These fines, are only to be paid to the bishop during his incumbency in
the same see; if he changeth it for a better, the purchasers of the
vacant see lands, are to come immediately into possession of the see he
hath left, and both the bishop who is removed, and he who comes into his
place, are to have no more fines, for the removed bishop will find his
account by a larger revenue; and the other see will find candidates
enough. For the law maxim will here have place, that _caveat_, &c. I
mean the persons who succeed may choose whether they will accept or no.
As to the purchasers, they will probably be tenants to the see, who are
already in possession, and can afford to give more than any other
bidders.
I will further explain myself. If a person already a bishop, be removed
into a richer see, he must be content with the bare revenues, without
any fines, and so must he who comes into a bishopric vacant by death:
And this will bring the matter sooner to bear; which if the Crown shall
think fit to countenance, will soon change the present set of bishops,
and consequently encourage purchasers of their lands. For example, If a
Primate should die, and the gradation be wisely made, almost the whole
set of bishops might be changed in a month, each to his great advantage,
although no fines were to be got, and thereby save a great part of that
sum which I have appropriated towards supplying the deficiency of fines.
I have valued the bishops' lands two years' purchase above the usual
computed rate, because those lands will have a sanction from the King
and Council in England, and be confirmed by an Act of Parliament here;
besides, it is well known, that higher prices are given every day, for
worse lands, at the remotest distances, and at rack rents, which I take
to be occasioned by want of trade, when there are few borrowers, and the
little money in private hands lying dead, there is no other way to
dispose of it but in buying of land, which consequently makes the owners
hold it so high.
Besides paying the nation's debts, the sale of these lands would have
many other good effects upon the nation; it will considerably increase
the number of gentry, where the bishops' tenants are not able or willing
to purchase; for the lands will afford an hundred gentlemen a good
revenue to each; several persons from England will probably be glad to
come over hither, and be the buyers, rather than give thirty years'
purchase at home, under the loads of taxes for the public and the poor,
as well as repairs, by which means much money may be brought among us,
and probably some of the purchasers themselves may be content to live
cheap in a worse country, rather than be at the charge of exchange and
agencies, and perhaps of non-solvencies in absence, if they let their
lands too high.
This proposal will also multiply farmers, when the purchasers will have
lands in their own power, to give long and easy leases to industrious
husbandmen.
I have allowed some bishoprics of equal income to be of more or less
value to the purchaser, according as they are circumstanced. For
instance, The lands of the primacy and some other sees, are let so low,
that they hardly pay a fifth penny of the real value to the bishop, and
there the fines are the greater. On the contrary, the sees of Meath and
Clonfert, consisting, as I am told, much of tithes, those tithes are
annually let to the tenants without any fines. So the see of Dublin is
said to have many fee-farms which pay no fines, and some leases for
lives which pay very little, and not so soon nor so duly.
I cannot but be confident, that their Graces my Lords the Archbishops,
and my Lords the Bishops will heartily join in this proposal, out of
gratitude to his late and present Majesty, the best of Kings, who have
bestowed such high and opulent stations, as well as in pity to this
country which is now become their own; whereby they will be instrumental
towards paying the nation's debts, without impoverishing themselves,
enrich an hundred gentlemen, as well as free them from dependence, and
thus remove that envy which is apt to fall upon their Graces and
Lordships from considerable persons, whose birth and fortunes rather
qualify them to be lords of manors, than servile dependants upon
Churchmen however dignified or distinguished.
If I do not flatter myself, there could not be any law more popular than
this; for the immediate tenants to bishops, being some of them persons
of quality, and good estates, and more of them grown up to be gentlemen
by the profits of these very leases, under a succession of bishops,
think it a disgrace to be subject both to rents and fines, at the
pleasure of their landlords. Then the bulk of the tenants, especially
the dissenters, who are our loyal Protestant brethren, look upon it both
as an unnatural and iniquitous thing that bishops should be owners of
land at all; (wherein I beg to differ from them) being a point so
contrary to the practice of the Apostles, whose successors they are
deemed to be, and who although they were contented that land should be
sold, for the common use of the brethren, yet would not buy it
themselves, but had it laid at their feet, to be distributed to poor
proselytes.
I will add one word more, that by such a wholesome law, all the
oppressions felt by under-tenants of Church leases, which are now laid
on by the bishops would entirely be prevented, by their Graces and
Lordships consenting to have their lands sold for payment of the
nation's debts, reserving only the present rent for their own plentiful
and honourable support.
I beg leave to add one particular, that, when heads of a Bill (as I find
the style runs in this kingdom) shall be brought in for forming this
proposal into a law; I should humbly offer that there might be a power
given to every bishop (except those who reside in Dublin) for applying
one hundred acres of profitable land that lies nearest to his palace, as
a demesne for the conveniency of his family.
I know very well, that this scheme hath been much talked of for some
time past, and is in the thoughts of many patriots, neither was it
properly mine, although I fell readily into it, when it was first
communicated to me.
