MRS HUSHABYE. Do you want to be my breadwinner, like the other poor
husbands?

HECTOR. No, by thunder! What a damned creature a husband is anyhow!

MRS HUSHABYE [to the captain]. What about that harpoon cannon?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. No use. It kills whales, not men.

MRS HUSHABYE. Why not? You fire the harpoon out of a cannon. It sticks
in the enemy's general; you wind him in; and there you are.

HECTOR. You are your father's daughter, Hesione.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. There is something in it. Not to wind in generals:
they are not dangerous. But one could fire a grapnel and wind in a
machine gun or even a tank. I will think it out.

MRS HUSHABYE [squeezing the captain's arm affectionately]. Saved! You
are a darling, daddiest. Now we must go back to these dreadful people
and entertain them.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. They have had no dinner. Don't forget that.

HECTOR. Neither have I. And it is dark: it must be all hours.

MRS HUSHABYE. Oh, Guinness will produce some sort of dinner for them.
The servants always take jolly good care that there is food in the
house.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [raising a strange wail in the darkness]. What a house!
What a daughter!

MRS HUSHABYE [raving]. What a father!

HECTOR [following suit]. What a husband!

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Is there no thunder in heaven?

HECTOR. Is there no beauty, no bravery, on earth?

MRS HUSHABYE. What do men want? They have their food, their firesides,
their clothes mended, and our love at the end of the day. Why are they
not satisfied? Why do they envy us the pain with which we bring them
into the world, and make strange dangers and torments for themselves to
be even with us?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [weirdly chanting].

      I builded a house for my daughters, and opened the doors
            thereof,
      That men might come for their choosing, and their betters
            spring from their love;
      But one of them married a numskull;

HECTOR [taking up the rhythm].

      The other a liar wed;

MRS HUSHABYE [completing the stanza].

      And now must she lie beside him, even as she made her bed.

LADY UTTERWORD [calling from the garden]. Hesione! Hesione! Where are
you?

HECTOR. The cat is on the tiles.

MRS HUSHABYE. Coming, darling, coming [she goes quickly into the
garden].

The captain goes back to his place at the table.

HECTOR [going out into the hall]. Shall I turn up the lights for you?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. No. Give me deeper darkness. Money is not made in the
light.




ACT II

The same room, with the lights turned up and the curtains drawn. Ellie
comes in, followed by Mangan. Both are dressed for dinner. She strolls
to the drawing-table. He comes between the table and the wicker chair.

MANGAN. What a dinner! I don't call it a dinner: I call it a meal.

ELLIE. I am accustomed to meals, Mr Mangan, and very lucky to get them.
Besides, the captain cooked some maccaroni for me.

MANGAN [shuddering liverishly]. Too rich: I can't eat such things. I
suppose it's because I have to work so much with my brain. That's the
worst of being a man of business: you are always thinking, thinking,
thinking. By the way, now that we are alone, may I take the opportunity
to come to a little understanding with you?

ELLIE [settling into the draughtsman's seat]. Certainly. I should like
to.

MANGAN [taken aback]. Should you? That surprises me; for I thought I
noticed this afternoon that you avoided me all you could. Not for the
first time either.

ELLIE. I was very tired and upset. I wasn't used to the ways of this
extraordinary house. Please forgive me.

MANGAN. Oh, that's all right: I don't mind. But Captain Shotover has
been talking to me about you. You and me, you know.

ELLIE [interested]. The captain! What did he say?

MANGAN. Well, he noticed the difference between our ages.

ELLIE. He notices everything.

MANGAN. You don't mind, then?

ELLIE. Of course I know quite well that our engagement--

MANGAN. Oh! you call it an engagement.

ELLIE. Well, isn't it?

MANGAN. Oh, yes, yes: no doubt it is if you hold to it. This is the
first time you've used the word; and I didn't quite know where we stood:
that's all. [He sits down in the wicker chair; and resigns himself to
allow her to lead the conversation]. You were saying--?

ELLIE. Was I? I forget. Tell me. Do you like this part of the country? I
heard you ask Mr Hushabye at dinner whether there are any nice houses to
let down here.

MANGAN. I like the place. The air suits me. I shouldn't be surprised if
I settled down here.

ELLIE. Nothing would please me better. The air suits me too. And I want
to be near Hesione.

MANGAN [with growing uneasiness]. The air may suit us; but the question
is, should we suit one another? Have you thought about that?

ELLIE. Mr Mangan, we must be sensible, mustn't we? It's no use
pretending that we are Romeo and Juliet. But we can get on very well
together if we choose to make the best of it. Your kindness of heart
will make it easy for me.

MANGAN [leaning forward, with the beginning of something like deliberate
unpleasantness in his voice]. Kindness of heart, eh? I ruined your
father, didn't I?

ELLIE. Oh, not intentionally.

MANGAN. Yes I did. Ruined him on purpose.

ELLIE. On purpose!

MANGAN. Not out of ill-nature, you know. And you'll admit that I kept a
job for him when I had finished with him. But business is business; and
I ruined him as a matter of business.

ELLIE. I don't understand how that can be. Are you trying to make me
feel that I need not be grateful to you, so that I may choose freely?

MANGAN [rising aggressively]. No. I mean what I say.

ELLIE. But how could it possibly do you any good to ruin my father? The
money he lost was yours.

MANGAN [with a sour laugh]. Was mine! It is mine, Miss Ellie, and all
the money the other fellows lost too. [He shoves his hands into his
pockets and shows his teeth]. I just smoked them out like a hive of
bees. What do you say to that? A bit of shock, eh?

ELLIE. It would have been, this morning. Now! you can't think how little
it matters. But it's quite interesting. Only, you must explain it to me.
I don't understand it. [Propping her elbows on the drawingboard and her
chin on her hands, she composes herself to listen with a combination of
conscious curiosity with unconscious contempt which provokes him to more
and more unpleasantness, and an attempt at patronage of her ignorance].

