out of the kingdom. For this person argued, that while there
was a penny left in the treasury, the civil and military list must be
paid; and that the Episcopal revenues, which are usually farmed out at
six times below the real value, could hardly fail. He insisted farther,
that as money diminished, the price of all necessaries for life must of
consequence do so too, which would be for the advantage of all persons
in employment, as well as of my lords the bishops, and to the ruin of
everybody else. Among the company there wanted not men in office,
besides one or two expectants; yet I did not observe any of them
disposed to return an answer; but the consequences drawn were these:
That the great men in power sent hither from the other side, were by no
means upon the same foot with his Majesty's other subjects of Ireland;
they had no common ligament to bind them with us; they suffered not with
our sufferings; and if it were possible for us to have any cause of
rejoicing, they could not rejoice with us.
Suppose a person, born in this kingdom, shall happen by his services for
the English interest to have an employment conferred on him worth four
hundred pounds a year; and that he hath likewise an estate in land worth
four hundred pounds a year more; suppose him to sit in Parliament; then,
suppose a land-tax to be brought in of five shillings a pound for ten
years; I tell you how this gentleman will compute. He hath four hundred
pounds a year in land: the tax he must pay yearly is one hundred pounds;
by which, in ten years, he will pay only a thousand pounds. But if he
gives his vote against this tax, he will lose four thousand pounds by
being turned out of his employment, together with the power and
influence he hath, by virtue or colour of his employment; and thus the
balance will be against him three thousand pounds.
I desire, my fellow-citizens, you will please to call to mind how many
persons you can vouch for among your acquaintance, who have so much
virtue and self-denial as to lose four hundred pounds a year for life,
together with the smiles and favour of power, and the hopes of higher
advancement, merely out of a generous love of his country.
The contentions of parties in England are very different from those
among us. The battle there is fought for power and riches; and so it is
indeed among us: but whether a great employment be given to Tom or to
Peter, they were both born in England, the profits are to be spent
there. All employments (except a very few) are bestowed on the natives;
they do not send to Germany, Holland, Sweden, or Denmark, much less to
Ireland, for chancellors, bishops, judges, or other officers. Their
salaries, whether well or ill got, are employed at home: and whatever
their morals or politics be, the nation is not the poorer.
The House of Commons in England have frequently endeavoured to limit the
number of members, who should be allowed to have employments under the
Crown. Several acts have been made to that purpose, which many wise men
think are not yet effectual enough, and many of them are rendered
ineffectual by leaving the power of re-election. Our House of Commons
consists, I think, of about three hundred members; if one hundred of
these should happen to be made up of persons already provided for,
joined with expecters, compliers easy to be persuaded, such as will give
a vote for a friend who is in hopes to get something; if they be merry
companions, without suspicion, of a natural bashfulness, not apt or able
to look forwards; if good words, smiles, and caresses, have any power
over them, the larger part of a second hundred may be very easily
brought in at a most reasonable rate.
There is an Englishman[186] of no long standing among us, but in an
employment of great trust, power, and profit. This excellent person did
lately publish, at his own expense, a pamphlet printed in England by
authority, to justify the bill for a general excise or inland duty, in
order to introduce that blessed scheme among us. What a tender care must
such an English patriot for Ireland have of our interest, if he should
condescend to sit in our Parliament! I will bridle my indignation.
However, methinks I long to see that mortal, who would with pleasure
blow us all up at a blast: but he duly receives his thousand pounds a
year; makes his progresses like a king; is received in pomp at every
town and village where he travels,[187] and shines in the English
newspapers.