Though I am almost a perfect stranger in this kingdom, yet since I have
accepted an employment here, of some consequence as well as profit, I
cannot but think myself in duty bound to consult the interest of a
people, among whom I have been so well received. And if I can be any way
instrumental towards contributing to reduce this excellent proposal into
a law which being not in the least injurious to England, will, I am
confident, meet with no opposition from that side, my sincere endeavours
to serve this Church and kingdom will be well rewarded.
A CASE SUBMITTED BY DEAN SWIFT TO MR. LINDSAY, COUNSELLOR AT LAW.[172]
A. B. agent for J. S. comes to desire J. S. to sign an assignment of a
lease in order to be registered for the security of _38l._ J. S. asks
A. B. to show him the lease A. B. says he left it at home. J. S. asks the
said A. B. how many years of the lease are unexpired? what rent the
tenant pays, and how much below the rack value? and what number of acres
there are upon the farm? To each of which questions the agent A. B.
answers categorically, that he cannot tell, and that he did not think J.
would ask him such questions. The said A. B. was asked how he came two
years after the lease was assigned, and not sooner, to have it
registered. A. B. answers, that he could not sue till the assignment.
Query, Whether the said agent A. B. made any one answer like a man of
business?
AN
EXAMINATION
OF
CERTAIN ABUSES, CORRUPTIONS, AND ENORMITIES
IN THE CITY OF DUBLIN.
NOTE.
Like many of Swift's satirical writings the title of this tract is
no indication to its subject-matter. Whatever "abuses, corruptions
and enormities" may have been rife in the city of Dublin in Swift's
time, the pamphlet which follows certainly throws no light on them.
It is in no sense a social document. But it is a very amusing and
excellent piece of jeering at the fancied apprehensions that were
rife about the Pretender, the "disaffected" people, and the
Jacobites. It is aimed at the Whigs, who were continually using the
party cries of "No Popery," "Jacobitism," and the other cognate
expressions to distress their political opponents. At the same
time, these cries had their effects, and created a great deal of
mischief. The Roman Catholics, in particular, were cruelly treated
because of the anxiety for the Protestant succession, and among the
lower tradesmen, for whom such cries would be of serious meaning, a
petty persecution against their Roman Catholic fellow-tradesmen
continually prevailed. Monck Mason draws attention to some curious
instances. (See his "History of St. Patrick's Cathedral," p. 399,
note y.)
In the "Journals of the Irish House of Commons" (vol. ii., p. 77)
is the record of a petition presented in the year 1695, by the
Protestant porters of the city of Dublin, against one Darby Ryan,
"a papist and notoriously disaffected." This Ryan was complained of
for employing those of his own persuasion and affection to carry a
cargo of coals he had bought, to his own customers. The petitioners
complained that they, Protestants, were "debased and hindered from
their small trade and gains." Another set of petitioners was the
drivers of hackney coaches. They complained that, "before the late
trouble, they got a livelihood by driving coaches in and about the
city of Dublin, but since that time, so many papists had got
coaches, and drove them with such ordinary horses, that the
petitioners could hardly get bread.... They therefore prayed the
house that none but Protestant hackney-coachmen may have liberty to
keep and drive hackney-coaches." Swift may have had these instances
in his mind when he urges that the criers who cry their wares in
Dublin should be True Protestants, and should give security to the
government for permission to cry.
In a country where such absurd complaints could be seriously
presented, and as seriously considered, a genuine apprehension must
have existed. The Whigs in making capital out of this existing
feeling stigmatized their Tory opponents as High Churchmen, and
therefore very little removed from Papists, and therefore
Jacobites. Of course there were no real grounds for such epithets,
but they indulged in them nevertheless, with the addition of
insinuations and suggestions--no insinuation being too feeble or
too far-fetched so long as it served.
Swift, writing in the person of a Whig, affects extreme anxiety for
the most ridiculous of signs, and finds a Papist, or a Jacobite,
or a disaffected person, in the least likely of places. The tract,
in this light, is a really amusing piece. Swift takes the
opportunity also to hit Walpole, under a pretended censure of his
extravagance, corruption, and avarice.
* * * * *
The text here given of this tract is based on that of the original
edition issued in Dublin in 1732. The last paragraph, however, does
not appear in that edition, and is reprinted here from Scott.
[T. S.]
AN
EXAMINATION
OF CERTAIN
_Abuses, Corruptions,_
AND
_ENORMITIES_
IN THE
City of _DUBLIN_.
[Illustration]
_Dublin_: Printed in the Year 1732.
Nothing is held more commendable in all great cities, especially the
metropolis of a kingdom, than what the French call the police; by which
word is meant the government thereof, to prevent the many disorders
occasioned by great numbers of people and carriages, especially through
narrow streets. In this government our famous City of Dublin is said to
be very defective, and universally complained of. Many wholesome laws
have been enacted to correct those abuses, but are ill executed; and
many more are wanting, which I hope the united wisdom of the nation
(whereof so many good effects have already appeared this session) will
soon take into their most profound consideration.
As I have been always watchful over the good of mine own country, and
particularly for that of our renowned city, where (_absit invidia_) I
had the honour to draw my first breath[173]; I cannot have a minute's
ease or patience to forbear enumerating some of the greatest enormities,
abuses, and corruptions, spread almost through every part of Dublin; and
proposing such remedies as, I hope, the legislature will approve of.