MANGAN. Of course you don't understand: what do you know about business?
You just listen and learn. Your father's business was a new business;
and I don't start new businesses: I let other fellows start them. They
put all their money and their friends' money into starting them. They
wear out their souls and bodies trying to make a success of them.
They're what you call enthusiasts. But the first dead lift of the thing
is too much for them; and they haven't enough financial experience. In
a year or so they have either to let the whole show go bust, or sell out
to a new lot of fellows for a few deferred ordinary shares: that is, if
they're lucky enough to get anything at all. As likely as not the very
same thing happens to the new lot. They put in more money and a couple
of years' more work; and then perhaps they have to sell out to a third
lot. If it's really a big thing the third lot will have to sell out too,
and leave their work and their money behind them. And that's where the
real business man comes in: where I come in. But I'm cleverer than some:
I don't mind dropping a little money to start the process. I took your
father's measure. I saw that he had a sound idea, and that he would work
himself silly for it if he got the chance. I saw that he was a child
in business, and was dead certain to outrun his expenses and be in too
great a hurry to wait for his market. I knew that the surest way to
ruin a man who doesn't know how to handle money is to give him some. I
explained my idea to some friends in the city, and they found the money;
for I take no risks in ideas, even when they're my own. Your father and
the friends that ventured their money with him were no more to me than
a heap of squeezed lemons. You've been wasting your gratitude: my kind
heart is all rot. I'm sick of it. When I see your father beaming at
me with his moist, grateful eyes, regularly wallowing in gratitude, I
sometimes feel I must tell him the truth or burst. What stops me is that
I know he wouldn't believe me. He'd think it was my modesty, as you did
just now. He'd think anything rather than the truth, which is that he's
a blamed fool, and I am a man that knows how to take care of himself.
[He throws himself back into the big chair with large self approval].
Now what do you think of me, Miss Ellie?

ELLIE [dropping her hands]. How strange! that my mother, who knew
nothing at all about business, should have been quite right about you!
She always said not before papa, of course, but to us children--that you
were just that sort of man.

MANGAN [sitting up, much hurt]. Oh! did she? And yet she'd have let you
marry me.

ELLIE. Well, you see, Mr Mangan, my mother married a very good man--for
whatever you may think of my father as a man of business, he is the soul
of goodness--and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.

MANGAN. Anyhow, you don't want to marry me now, do you?

ELLIE. [very calmly]. Oh, I think so. Why not?

MANGAN. [rising aghast]. Why not!

ELLIE. I don't see why we shouldn't get on very well together.

MANGAN. Well, but look here, you know--[he stops, quite at a loss].

ELLIE. [patiently]. Well?

MANGAN. Well, I thought you were rather particular about people's
characters.

ELLIE. If we women were particular about men's characters, we should
never get married at all, Mr Mangan.

MANGAN. A child like you talking of "we women"! What next! You're not in
earnest?

ELLIE. Yes, I am. Aren't you?

MANGAN. You mean to hold me to it?

ELLIE. Do you wish to back out of it?

MANGAN. Oh, no. Not exactly back out of it.

ELLIE. Well?

He has nothing to say. With a long whispered whistle, he drops into
the wicker chair and stares before him like a beggared gambler. But a
cunning look soon comes into his face. He leans over towards her on his
right elbow, and speaks in a low steady voice.

MANGAN. Suppose I told you I was in love with another woman!

ELLIE [echoing him]. Suppose I told you I was in love with another man!

MANGAN [bouncing angrily out of his chair]. I'm not joking.

ELLIE. Who told you I was?

MANGAN. I tell you I'm serious. You're too young to be serious; but
you'll have to believe me. I want to be near your friend Mrs Hushabye.
I'm in love with her. Now the murder's out.

ELLIE. I want to be near your friend Mr Hushabye. I'm in love with
him. [She rises and adds with a frank air] Now we are in one another's
confidence, we shall be real friends. Thank you for telling me.

MANGAN [almost beside himself]. Do you think I'll be made a convenience
of like this?

ELLIE. Come, Mr Mangan! you made a business convenience of my father.
Well, a woman's business is marriage. Why shouldn't I make a domestic
convenience of you?

MANGAN. Because I don't choose, see? Because I'm not a silly gull like
your father. That's why.

ELLIE [with serene contempt]. You are not good enough to clean my
father's boots, Mr Mangan; and I am paying you a great compliment in
condescending to make a convenience of you, as you call it. Of course
you are free to throw over our engagement if you like; but, if you do,
you'll never enter Hesione's house again: I will take care of that.

MANGAN [gasping]. You little devil, you've done me. [On the point of
collapsing into the big chair again he recovers himself]. Wait a bit,
though: you're not so cute as you think. You can't beat Boss Mangan as
easy as that. Suppose I go straight to Mrs Hushabye and tell her that
you're in love with her husband.

ELLIE. She knows it.

MANGAN. You told her!!!

ELLIE. She told me.

MANGAN [clutching at his bursting temples]. Oh, this is a crazy house.
Or else I'm going clean off my chump. Is she making a swop with you--she
to have your husband and you to have hers?

ELLIE. Well, you don't want us both, do you?

MANGAN [throwing himself into the chair distractedly]. My brain won't
stand it. My head's going to split. Help! Help me to hold it. Quick:
hold it: squeeze it. Save me. [Ellie comes behind his chair; clasps his
head hard for a moment; then begins to draw her hands from his forehead
back to his ears]. Thank you. [Drowsily]. That's very refreshing.
[Waking a little]. Don't you hypnotize me, though. I've seen men made
fools of by hypnotism.

ELLIE [steadily]. Be quiet. I've seen men made fools of without
hypnotism.

MANGAN [humbly]. You don't dislike touching me, I hope. You never
touched me before, I noticed.

ELLIE. Not since you fell in love naturally with a grown-up nice woman,
who will never expect you to make love to her. And I will never expect
him to make love to me.

MANGAN. He may, though.

