CRAMPTON. I should like to be both, my child. But surely---! Mr.
Valentine: I appeal to your sense of honor.
VALENTINE. You're quite right. It's perfect madness. If we go out
to dance together I shall have to borrow five shillings from her for a
ticket. Gloria: don't be rash: you're throwing yourself away. I'd much
better clear straight out of this, and never see any of you again. I
shan't commit suicide: I shan't even be unhappy. It'll be a relief to
me: I---I'm frightened, I'm positively frightened; and that's the plain
truth.
GLORIA (determinedly). You shall not go.
VALENTINE (quailing). No, dearest: of course not. But--oh, will
somebody only talk sense for a moment and bring us all to reason! I
can't. Where's Bohun? Bohun's the man. Phil: go and summon Bohun---
PHILIP. From the vastly deep. I go. (He makes his bat quiver in
the air and darts away through the window.)
WAITER (harmoniously to Valentine). If you will excuse my putting in
a word, sir, do not let a matter of five shillings stand between you and
your happiness, sir. We shall be only too pleased to put the ticket
down to you: and you can settle at your convenience. Very glad to meet
you in any way, very happy and pleased indeed, sir.
PHILIP (re-appearing). He comes. (He waves his bat over the window.
Bohun comes in, taking off his false nose and throwing it on the table
in passing as he comes between Gloria and Valentine.)
VALENTINE. The point is, Mr. Bohun---
McCOMAS (interrupting from the hearthrug). Excuse me, sir: the point
must be put to him by a solicitor. The question is one of an engagement
between these two young people. The lady has some property, and
(looking at Crampton) will probably have a good deal more.
CRAMPTON. Possibly. I hope so.
VALENTINE. And the gentleman hasn't a rap.
BOHUN (nailing Valentine to the point instantly). Then insist on a
settlement. That shocks your delicacy: most sensible precautions do.
But you ask my advice; and I give it to you. Have a settlement.
GLORIA (proudly). He shall have a settlement.
VALENTINE. My good sir, I don't want advice for myself. Give h e r
some advice.
BOHUN. She won't take it. When you're married, she won't take yours
either--- (turning suddenly on Gloria) oh, no, you won't: you think you
will; but you won't. He'll set to work and earn his living--- (turning
suddenly to Valentine) oh, yes, you will: you think you won't; but you
will. She'll make you.
CRAMPTON (only half persuaded). Then, Mr. Bohun, you don't think
this match an unwise one?
BOHUN. Yes, I do: all matches are unwise. It's unwise to be born;
it's unwise to be married; it's unwise to live; and it's unwise to die.
WAITER (insinuating himself between Crampton and Valentine). Then,
if I may respectfully put in a word in, sir, so much the worse for
wisdom! (To Valentine, benignly.) Cheer up, sir, cheer up: every man
is frightened of marriage when it comes to the point; but it often turns
out very comfortable, very enjoyable and happy indeed, sir---from time
to time. I never was master in my own house, sir: my wife was like your
young lady: she was of a commanding and masterful disposition, which my
son has inherited. But if I had my life to live twice over, I'd do it
again, I'd do it again, I assure you. You never can tell, sir: you
never can tell.
PHILIP. Allow me to remark that if Gloria has made up her mind---
DOLLY. The matter's settled and Valentine's done for. And we're
missing all the dances.
VALENTINE (to Gloria, gallantly making the best of it). May I have a
dance---
BOHUN (interposing in his grandest diapason). Excuse me: I claim
that privilege as counsel's fee. May I have the honor---thank you.
(He dances away with Gloria and disappears among the lanterns, leaving
Valentine gasping.)
VALENTINE (recovering his breath). Dolly: may I--- (offering himself
as her partner)?
DOLLY. Nonsense! (Eluding him and running round the table to the
fireplace.) Finch---my Finch! (She pounces on McComas and makes him
dance.)
McCOMAS (protesting). Pray restrain --- really --- (He is borne off
dancing through the window.)
VALENTINE (making a last effort). Mrs. Clandon: may I---
PHILIP (forestalling him). Come, mother. (He seizes his mother and
whirls her away.)
MRS. CLANDON (remonstrating). Phil, Phil--- (She shares McComas's
fate.)
CRAMPTON (following them with senile glee). Ho! ho! He! he! he!
(He goes into the garden chuckling at the fun.)
VALENTINE (collapsing on the ottoman and staring at the waiter). I
might as well be a married man already. (The waiter contemplates the
captured Duellist of Sex with affectionate commiseration, shaking his
head slowly.)
CURTAIN.