The narrow compass to which I have confined myself in this paper, will
allow me only to touch at the most important defects, and such as I
think seem to require the most speedy redress.
And first, perhaps there was never known a wiser institution than that
of allowing certain persons of both sexes, in large and populous cities,
to cry through the streets many necessaries of life; it would be endless
to recount the conveniences which our city enjoys by this useful
invention, and particularly strangers, forced hither by business, who
reside here but a short time; for, these having usually but little
money, and being wholly ignorant of the town, might at an easy price
purchase a tolerable dinner, if the several criers would pronounce the
names of the goods they have to sell, in any tolerable language. And
therefore till our law-makers shall think it proper to interpose so far
as to make these traders pronounce their words in such terms, that a
plain Christian hearer may comprehend what is cried, I would advise all
new comers to look out at their garret windows, and there see whether
the thing that is cried be tripes or flummery, butter-milk or cow-heels.
For, as things are now managed, how is it possible for an honest
countryman, just arrived, to find out what is meant, for instance, by
the following words, with which his ears are constantly stunned twice a
day, "Mugs, jugs and porringers, up in the garret, and down in the
cellar." I say, how is it possible for any stranger to understand that
this jargon is meant as an invitation to buy a farthing's worth of milk
for his breakfast or supper, unless his curiosity draws him to the
window, or till his landlady shall inform him. I produce this only as
one instance, among a hundred much worse, I mean where the words make a
sound wholly inarticulate, which give so much disturbance, and so little
information.
The affirmation solemnly made in the cry of herrings, is directly
against all truth and probability, "Herrings alive, alive here." The
very proverb will convince us of this; for what is more frequent in
ordinary speech, than to say of some neighbour for whom the passing-bell
rings, that he is dead as a herring. And, pray how is it possible, that
a herring, which as philosophers observe, cannot live longer than one
minute, three seconds and a half out of water, should bear a voyage in
open boats from Howth to Dublin, be tossed into twenty hands, and
preserve its life in sieves for several hours. Nay, we have witnesses
ready to produce, that many thousands of these herrings, so impudently
asserted to be alive, have been a day and a night upon dry land. But
this is not the worst. What can we think of those impious wretches, who
dare in the face of the sun, vouch the very same affirmative of their
salmon, and cry, "Salmon alive, alive;" whereas, if you call the woman
who cries it, she is not ashamed to turn back her mantle, and shew you
this individual salmon cut into a dozen pieces. I have given good advice
to these infamous disgracers of their sex and calling, without the least
appearance of remorse, and fully against the conviction of their own
consciences. I have mentioned this grievance to several of our parish
ministers, but all in vain; so that it must continue until the
government shall think fit to interpose.
There is another cry, which, from the strictest observation I can make,
appears to be very modern, and it is that of sweethearts,[174] and is
plainly intended for a reflection upon the female sex, as if there were
at present so great a dearth of lovers, that the women instead of
receiving presents from men, were now forced to offer money, to purchase
sweethearts. Neither am I sure, that the cry doth not glance at some
disaffection against the government; insinuating, that while so many of
our troops are engaged in foreign service, and such a great number of
our gallant officers constantly reside in England, the ladies are forced
to take up with parsons and attorneys: But, this is a most unjust
reflection, as may soon be proved by any person who frequents the
Castle, our public walks, our balls and assemblies, where the crowds of
_toupees_[175] were never known to swarm as they do at present.
There is a cry, peculiar to this City, which I do not remember to have
been used in London, or at least, not in the same terms that it has been
practised by both parties, during each of their power; but, very
unjustly by the Tories. While these were at the helm, they grew daily
more and more impatient to put all true Whigs and Hanoverians out of
employments. To effect which, they hired certain ordinary fellows, with
large baskets on their shoulders, to call aloud at every house, "Dirt to
carry out;" giving that denomination to our whole party, as if they
would signify, that the kingdom could never be cleansed, till we were
swept from the earth like rubbish. But, since that happy turn of times,
when we were so miraculously preserved by just an inch, from Popery,
slavery, massacre, and the Pretender, I must own it prudence in us,
still to go on with the same cry, which hath ever since been so
effectually observed, that the true political dirt is wholly removed,
and thrown on its proper dunghills, there to corrupt, and be no more
heard of.
But, to proceed to other enormities: Every person who walks the streets,
must needs observe the immense number of human excrements at the doors
and steps of waste houses, and at the sides of every dead wall; for
which the disaffected party have assigned a very false and malicious
cause. They would have it, that these heaps were laid there privately by
British fundaments, to make the world believe, that our Irish vulgar do
daily eat and drink; and, consequently, that the clamour of poverty
among us, must be false, proceeding only from Jacobites and Papists.