ELLIE [making her passes rhythmically]. Hush. Go to sleep. Do you hear?
You are to go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep; be quiet, deeply
deeply quiet; sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

He falls asleep. Ellie steals away; turns the light out; and goes into
the garden.

Nurse Guinness opens the door and is seen in the light which comes in
from the hall.

GUINNESS [speaking to someone outside]. Mr Mangan's not here, duckie:
there's no one here. It's all dark.

MRS HUSHABYE [without]. Try the garden. Mr Dunn and I will be in my
boudoir. Show him the way.

GUINNESS. Yes, ducky. [She makes for the garden door in the dark;
stumbles over the sleeping Mangan and screams]. Ahoo! O Lord, Sir! I
beg your pardon, I'm sure: I didn't see you in the dark. Who is it? [She
goes back to the door and turns on the light]. Oh, Mr Mangan, sir, I
hope I haven't hurt you plumping into your lap like that. [Coming to
him]. I was looking for you, sir. Mrs Hushabye says will you please
[noticing that he remains quite insensible]. Oh, my good Lord, I hope
I haven't killed him. Sir! Mr Mangan! Sir! [She shakes him; and he is
rolling inertly off the chair on the floor when she holds him up and
props him against the cushion]. Miss Hessy! Miss Hessy! quick, doty
darling. Miss Hessy! [Mrs Hushabye comes in from the hall, followed by
Mazzini Dunn]. Oh, Miss Hessy, I've been and killed him.

Mazzini runs round the back of the chair to Mangan's right hand, and
sees that the nurse's words are apparently only too true.

MAZZINI. What tempted you to commit such a crime, woman?

MRS HUSHABYE [trying not to laugh]. Do you mean, you did it on purpose?

GUINNESS. Now is it likely I'd kill any man on purpose? I fell over
him in the dark; and I'm a pretty tidy weight. He never spoke nor moved
until I shook him; and then he would have dropped dead on the floor.
Isn't it tiresome?

MRS HUSHABYE [going past the nurse to Mangan's side, and inspecting him
less credulously than Mazzini]. Nonsense! he is not dead: he is only
asleep. I can see him breathing.

GUINNESS. But why won't he wake?

MAZZINI [speaking very politely into Mangan's ear]. Mangan! My dear
Mangan! [he blows into Mangan's ear].

MRS HUSHABYE. That's no good [she shakes him vigorously]. Mr Mangan,
wake up. Do you hear? [He begins to roll over]. Oh! Nurse, nurse: he's
falling: help me.

Nurse Guinness rushes to the rescue. With Mazzini's assistance, Mangan
is propped safely up again.

GUINNESS [behind the chair; bending over to test the case with her
nose]. Would he be drunk, do you think, pet?

MRS HUSHABYE. Had he any of papa's rum?

MAZZINI. It can't be that: he is most abstemious. I am afraid he drank
too much formerly, and has to drink too little now. You know, Mrs
Hushabye, I really think he has been hypnotized.

GUINNESS. Hip no what, sir?

MAZZINI. One evening at home, after we had seen a hypnotizing
performance, the children began playing at it; and Ellie stroked my
head. I assure you I went off dead asleep; and they had to send for a
professional to wake me up after I had slept eighteen hours. They had to
carry me upstairs; and as the poor children were not very strong, they
let me slip; and I rolled right down the whole flight and never woke up.
[Mrs Hushabye splutters]. Oh, you may laugh, Mrs Hushabye; but I might
have been killed.

MRS HUSHABYE. I couldn't have helped laughing even if you had been, Mr
Dunn. So Ellie has hypnotized him. What fun!

MAZZINI. Oh no, no, no. It was such a terrible lesson to her: nothing
would induce her to try such a thing again.

MRS HUSHABYE. Then who did it? I didn't.

MAZZINI. I thought perhaps the captain might have done it
unintentionally. He is so fearfully magnetic: I feel vibrations whenever
he comes close to me.

GUINNESS. The captain will get him out of it anyhow, sir: I'll back him
for that. I'll go fetch him [she makes for the pantry].

MRS HUSHABYE. Wait a bit. [To Mazzini]. You say he is all right for
eighteen hours?

MAZZINI. Well, I was asleep for eighteen hours.

MRS HUSHABYE. Were you any the worse for it?

MAZZINI. I don't quite remember. They had poured brandy down my throat,
you see; and--

MRS HUSHABYE. Quite. Anyhow, you survived. Nurse, darling: go and ask
Miss Dunn to come to us here. Say I want to speak to her particularly.
You will find her with Mr Hushabye probably.

GUINNESS. I think not, ducky: Miss Addy is with him. But I'll find her
and send her to you. [She goes out into the garden].

MRS HUSHABYE [calling Mazzini's attention to the figure on the chair].
Now, Mr Dunn, look. Just look. Look hard. Do you still intend to
sacrifice your daughter to that thing?

MAZZINI [troubled]. You have completely upset me, Mrs Hushabye, by all
you have said to me. That anyone could imagine that I--I, a consecrated
soldier of freedom, if I may say so--could sacrifice Ellie to anybody or
anyone, or that I should ever have dreamed of forcing her inclinations
in any way, is a most painful blow to my--well, I suppose you would say
to my good opinion of myself.

MRS HUSHABYE [rather stolidly]. Sorry.

MAZZINI [looking forlornly at the body]. What is your objection to
poor Mangan, Mrs Hushabye? He looks all right to me. But then I am so
accustomed to him.

MRS HUSHABYE. Have you no heart? Have you no sense? Look at the brute!
Think of poor weak innocent Ellie in the clutches of this slavedriver,
who spends his life making thousands of rough violent workmen bend to
his will and sweat for him: a man accustomed to have great masses of
iron beaten into shape for him by steam-hammers! to fight with women
and girls over a halfpenny an hour ruthlessly! a captain of industry,
I think you call him, don't you? Are you going to fling your delicate,
sweet, helpless child into such a beast's claws just because he will
keep her in an expensive house and make her wear diamonds to show how
rich he is?