They would confirm this, by pretending to observe, that a British anus
being more narrowly perforated than one of our own country; and many of
these excrements upon a strict view appearing copple crowned, with a
point like a cone or pyramid, are easily distinguished from the
Hibernian, which lie much flatter, and with lest continuity. I
communicated this conjecture to an eminent physician, who is well versed
in such profound speculations; and at my request was pleased to make
trial with each of his fingers, by thrusting them into the anus of
several persons of both nations, and professed he could find no such
difference between them as those ill-disposed people allege. On the
contrary, he assured me, that much the greater number of narrow cavities
were of Hibernian origin. This I only mention to shew how ready the
Jacobites are to lay hold of any handle to express their malice against
the government. I had almost forgot to add, that my friend the physician
could, by smelling each finger, distinguish the Hibernian excrement from
the British, and was not above twice mistaken in an hundred experiments;
upon which he intends very soon to publish a learned dissertation.
There is a diversion in this City, which usually begins among the
butchers, but is often continued by a succession of other people,
through many streets. It is called the COSSING of a dog; and I may
justly number it among our corruptions. The ceremony is this: A strange
dog happens to pass through a flesh-market; whereupon an expert butcher
immediately cries in a loud voice, and the proper tone, "Coss, coss,"
several times: The same word is repeated by the people. The dog, who
perfectly understands the terms of art, and consequently the danger he
is in, immediately flies. The people, and even his own brother animals
pursue; the pursuit and cry attend him perhaps half a mile; he is well
worried in his flight, and sometimes hardly escapes. This, our
ill-wishers of the Jacobite kind, are pleased to call a persecution; and
affirm, that it always falls upon dogs of the Tory principle. But, we
can well defend ourselves, by justly alleging that when they were
uppermost, they treated our dogs full as inhumanly: As to my own part,
who have in former times often attended these processions, although I
can very well distinguish between a Whig and Tory dog, yet I never
carried my resentments very far upon a party principle, except it were
against certain malicious dogs, who most discovered their malice against
us in the _worst of times_.[176] And, I remember too well, that in the
wicked ministry of the Earl of Oxford, a large mastiff of our party
being unmercifully cossed, ran, without thinking, between my legs, as I
was coming up Fishamble Street; and, as I am of low stature, with very
short legs, bore me riding backwards down the hill, for above two
hundred yards: And, although I made use of his tail for a bridle,
holding it fast with both my hands, and clung my legs as close to his
sides as I could, yet we both came down together into the middle of the
kennel; where after rolling three or four times over each other, I got
up with much ado, amid the shouts and huzzas of a thousand malicious
Jacobites: I cannot, indeed, but gratefully acknowledge, that for this
and many other services and sufferings, I have been since more than
over-paid.
This adventure may, perhaps, have put me out of love with the diversions
of cossing, which I confess myself an enemy to, unless we could always
be sure of distinguishing Tory dogs; whereof great numbers have since
been so prudent, as entirely to change their principles, and are now
justly esteemed the best worriers of their former friends.
I am assured, and partly know, that all the chimney-sweepers' boys,
where Members of Parliament chiefly lodge, are hired by our enemies to
skulk in the tops of chimneys, with their heads no higher than will just
permit them to look round; and at the usual hours when members are going
to the House, if they see a coach stand near the lodging of any loyal
member, they call "Coach, coach," as loud as they can bawl, just at the
instant when the footman begins to give the same call. And this is
chiefly done on those days, when any point of importance is to be
debated. This practice may be of very dangerous consequence. For, these
boys are all hired by enemies to the government; and thus, by the
absence of a few members for a few minutes, a question may be carried
against the true interest of the kingdom, and very probably, not without
any eye toward the Pretender.
I have not observed the wit and fancy of this town, so much employed in
any one article, as that of contriving variety of signs to hang over
houses, where punch is to be sold. The bowl is represented full of
punch, the ladle stands erect in the middle, supported sometimes by one,
and sometimes by two animals, whose feet rest upon the edge of the bowl.
These animals are sometimes one black lion, and sometimes a couple;
sometimes a single eagle, and sometimes a spread one, and we often meet
a crow, a swan, a bear, or a cock, in the same posture.
Now, I cannot find how any of these animals, either separate, or in
conjunction, are properly speaking, either fit emblems or
embellishments, to advance the sale of punch. Besides, it is agreed
among naturalists, that no brute can endure the taste of strong liquor,
except where he hath been used to it from his infancy: And,
consequently, it is against all the rules of hieroglyph, to assign those
animals as patrons, or protectors of punch. For, in that case, we ought
to suppose, that the host keeps always ready the real bird, or beast,
whereof the picture hangs over his door, to entertain his guest; which,
however, to my knowledge, is not true in fact. For not one of those
birds is a proper companion for a Christian, as to aiding and assisting
in making the punch. For the birds, as they are drawn upon the sign, are
much more likely to mute, or shed their feathers into the liquor. Then,
as to the bear, he is too terrible, awkward, and slovenly a companion to
converse with; neither are any of them at all, handy enough to fill
liquor to the company: I do, therefore, vehemently suspect a plot
intended against the Government, by these devices. For, although the
spread-eagle be the arms of Germany, upon which account it may possibly
be a lawful Protestant sign; yet I, who am very suspicious of fair
outsides, in a matter which so nearly concerns our welfare, cannot but
call to mind, that the Pretender's wife is said to be of German birth:
And that many Popish Princes, in so vast an extent of land, are reported
to excel both at making and drinking punch. Besides, it is plain, that
the spread-eagle exhibits to us the perfect figure of a cross, which is
a badge of Popery. Then, as to the cock, he is well known to represent
the French nation, our old and dangerous enemy. The swan, who must of
necessity cover the entire bowl with his wings, can be no other than the
Spaniard, who endeavours to engross all the treasures of the Indies to
himself. The lion is indeed, the common emblem of Royal power, as well
as the arms of England; but to paint him black, is perfect Jacobitism,
and a manifest type of those who blacken the actions of the best
Princes. It is not easy to distinguish, whether the other fowl painted
over the punch-bowl, be a crow or raven? It is true, they have both been
held ominous birds; but I rather take it to be the former; because it is
the disposition of a crow, to pick out the eyes of other creatures; and
often even of Christians, after they are dead; and is therefore drawn
here, with a design to put the Jacobites in mind of their old practice,
first to lull us asleep, (which is an emblem of Death) and then to blind
our eyes, that we may not see their dangerous practices against the
State.