MAZZINI [staring at her in wide-eyed amazement]. Bless you, dear Mrs
Hushabye, what romantic ideas of business you have! Poor dear Mangan
isn't a bit like that.

MRS HUSHABYE [scornfully]. Poor dear Mangan indeed!

MAZZINI. But he doesn't know anything about machinery. He never goes
near the men: he couldn't manage them: he is afraid of them. I never can
get him to take the least interest in the works: he hardly knows more
about them than you do. People are cruelly unjust to Mangan: they think
he is all rugged strength just because his manners are bad.

MRS HUSHABYE. Do you mean to tell me he isn't strong enough to crush
poor little Ellie?

MAZZINI. Of course it's very hard to say how any marriage will turn out;
but speaking for myself, I should say that he won't have a dog's chance
against Ellie. You know, Ellie has remarkable strength of character. I
think it is because I taught her to like Shakespeare when she was very
young.

MRS HUSHABYE [contemptuously]. Shakespeare! The next thing you will tell
me is that you could have made a great deal more money than Mangan. [She
retires to the sofa, and sits down at the port end of it in the worst of
humors].

MAZZINI [following her and taking the other end]. No: I'm no good at
making money. I don't care enough for it, somehow. I'm not ambitious!
that must be it. Mangan is wonderful about money: he thinks of nothing
else. He is so dreadfully afraid of being poor. I am always thinking of
other things: even at the works I think of the things we are doing and
not of what they cost. And the worst of it is, poor Mangan doesn't know
what to do with his money when he gets it. He is such a baby that he
doesn't know even what to eat and drink: he has ruined his liver eating
and drinking the wrong things; and now he can hardly eat at all. Ellie
will diet him splendidly. You will be surprised when you come to know
him better: he is really the most helpless of mortals. You get quite a
protective feeling towards him.

MRS HUSHABYE. Then who manages his business, pray?

MAZZINI. I do. And of course other people like me.

MRS HUSHABYE. Footling people, you mean.

MAZZINI. I suppose you'd think us so.

MRS HUSHABYE. And pray why don't you do without him if you're all so
much cleverer?

MAZZINI. Oh, we couldn't: we should ruin the business in a year. I've
tried; and I know. We should spend too much on everything. We should
improve the quality of the goods and make them too dear. We should be
sentimental about the hard cases among the work people. But Mangan keeps
us in order. He is down on us about every extra halfpenny. We could
never do without him. You see, he will sit up all night thinking of how
to save sixpence. Won't Ellie make him jump, though, when she takes his
house in hand!

MRS HUSHABYE. Then the creature is a fraud even as a captain of
industry!

MAZZINI. I am afraid all the captains of industry are what you call
frauds, Mrs Hushabye. Of course there are some manufacturers who really
do understand their own works; but they don't make as high a rate of
profit as Mangan does. I assure you Mangan is quite a good fellow in his
way. He means well.

MRS HUSHABYE. He doesn't look well. He is not in his first youth, is he?

MAZZINI. After all, no husband is in his first youth for very long, Mrs
Hushabye. And men can't afford to marry in their first youth nowadays.

MRS HUSHABYE. Now if I said that, it would sound witty. Why can't you
say it wittily? What on earth is the matter with you? Why don't you
inspire everybody with confidence? with respect?

MAZZINI [humbly]. I think that what is the matter with me is that I am
poor. You don't know what that means at home. Mind: I don't say they
have ever complained. They've all been wonderful: they've been proud of
my poverty. They've even joked about it quite often. But my wife has had
a very poor time of it. She has been quite resigned--

MRS HUSHABYE [shuddering involuntarily!]

MAZZINI. There! You see, Mrs Hushabye. I don't want Ellie to live on
resignation.

MRS HUSHABYE. Do you want her to have to resign herself to living with a
man she doesn't love?

MAZZINI [wistfully]. Are you sure that would be worse than living with a
man she did love, if he was a footling person?

MRS HUSHABYE [relaxing her contemptuous attitude, quite interested in
Mazzini now]. You know, I really think you must love Ellie very much;
for you become quite clever when you talk about her.

MAZZINI. I didn't know I was so very stupid on other subjects.

MRS HUSHABYE. You are, sometimes.

MAZZINI [turning his head away; for his eyes are wet]. I have learnt a
good deal about myself from you, Mrs Hushabye; and I'm afraid I shall
not be the happier for your plain speaking. But if you thought I needed
it to make me think of Ellie's happiness you were very much mistaken.

MRS HUSHABYE [leaning towards him kindly]. Have I been a beast?

MAZZINI [pulling himself together]. It doesn't matter about me, Mrs
Hushabye. I think you like Ellie; and that is enough for me.

MRS HUSHABYE. I'm beginning to like you a little. I perfectly loathed
you at first. I thought you the most odious, self-satisfied, boresome
elderly prig I ever met.

MAZZINI [resigned, and now quite cheerful]. I daresay I am all that.
I never have been a favorite with gorgeous women like you. They always
frighten me.

MRS HUSHABYE [pleased]. Am I a gorgeous woman, Mazzini? I shall fall in
love with you presently.

MAZZINI [with placid gallantry]. No, you won't, Hesione. But you would
be quite safe. Would you believe it that quite a lot of women have
flirted with me because I am quite safe? But they get tired of me for
the same reason.

MRS HUSHABYE [mischievously]. Take care. You may not be so safe as you
think.

MAZZINI. Oh yes, quite safe. You see, I have been in love really: the
sort of love that only happens once. [Softly]. That's why Ellie is such
a lovely girl.

MRS HUSHABYE. Well, really, you are coming out. Are you quite sure you
won't let me tempt you into a second grand passion?

MAZZINI. Quite. It wouldn't be natural. The fact is, you don't strike on
my box, Mrs Hushabye; and I certainly don't strike on yours.

MRS HUSHABYE. I see. Your marriage was a safety match.

MAZZINI. What a very witty application of the expression I used! I
should never have thought of it.

Ellie comes in from the garden, looking anything but happy.

MRS HUSHABYE [rising]. Oh! here is Ellie at last. [She goes behind the
sofa].

ELLIE [on the threshold of the starboard door]. Guinness said you wanted
me: you and papa.

MRS HUSHABYE. You have kept us waiting so long that it almost came
to--well, never mind. Your father is a very wonderful man [she ruffles
his hair affectionately]: the only one I ever met who could resist me
when I made myself really agreeable. [She comes to the big chair, on
Mangan's left]. Come here. I have something to show you. [Ellie strolls
listlessly to the other side of the chair]. Look.

ELLIE [contemplating Mangan without interest]. I know. He is only
asleep. We had a talk after dinner; and he fell asleep in the middle of
it.

MRS HUSHABYE. You did it, Ellie. You put him asleep.

MAZZINI [rising quickly and coming to the back of the chair]. Oh, I hope
not. Did you, Ellie?

ELLIE [wearily]. He asked me to.

MAZZINI. But it's dangerous. You know what happened to me.

ELLIE [utterly indifferent]. Oh, I daresay I can wake him. If not,
somebody else can.

MRS HUSHABYE. It doesn't matter, anyhow, because I have at last
persuaded your father that you don't want to marry him.

ELLIE [suddenly coming out of her listlessness, much vexed]. But why did
you do that, Hesione? I do want to marry him. I fully intend to marry
him.

MAZZINI. Are you quite sure, Ellie? Mrs Hushabye has made me feel that I
may have been thoughtless and selfish about it.

ELLIE [very clearly and steadily]. Papa. When Mrs. Hushabye takes it on
herself to explain to you what I think or don't think, shut your ears
tight; and shut your eyes too. Hesione knows nothing about me: she
hasn't the least notion of the sort of person I am, and never will. I
promise you I won't do anything I don't want to do and mean to do for my
own sake.

MAZZINI. You are quite, quite sure?

ELLIE. Quite, quite sure. Now you must go away and leave me to talk to
Mrs Hushabye.

MAZZINI. But I should like to hear. Shall I be in the way?

ELLIE [inexorable]. I had rather talk to her alone.

MAZZINI [affectionately]. Oh, well, I know what a nuisance parents are,
dear. I will be good and go. [He goes to the garden door]. By the way,
do you remember the address of that professional who woke me up? Don't
you think I had better telegraph to him?

MRS HUSHABYE [moving towards the sofa]. It's too late to telegraph
tonight.

MAZZINI. I suppose so. I do hope he'll wake up in the course of the
night. [He goes out into the garden].

ELLIE [turning vigorously on Hesione the moment her father is out of the
room]. Hesione, what the devil do you mean by making mischief with my
father about Mangan?

MRS HUSHABYE [promptly losing her temper]. Don't you dare speak to me
like that, you little minx. Remember that you are in my house.

ELLIE. Stuff! Why don't you mind your own business? What is it to you
whether I choose to marry Mangan or not?

MRS HUSHABYE. Do you suppose you can bully me, you miserable little
matrimonial adventurer?

ELLIE. Every woman who hasn't any money is a matrimonial adventurer.
It's easy for you to talk: you have never known what it is to want
money; and you can pick up men as if they were daisies. I am poor and
respectable--

MRS HUSHABYE [interrupting]. Ho! respectable! How did you pick up
Mangan? How did you pick up my husband? You have the audacity to tell me
that I am a--a--a--

ELLIE. A siren. So you are. You were born to lead men by the nose: if
you weren't, Marcus would have waited for me, perhaps.

MRS HUSHABYE [suddenly melting and half laughing]. Oh, my poor Ellie, my
pettikins, my unhappy darling! I am so sorry about Hector. But what can
I do? It's not my fault: I'd give him to you if I could.

ELLIE. I don't blame you for that.

MRS HUSHABYE. What a brute I was to quarrel with you and call you names!
Do kiss me and say you're not angry with me.

ELLIE [fiercely]. Oh, don't slop and gush and be sentimental. Don't you
see that unless I can be hard--as hard as nails--I shall go mad? I don't
care a damn about your calling me names: do you think a woman in my
situation can feel a few hard words?

MRS HUSHABYE. Poor little woman! Poor little situation!

ELLIE. I suppose you think you're being sympathetic. You are just
foolish and stupid and selfish. You see me getting a smasher right in
the face that kills a whole part of my life: the best part that can
never come again; and you think you can help me over it by a little
coaxing and kissing. When I want all the strength I can get to lean on:
something iron, something stony, I don't care how cruel it is, you
go all mushy and want to slobber over me. I'm not angry; I'm not
unfriendly; but for God's sake do pull yourself together; and don't
think that because you're on velvet and always have been, women who are
in hell can take it as easily as you.

MRS HUSHABYE [shrugging her shoulders]. Very well. [She sits down on the
sofa in her old place.] But I warn you that when I am neither coaxing and
kissing nor laughing, I am just wondering how much longer I can stand
living in this cruel, damnable world. You object to the siren: well,
I drop the siren. You want to rest your wounded bosom against a
grindstone. Well [folding her arms] here is the grindstone.

ELLIE [sitting down beside her, appeased]. That's better: you really
have the trick of falling in with everyone's mood; but you don't
understand, because you are not the sort of woman for whom there is only
one man and only one chance.

MRS HUSHABYE. I certainly don't understand how your marrying that object
[indicating Mangan] will console you for not being able to marry Hector.

ELLIE. Perhaps you don't understand why I was quite a nice girl this
morning, and am now neither a girl nor particularly nice.

MRS HUSHABYE. Oh, yes, I do. It's because you have made up your mind to
do something despicable and wicked.

ELLIE. I don't think so, Hesione. I must make the best of my ruined
house.

MRS HUSHABYE. Pooh! You'll get over it. Your house isn't ruined.