To speak my private opinion, the least offensive picture in the whole
set, seems to be the bear; because he represents _ursa major_, or the
Great Bear, who presides over the North, where the Reformation first
began, and which, next to Britain, (including Scotland and the north of
Ireland) is the great protector of the Protestant religion. But,
however, in those signs where I observe the bear to be chained, I can't
help surmising a Jacobite contrivance, by which these traitors hint an
earnest desire of using all true Whigs, as the predecessors did the
primitive Christians; I mean, to represent us as bears, and then halloo
their Tory dogs to bait us to death.
Thus I have given a fair account of what I dislike, in all those signs
set over those houses that invite us to punch: I own it was a matter
that did not need explaining, being so very obvious to the most common
understanding. Yet, I know not how it happens, but methinks there seems
a fatal blindness, to overspread our corporeal eyes, as well as our
intellectual; and I heartily wish, I may be found a false prophet; for,
these are not bare suspicions, but manifest demonstrations.
Therefore, away with those Popish, Jacobite, and idolatrous gew-gaws.
And I heartily wish a law were enacted, under severe penalties, against
drinking any punch at all. For nothing is easier, than to prove it a
disaffected liquor. The chief ingredients, which are brandy, oranges,
and lemons, are all sent us from Popish countries; and nothing remains
of Protestant growth but sugar and water. For, as to biscuit, which
formerly was held a necessary ingredient, and is truly British, we find
it is entirely rejected.
But I will put the truth of my assertion, past all doubt: I mean, that
this liquor is by one important innovation, grown of ill example, and
dangerous consequence to the public. It is well known, that, by the true
original institution of making punch, left us by Captain Ratcliffe, the
sharpness is only occasioned by the juice of lemons, and so continued
till after the happy Revolution. Oranges, alas! are a mere innovation,
and in a manner but of yesterday. It was the politics of Jacobites to
introduce them gradually: And, to what intent? The thing speaks itself.
It was cunningly to shew their virulence against his sacred Majesty King
William, of ever glorious and immortal memory. But of late, (to shew how
fast disloyalty increaseth) they came from one or two, and then to three
oranges; nay, at present we often find punch made all with oranges, and
not one single lemon. For the Jacobites, before the death of that
immortal Prince, had, by a superstition, formed a private prayer, that,
as they squeezed the orange, so might that Protestant King be squeezed
to death[177]: According to that known sorcery described by Virgil,
Limus ut hic durescit, et hæc ut cera liquescit, &c.
[Ecl. viii. 80.]
And, thus the Romans, when they sacrificed an ox, used this kind of
prayer. "As I knock down this ox, so may thou, O Jupiter, knock down our
enemies." In like manner, after King William's death, whenever a
Jacobite squeezed an orange, he had a mental curse upon the "glorious
memory," and a hearty wish for power to squeeze all his Majesty's
friends to death, as he squeezed that orange, which bore one of his
titles, as he was Prince of Orange. This I do affirm for truth; many of
that faction having confessed it to me, under an oath of secrecy; which,
however, I thought it my duty not to keep, when I saw my dear country in
danger. But, what better can be expected from an impious set of men, who
never scruple to drink _confusion_ to all true Protestants, under the
name of Whigs? a most unchristian and inhuman practice, which, to our
great honour and comfort, was never charged upon us, even by our most
malicious detractors.
The sign of two angels, hovering in the air, and with their right hands
supporting a crown, is met with in several parts of this city; and hath
often given me great offence: For, whether by the unskilfulness, or
dangerous principles of the painters, (although I have good reasons to
suspect the latter) those angels are usually drawn with such horrid
countenances, that they give great offence to every loyal eye, and equal
cause of triumph to the Jacobites being a most infamous reflection upon
our most able and excellent ministry.
I now return to that great enormity of our city cries; most of which we
have borrowed from London. I shall consider them only in a political
view, as they nearly affect the peace and safety of both kingdoms; and
having been originally contrived by wicked Machiavels, to bring in
Popery, slavery, and arbitrary power, by defeating the Protestant
Succession, and introducing the Pretender, ought, in justice, to be here
laid open to the world.
About two or three months after the happy Revolution, all persons who
possessed any employment, or office, in Church or State, were obliged by
an Act of Parliament, to take the oaths to King William and Queen Mary:
And a great number of disaffected persons, refusing to take the said
oaths, from a pretended scruple of conscience, but really from a spirit
of Popery and rebellion, they contrived a plot, to make the swearing to
those Princes odious in the eyes of the people. To this end, they hired
certain women of ill fame, but loud shrill voices, under pretence of
selling fish, to go through the streets, with sieves on their heads, and
cry, "Buy my soul, buy my soul;" plainly insinuating, that all those who
swore to King William, were just ready to sell their souls for an
employment. This cry was revived at the death of Queen Anne, and, I
hear, still continues in London, with great offence to all true
Protestants; but, to our great happiness, seems to be almost dropped in
Dublin.
But, because I altogether contemn the displeasure and resentment of
high-fliers, Tories, and Jacobites, whom I look upon to be worse even
than professed Papists, I do here declare, that those evils which I am
going to mention, were all brought in upon us in the _worst of times_,
under the late Earl of Oxford's administration, during the four last
years of Queen Anne's reign. _That wicked minister was universally known
to be a Papist in his heart. He was of a most avaricious nature, and is
said to have died worth four millions, sterl.[178] besides his vast
expenses in building, statues, gold plate, jewels, and other costly
rarities. He was of a mean obscure birth, from the very dregs of the
people, and so illiterate, that he could hardly read a paper at the
council table. I forbear to touch at his open, profane, profligate life;
because I desire not to rake into the ashes of the dead, and therefore
I shall observe this wise maxim:_ De mortuis nil nisi bonum.
This flagitious man, in order to compass his black designs, employed
certain wicked instruments (which great statesmen are never without) to
adapt several London cries, in such a manner as would best answer his
ends. And, whereas it was upon grounds grievously suspected, that all
places at Court were sold to the highest bidder: Certain women were
employed by his emissaries, to carry fish in baskets on their heads, and
bawl through the streets, "Buy my fresh places." I must, indeed, own
that other women used the same cry, who were innocent of this wicked
design, and really sold their fish of that denomination to get an honest
livelihood; but the rest, who were in the secret, although they carried
fish in their sieves or baskets, to save appearances; yet they had
likewise, a certain sign, somewhat resembling that of the free-masons,
which the purchasers of places knew well enough, and were directed by
the women whither they were to resort, and make their purchase. And, I
remember very well, how oddly it looked, when we observed many gentlemen
finely dressed, about the Court end of the town, and as far as York
Buildings, where the Lord Treasurer Oxford dwelt, calling the women who
cried "Buy my fresh places," and talking to them in the corner of a
street, after they understood each other's sign: But we never could
observe that any fish was bought.
Some years before the cries last mentioned, the Duke of Savoy was
reported to have made certain overtures to the Court of England, for
admitting his eldest son by the Duchess of Orleans's daughter, to
succeed to the Crown, as next heir, upon the Pretender's being rejected,
and that son was immediately to turn Protestant. It was confidently
reported, that great numbers of people disaffected to the then
illustrious but now Royal House of Hanover, were in those measures.
Whereupon another set of women were hired by the Jacobite leaders, to
cry through the whole town, "Buy my Savoys, dainty Savoys, curious
Savoys." But, I cannot directly charge the late Earl of Oxford with this
conspiracy, because he was not then chief Minister. However, the wicked
cry still continues in London, and was brought over hither, where it
remains to this day, and in my humble opinion, a very offensive sound to
every true Protestant, who is old enough to remember those dangerous
times.
During the Ministry of that corrupt and Jacobite earl above-mentioned,
the secret pernicious design of those in power, was to sell Flanders to
France; the consequence of which, must have been the infallible ruin of
the States-General, and would have opened the way for France to obtain
that universal monarchy, after which they have so long aspired; to which
the British dominions must next, after Holland, have been compelled to
submit, and the Protestant religion would be rooted out of the world.
A design of this vast importance, after long consultation among the
Jacobite grandees, with the Earl of Oxford at their head, was at last
determined to be carried on by the same method with the former; it was
therefore again put in practice; but the conduct of it was chiefly left
to chosen men, whose voices were louder and stronger than those of the
other sex. And upon this occasion, was first instituted in London, that
famous cry of "FLOUNDERS." But the criers were particularly
directed to pronounce the word "Flaunders," and not "Flounders." For,
the country which we now by corruption call Flanders, is in its true
orthography spelt Flaunders, as may be obvious to all who read old
English books. I say, from hence begun that thundering cry, which hath
ever since stunned the ears of all London, made so many children fall
into fits, and women miscarry; "Come buy my fresh flaunders, curious
flaunders, charming flaunders, alive, alive, ho;" which last words can
with no propriety of speech be applied to fish manifestly dead, (as I
observed before in herrings and salmon) but very justly to ten
provinces, which contain many millions of living Christians. And the
application is still closer, when we consider that all the people were
to be taken like fishes in a net; and, by assistance of the Pope, who
sets up to be the universal Fisher of Men, the whole innocent nation,
was, according to our common expression, to be "laid as flat as a
flounder."