ELLIE. Of course I shall get over it. You don't suppose I'm going to sit
down and die of a broken heart, I hope, or be an old maid living on a
pittance from the Sick and Indigent Roomkeepers' Association. But my
heart is broken, all the same. What I mean by that is that I know that
what has happened to me with Marcus will not happen to me ever again. In
the world for me there is Marcus and a lot of other men of whom one is
just the same as another. Well, if I can't have love, that's no reason
why I should have poverty. If Mangan has nothing else, he has money.

MRS HUSHABYE. And are there no YOUNG men with money?

ELLIE. Not within my reach. Besides, a young man would have the right
to expect love from me, and would perhaps leave me when he found I could
not give it to him. Rich young men can get rid of their wives, you know,
pretty cheaply. But this object, as you call him, can expect nothing
more from me than I am prepared to give him.

MRS HUSHABYE. He will be your owner, remember. If he buys you, he will
make the bargain pay him and not you. Ask your father.

ELLIE [rising and strolling to the chair to contemplate their subject].
You need not trouble on that score, Hesione. I have more to give Boss
Mangan than he has to give me: it is I who am buying him, and at a
pretty good price too, I think. Women are better at that sort of bargain
than men. I have taken the Boss's measure; and ten Boss Mangans shall
not prevent me doing far more as I please as his wife than I have ever
been able to do as a poor girl. [Stooping to the recumbent figure].
Shall they, Boss? I think not. [She passes on to the drawing-table, and
leans against the end of it, facing the windows]. I shall not have to
spend most of my time wondering how long my gloves will last, anyhow.

MRS HUSHABYE [rising superbly]. Ellie, you are a wicked, sordid little
beast. And to think that I actually condescended to fascinate that
creature there to save you from him! Well, let me tell you this: if you
make this disgusting match, you will never see Hector again if I can
help it.

ELLIE [unmoved]. I nailed Mangan by telling him that if he did not marry
me he should never see you again [she lifts herself on her wrists and
seats herself on the end of the table].

MRS HUSHABYE [recoiling]. Oh!

ELLIE. So you see I am not unprepared for your playing that trump
against me. Well, you just try it: that's all. I should have made a man
of Marcus, not a household pet.

MRS HUSHABYE [flaming]. You dare!

ELLIE [looking almost dangerous]. Set him thinking about me if you dare.

MRS HUSHABYE. Well, of all the impudent little fiends I ever met! Hector
says there is a certain point at which the only answer you can give to a
man who breaks all the rules is to knock him down. What would you say if
I were to box your ears?

ELLIE [calmly]. I should pull your hair.

MRS HUSHABYE [mischievously]. That wouldn't hurt me. Perhaps it comes
off at night.

ELLIE [so taken aback that she drops off the table and runs to her]. Oh,
you don't mean to say, Hesione, that your beautiful black hair is false?

MRS HUSHABYE [patting it]. Don't tell Hector. He believes in it.

ELLIE [groaning]. Oh! Even the hair that ensnared him false! Everything
false!

MRS HUSHABYE. Pull it and try. Other women can snare men in their hair;
but I can swing a baby on mine. Aha! you can't do that, Goldylocks.

ELLIE [heartbroken]. No. You have stolen my babies.

MRS HUSHABYE. Pettikins, don't make me cry. You know what you said about
my making a household pet of him is a little true. Perhaps he ought to
have waited for you. Would any other woman on earth forgive you?

ELLIE. Oh, what right had you to take him all for yourself! [Pulling
herself together]. There! You couldn't help it: neither of us could help
it. He couldn't help it. No, don't say anything more: I can't bear it.
Let us wake the object. [She begins stroking Mangan's head, reversing
the movement with which she put him to sleep]. Wake up, do you hear? You
are to wake up at once. Wake up, wake up, wake--

MANGAN [bouncing out of the chair in a fury and turning on them]. Wake
up! So you think I've been asleep, do you? [He kicks the chair violently
back out of his way, and gets between them]. You throw me into a trance
so that I can't move hand or foot--I might have been buried alive! it's
a mercy I wasn't--and then you think I was only asleep. If you'd let
me drop the two times you rolled me about, my nose would have been
flattened for life against the floor. But I've found you all out,
anyhow. I know the sort of people I'm among now. I've heard every word
you've said, you and your precious father, and [to Mrs Hushabye] you
too. So I'm an object, am I? I'm a thing, am I? I'm a fool that hasn't
sense enough to feed myself properly, am I? I'm afraid of the men that
would starve if it weren't for the wages I give them, am I? I'm nothing
but a disgusting old skinflint to be made a convenience of by designing
women and fool managers of my works, am I? I'm--

MRS HUSHABYE [with the most elegant aplomb]. Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh! Mr Mangan,
you are bound in honor to obliterate from your mind all you heard while
you were pretending to be asleep. It was not meant for you to hear.

MANGAN. Pretending to be asleep! Do you think if I was only pretending
that I'd have sprawled there helpless, and listened to such unfairness,
such lies, such injustice and plotting and backbiting and slandering of
me, if I could have up and told you what I thought of you! I wonder I
didn't burst.

MRS HUSHABYE [sweetly]. You dreamt it all, Mr Mangan. We were only
saying how beautifully peaceful you looked in your sleep. That was all,
wasn't it, Ellie? Believe me, Mr Mangan, all those unpleasant things
came into your mind in the last half second before you woke. Ellie
rubbed your hair the wrong way; and the disagreeable sensation suggested
a disagreeable dream.

MANGAN [doggedly]. I believe in dreams.

MRS HUSHABYE. So do I. But they go by contraries, don't they?

MANGAN [depths of emotion suddenly welling up in him]. I shan't forget,
to my dying day, that when you gave me the glad eye that time in the
garden, you were making a fool of me. That was a dirty low mean thing
to do. You had no right to let me come near you if I disgusted you.
It isn't my fault if I'm old and haven't a moustache like a bronze
candlestick as your husband has. There are things no decent woman would
do to a man--like a man hitting a woman in the breast.