I remember, myself, a particular crier of flounders in London, who
arrived at so much fame for the loudness of his voice, that he had the
honour to be mentioned upon that account, in a comedy. He hath
disturbed me many a morning, before he came within fifty doors of my
lodging. And although I were not in those days so fully apprized of the
designs, which our common enemy had then in agitation, yet, I know not
how, by a secret impulse, young as I was, I could not forbear conceiving
a strong dislike against the fellow; and often said to myself, "This cry
seems to be forged in the Jesuits' school. Alas, poor England! I am
grievously mistaken if there be not some Popish Plot at the bottom." I
communicated my thoughts to an intimate friend, who reproached me with
being too visionary in my speculations: But, it proved afterwards, that
I conjectured right. And I have often since reflected, that if the
wicked faction could have procured only a thousand men, of as strong
lungs as the fellow I mentioned, none can tell how terrible the
consequences might have been, not only to these two Kingdoms, but over
all Europe, by selling Flanders to France. And yet these cries continue
unpunished, both in London and Dublin, although I confess, not with
equal vehemency or loudness, because the reason for contriving this
desperate plot, is, to our great felicity, wholly ceased.
It is well known, that the majority of the British House of Commons in
the last years of Queen Anne's reign, were in their hearts directly
opposite to the Earl of Oxford's pernicious measures; which put him
under the necessity of bribing them with salaries. Whereupon he had
again recourse to his old politics. And accordingly, his emissaries were
very busy in employing certain artful women of no good life or
conversation, (as it was fully proved before Justice Peyton) to cry that
vegetable commonly called celery, through the town. These women differed
from the common criers of that herb, by some private mark which I could
never learn; but the matter was notorious enough, and sufficiently
talked of, and about the same period was the cry of celery brought over
into this kingdom. But since there is not at this present, the least
occasion to suspect the loyalty of our criers upon that article, I am
content that it may still be tolerated.
I shall mention but one cry more, which hath any reference to politics;
but is indeed, of all others the most insolent, as well as treasonable,
under our present happy Establishment. I mean that of turnups; not of
turnips, according to the best orthography, but absolutely turnups.
Although this cry be of an older date than some of the preceding
enormities, for it began soon after the Revolution; yet was it never
known to arrive at so great a height, as during the Earl of Oxford's
power. Some people, (whom I take to be private enemies) are, indeed, as
ready as myself to profess their disapprobation of this cry, on pretence
that it began by the contrivance of certain old procuresses, who kept
houses of ill-fame, where lewd women met to draw young men into vice.
And this they pretend to prove by some words in the cry; because, after
the crier had bawled out, "Turnups, ho, buy my dainty turnups," he would
sometimes add the two following verses:--
"Turn up the mistress, and turn up the maid,
And turn up the daughter, and be not afraid."
This, say some political sophists, plainly shews that there can be
nothing further meant in this infamous cry, than an invitation to
lewdness, which indeed, ought to be severely punished in all
well-regulated Governments; but cannot be fairly interpreted as a crime
of State. But, I hope, we are not so weak and blind to be deluded at
this time of day, with such poor evasions. I could, if it were proper,
demonstrate the very time when those two verses were composed, and name
the author, who was no other than the famous Mr. Swan, so well known for
his talent at quibbling, and was as virulent a Jacobite as any in
England. Neither could he deny the fact, when he was taxed for it in my
presence by Sir Harry Button-Colt, and Colonel Davenport, at the Smyrna
coffee-house, on the 10th of June, 1701. Thus it appears to a
demonstration, that those verses were only a blind to conceal the most
dangerous designs of that party, who from the first years after the
happy Revolution, used a cant way of talking in their clubs after this
manner: "We hope, to see the cards shuffled once more, and another king
TURN UP trump:" And, "When shall we meet over a dish of
TURNUPS?" The same term of art was used in their plots against
the government, and in their treasonable letters writ in ciphers, and
deciphered by the famous Dr. Wallis, as you may read in the trials of
those times. This I thought fit to set forth at large, and in so clear
a light, because the Scotch and French authors have given a very
different account of the word TURNUP, but whether out of
ignorance or partiality I shall not decree; because I am sure, the
reader is convinced by my discovery. It is to be observed, that this cry
was sung in a particular manner by fellows in disguise, to give notice
where those traitors were to meet, in order to concert their villainous
designs.
I have no more to add upon this article, than an humble proposal, that
those who cry this root at present in our streets of Dublin, may be
compelled by the justices of the peace, to pronounce turnip, and not
turnup; for, I am afraid, we have still too many snakes in our bosom;
and it would be well if their cellars were sometimes searched, when the
owners least expect it; for I am not out of fear that _latet anguis in
herbГў_.
Thus, we are zealous in matters of small moment, while we neglect those
of the highest importance. I have already made it manifest, that all
these cries were contrived in the _worst of times_, under the ministry
of that desperate statesman, Robert, late Earl of Oxford, and for that
very reason ought to be rejected with horror, as begun in the reign of
Jacobites, and may well be numbered among the rags of Popery and
treason: Or if it be thought proper, that these cries must continue,
surely they ought to be only trusted in the hands of true Protestants,
who have given security to the government.