Hesione, utterly shamed, sits down on the sofa and covers her face with
her hands. Mangan sits down also on his chair and begins to cry like a
child. Ellie stares at them. Mrs Hushabye, at the distressing sound he
makes, takes down her hands and looks at him. She rises and runs to him.

MRS HUSHABYE. Don't cry: I can't bear it. Have I broken your heart? I
didn't know you had one. How could I?

MANGAN. I'm a man, ain't I?

MRS HUSHABYE [half coaxing, half rallying, altogether tenderly]. Oh no:
not what I call a man. Only a Boss: just that and nothing else. What
business has a Boss with a heart?

MANGAN. Then you're not a bit sorry for what you did, nor ashamed?

MRS HUSHABYE. I was ashamed for the first time in my life when you said
that about hitting a woman in the breast, and I found out what I'd done.
My very bones blushed red. You've had your revenge, Boss. Aren't you
satisfied?

MANGAN. Serve you right! Do you hear? Serve you right! You're just
cruel. Cruel.

MRS HUSHABYE. Yes: cruelty would be delicious if one could only find
some sort of cruelty that didn't really hurt. By the way [sitting down
beside him on the arm of the chair], what's your name? It's not really
Boss, is it?

MANGAN [shortly]. If you want to know, my name's Alfred.

MRS HUSHABYE [springs up]. Alfred!! Ellie, he was christened after
Tennyson!!!

MANGAN [rising]. I was christened after my uncle, and never had a penny
from him, damn him! What of it?

MRS HUSHABYE. It comes to me suddenly that you are a real person: that
you had a mother, like anyone else. [Putting her hands on his shoulders
and surveying him]. Little Alf!

MANGAN. Well, you have a nerve.

MRS HUSHABYE. And you have a heart, Alfy, a whimpering little heart, but
a real one. [Releasing him suddenly]. Now run and make it up with Ellie.
She has had time to think what to say to you, which is more than I had
[she goes out quickly into the garden by the port door].

MANGAN. That woman has a pair of hands that go right through you.

ELLIE. Still in love with her, in spite of all we said about you?

MANGAN. Are all women like you two? Do they never think of anything
about a man except what they can get out of him? You weren't even
thinking that about me. You were only thinking whether your gloves would
last.

ELLIE. I shall not have to think about that when we are married.

MANGAN. And you think I am going to marry you after what I heard there!

ELLIE. You heard nothing from me that I did not tell you before.

MANGAN. Perhaps you think I can't do without you.

ELLIE. I think you would feel lonely without us all, now, after coming
to know us so well.

MANGAN [with something like a yell of despair]. Am I never to have the
last word?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [appearing at the starboard garden door]. There is a
soul in torment here. What is the matter?

MANGAN. This girl doesn't want to spend her life wondering how long her
gloves will last.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [passing through]. Don't wear any. I never do [he goes
into the pantry].

LADY UTTERWORD [appearing at the port garden door, in a handsome dinner
dress]. Is anything the matter?

ELLIE. This gentleman wants to know is he never to have the last word?

LADY UTTERWORD [coming forward to the sofa]. I should let him have it,
my dear. The important thing is not to have the last word, but to have
your own way.

MANGAN. She wants both.

LADY UTTERWORD. She won't get them, Mr Mangan. Providence always has the
last word.

MANGAN [desperately]. Now you are going to come religion over me. In
this house a man's mind might as well be a football. I'm going. [He
makes for the hall, but is stopped by a hail from the Captain, who has
just emerged from his pantry].

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Whither away, Boss Mangan?

MANGAN. To hell out of this house: let that be enough for you and all
here.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. You were welcome to come: you are free to go. The wide
earth, the high seas, the spacious skies are waiting for you outside.

LADY UTTERWORD. But your things, Mr Mangan. Your bag, your comb and
brushes, your pyjamas--

HECTOR [who has just appeared in the port doorway in a handsome Arab
costume]. Why should the escaping slave take his chains with him?

MANGAN. That's right, Hushabye. Keep the pyjamas, my lady, and much good
may they do you.

HECTOR [advancing to Lady Utterword's left hand]. Let us all go out into
the night and leave everything behind us.

MANGAN. You stay where you are, the lot of you. I want no company,
especially female company.

ELLIE. Let him go. He is unhappy here. He is angry with us.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER. Go, Boss Mangan; and when you have found the land
where there is happiness and where there are no women, send me its
latitude and longitude; and I will join you there.

LADY UTTERWORD. You will certainly not be comfortable without your
luggage, Mr Mangan.

ELLIE [impatient]. Go, go: why don't you go? It is a heavenly night: you
can sleep on the heath. Take my waterproof to lie on: it is hanging up
in the hall.

HECTOR. Breakfast at nine, unless you prefer to breakfast with the
captain at six.

ELLIE. Good night, Alfred.

HECTOR. Alfred! [He runs back to the door and calls into the garden].
Randall, Mangan's Christian name is Alfred.

RANDALL [appearing in the starboard doorway in evening dress]. Then
Hesione wins her bet.

Mrs Hushabye appears in the port doorway. She throws her left arm round
Hector's neck: draws him with her to the back of the sofa: and throws
her right arm round Lady Utterword's neck.

MRS HUSHABYE. They wouldn't believe me, Alf.

They contemplate him.

MANGAN. Is there any more of you coming in to look at me, as if I was
the latest thing in a menagerie?

MRS HUSHABYE. You are the latest thing in this menagerie.

Before Mangan can retort, a fall of furniture is heard from upstairs:
then a pistol shot, and a yell of pain. The staring group breaks up in
consternation.

MAZZINI'S VOICE [from above]. Help! A burglar! Help!

HECTOR [his eyes blazing]. A burglar!!!

MRS HUSHABYE. No, Hector: you'll be shot [but it is too late; he has
dashed out past Mangan, who hastily moves towards the bookshelves out of
his way].

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [blowing his whistle]. All hands aloft! [He strides out
after Hector].

LADY UTTERWORD. My diamonds! [She follows the captain].

RANDALL [rushing after her]. No. Ariadne. Let me.

ELLIE. Oh, is papa shot? [She runs out].

MRS HUSHABYE. Are you frightened, Alf?

MANGAN. No. It ain't my house, thank God.

MRS HUSHABYE. If they catch a burglar, shall we have to go into court as
witnesses, and be asked all sorts of questions about our private lives?

MANGAN. You won't be believed if you tell the truth.

Mazzini, terribly upset, with a duelling pistol in his hand, comes from
the hall, and makes his way to the drawing-table.

MAZZINI. Oh, my dear Mrs Hushabye, I might have killed him. [He throws
the pistol on the table and staggers round to the chair]. I hope you
won't believe I really intended to.

Hector comes in, marching an old and villainous looking man before him
by the collar. He plants him in the middle of the room and releases him.

Ellie follows, and immediately runs across to the back of her father's
chair and pats his shoulders.

RANDALL [entering with a poker]. Keep your eye on this door, Mangan.
I'll look after the other [he goes to the starboard door and stands on
guard there].

Lady Utterword comes in after Randall, and goes between Mrs Hushabye and
Mangan.

Nurse Guinness brings up the rear, and waits near the door, on Mangan's
left.

MRS HUSHABYE. What has happened?

MAZZINI. Your housekeeper told me there was somebody upstairs, and gave
me a pistol that Mr Hushabye had been practising with. I thought it
would frighten him; but it went off at a touch.

THE BURGLAR. Yes, and took the skin off my ear. Precious near took the
top off my head. Why don't you have a proper revolver instead of a thing
like that, that goes off if you as much as blow on it?

HECTOR. One of my duelling pistols. Sorry.

MAZZINI. He put his hands up and said it was a fair cop.

THE BURGLAR. So it was. Send for the police.

HECTOR. No, by thunder! It was not a fair cop. We were four to one.

MRS HUSHABYE. What will they do to him?

THE BURGLAR. Ten years. Beginning with solitary. Ten years off my life.
I shan't serve it all: I'm too old. It will see me out.

LADY UTTERWORD. You should have thought of that before you stole my
diamonds.

THE BURGLAR. Well, you've got them back, lady, haven't you? Can you give
me back the years of my life you are going to take from me?

MRS HUSHABYE. Oh, we can't bury a man alive for ten years for a few
diamonds.

THE BURGLAR. Ten little shining diamonds! Ten long black years!

LADY UTTERWORD. Think of what it is for us to be dragged through the
horrors of a criminal court, and have all our family affairs in the
papers! If you were a native, and Hastings could order you a good
beating and send you away, I shouldn't mind; but here in England there
is no real protection for any respectable person.

THE BURGLAR. I'm too old to be giv a hiding, lady. Send for the police
and have done with it. It's only just and right you should.

RANDALL [who has relaxed his vigilance on seeing the burglar so
pacifically disposed, and comes forward swinging the poker between his
fingers like a well folded umbrella]. It is neither just nor right
that we should be put to a lot of inconvenience to gratify your moral
enthusiasm, my friend. You had better get out, while you have the
chance.

THE BURGLAR [inexorably]. No. I must work my sin off my conscience.
This has come as a sort of call to me. Let me spend the rest of my life
repenting in a cell. I shall have my reward above.

MANGAN [exasperated]. The very burglars can't behave naturally in this
house.

HECTOR. My good sir, you must work out your salvation at somebody else's
expense. Nobody here is going to charge you.

THE BURGLAR. Oh, you won't charge me, won't you?

HECTOR. No. I'm sorry to be inhospitable; but will you kindly leave the
house?

THE BURGLAR. Right. I'll go to the police station and give myself up.
[He turns resolutely to the door: but Hector stops him].

HECTOR.                      { Oh, no. You mustn't do that.

RANDALL. [speaking together] { No no. Clear out man, can't you; and
                               don't be a fool.

MRS. HUSHABYE                { Don't be so silly. Can't you repent at
                               home?

LADY UTTERWORD. You will have to do as you are told.

THE BURGLAR. It's compounding a felony, you know.

MRS HUSHABYE. This is utterly ridiculous. Are we to be forced to
prosecute this man when we don't want to?

THE BURGLAR. Am I to be robbed of my salvation to save you the trouble
of spending a day at the sessions? Is that justice? Is it right? Is it
fair to me?

MAZZINI [rising and leaning across the table persuasively as if it were
a pulpit desk or a shop counter]. Come, come! let me show you how you
can turn your very crimes to account. Why not set up as a locksmith? You
must know more about locks than most honest men?

THE BURGLAR. That's true, sir. But I couldn't set up as a locksmith
under twenty pounds.

RANDALL. Well, you can easily steal twenty pounds. You will find it in
the nearest bank.

THE BURGLAR [horrified]. Oh, what a thing for a gentleman to put into
the head of a poor criminal scrambling out of the bottomless pit as it
were! Oh, shame on you, sir! Oh, God forgive you! [He throws himself
into the big chair and covers his face as if in prayer].

LADY UTTERWORD. Really, Randall!

HECTOR. It seems to me that we shall have to take up a collection for
this inopportunely contrite sinner.

LADY UTTERWORD. But twenty pounds is ridiculous.

THE BURGLAR [looking up quickly]. I shall have to buy a lot of tools,
lady.

LADY UTTERWORD. Nonsense: you have your burgling kit.

THE BURGLAR. What's a jimmy and a centrebit and an acetylene welding
plant and a bunch of skeleton keys? I shall want a forge, and a smithy,
and a shop, and fittings. I can't hardly do it for twenty.

HECTOR. My worthy friend, we haven't got twenty pounds.

THE BURGLAR [now master of the situation]. You can raise it among you,
can't you?

MRS HUSHABYE. Give him a sovereign, Hector, and get rid of him.

HECTOR [giving him a pound]. There! Off with you.

THE BURGLAR [rising and taking the money very ungratefully]. I won't
promise nothing. You have more on you than a quid: all the lot of you, I
mean.