[Having already spoken of many abuses relating to signposts, I cannot
here omit one more, because it plainly relates to politics; and is,
perhaps, of more dangerous consequence than any of the city cries,
because it directly tends to destroy the succession. It is the sign of
his present Majesty King George the Second, to be met with in many
streets; and yet I happen to be not only the first, but the only,
discoverer of this audacious instance of Jacobitism. And I am confident,
that, if the justices of the peace would please to make a strict
inspection, they might find, in all such houses, before which those
signs are hung up in the manner I have observed, that the landlords were
malignant Papists, or, which is worse, notorious Jacobites. Whoever
views those signs, may read, over his Majesty's head, the following
letters and ciphers, G. R. II., which plainly signifies George, King the
Second, and not King George the Second, or George the Second, King; but
laying the point after the letter G, by which the owner of the house
manifestly shews, that he renounces his allegiance to King George the
Second, and allows him to be only the second king, _inuendo_, that the
Pretender is the first king; and looking upon King George to be only a
kind of second king, or viceroy, till the Pretender shall come over and
seize the kingdom. I appeal to all mankind, whether this be a strained
or forced interpretation of the inscription, as it now stands in almost
every street; whether any decipherer would make the least doubt or
hesitation to explain it as I have done; whether any other Protestant
country would endure so public an instance of treason in the capital
city from such vulgar conspirators; and, lastly, whether Papists and
Jacobites of great fortunes and quality may not probably stand behind
the curtain in this dangerous, open, and avowed design against the
government. But I have performed my duty; and leave the reforming of
these abuses to the wisdom, the vigilance, the loyalty, and activity of
my superiors.][179]
A SERIOUS AND USEFUL SCHEME
TO MAKE AN
HOSPITAL FOR INCURABLES.
NOTE.
This piece, included by Sir Walter Scott for the first time among
Swift's writings, was, in the opinion of that editor, indisputably
the work of the Dean of St. Patrick's. The present editor sees no
reason to disagree with this judgement, and it is therefore
reprinted here. The original issue of 1733, printed by Faulkner
contained also Swift's "Petition of the Footmen in and about
Dublin," and had a lengthy advertisement of the Complete Works of
Swift which Faulkner was, at that time, projecting. It is
difficult, however, to understand why the tract was not included in
later editions of Swift's complete works. Sir Walter Scott puts
forward an explanation suggested by Dr. Barrett, who believed the
reason to have been, that this "_jeu d'esprit_ might be interpreted
as casting a slur on an hospital erected upon Lazors-Hill, now on
the Donny-Brook road near Dublin, for the reception of persons
afflicted with incurable maladies." The reason seems a poor one,
though it may have been as Dr. Barrett states. A better argument
might be found from the style and subject matter of the tract
itself. The style is strongly Swift's, and the subject of such an
hospital must certainly have occupied Swift's thoughts at this
time, since he left his fortune for the erection of a similar
building.
* * * * *
The text of the present edition is based on that of the volume
issued by Faulkner in 1733, compared with the Dublin reprint of the
following year.
[T. S.]
A
SERIOUS and USEFUL
SCHEME,
To make an
Hospital for Incurables,
OF
Universal Benefit to all His Majesty's Subjects.
* * * * *
Humbly addressed to the Rt. Hon. the Lord ----, the Rt. Hon. Sir ----, and
to the Rt. Hon. ----, Esq;
* * * * *
To which is added,
A Petition of the Footmen in and about _Dublin_.
* * * * *
_Fæcunda Culpæ Secula!_--Hor.
* * * * *
Printed at _LONDON_: And,
_DUBLIN_:
Printed by _GEORGE FAULKNER_, and Sold at his Shop in _Essex Street_,
opposite to the _Bridge_, and by _G. Risk_, _G. Ewing_ and _W. Smith_,
Booksellers in _Dame-Street_, 1733.
There is not any thing which contributes more to the reputation of
particular persons, or to the honour of a nation in general, than
erecting and endowing proper edifices, for the reception of those who
labour under different kinds of distress. The diseased and unfortunate
are thereby delivered from the misery of wanting assistance; and others
are delivered from the misery of beholding them.
It is certain, that the genius of the people of England is strongly
turned to public charities; and to so noble a degree, that almost in
every part of this great and opulent city, and also in many of the
adjacent villages, we meet with a great variety of hospitals, supported
by the generous contributions of private families, as well as by the
liberality of the public. Some for seamen worn out in the service of
their country, and others for infirm disabled soldiers; some for the
maintenance of tradesmen decayed, and others for their widows and
orphans; some for the service of those who linger under tedious
distempers, and others for such as are deprived of their reason.
But I find, upon nice inspection, that there is one kind of charity
almost totally disregarded, which, nevertheless, appears to me of so
excellent a nature, as to be at present more wanted, and better
calculated for the ease, quietness, and felicity of this whole kingdom,
than any other can possibly be. I mean an hospital for incurables.
I must indeed confess, that an endowment of this nature would prove a
very large and perpetual expense. However, I have not the least
diffidence, that I shall be able effectually to convince the world that
my present scheme for such an hospital is very practicable, and must be
very desirable by every one who hath the interest of his country, or his
fellow-creatures, really at heart.
