St John Hotchkiss comes into the tower ushered by Collins. He is
a very smart young gentleman of twenty-nine or thereabouts,
correct in dress to the last thread of his collar, but too much
preoccupied with his ideas to be embarrassed by any concern as to
his appearance. He talks about himself with energetic gaiety. He
talks to other people with a sweet forbearance (implying a kindly
consideration for their stupidity) which infuriates those whom he
does not succeed in amusing. They either lose their tempers with
him or try in vain to snub him.
COLLINS [announcing] Mr Hotchkiss. [He withdraws].
HOTCHKISS [clapping Reginald gaily on the shoulder as he passes
him] Tootle loo, Rejjy.
REGINALD [curtly, without rising or turning his head] Morning.
HOTCHKISS. Good morning, Bishop.
THE BISHOP [coming off the table]. What on earth are you doing
here, Sinjon? You belong to the bridegroom's party: youve no
business here until after the ceremony.
HOTCHKISS. Yes, I know: thats just it. May I have a word with you
in private? Rejjy or any of the family wont matter; but--[he
glances at the General, who has risen rather stiffly, as he
strongly disapproves of the part played by Hotchkiss in
Reginald's domestic affairs].
THE BISHOP. All right, Sinjon. This is our brother, General
Bridgenorth. [He goes to the hearth and posts himself there, with
his hands clasped behind him].
HOTCHKISS. Oh, good! [He turns to the General, and takes out a
card-case]. As you are in the service, allow me to introduce
myself. Read my card, please. [He presents his card to the
astonished General].
THE GENERAL [reading] "Mr St John Hotchkiss, the Celebrated
Coward, late Lieutenant in the 165th Fusiliers."
REGINALD [with a chuckle] He was sent back from South Africa
because he funked an order to attack, and spoiled his commanding
officer's plan.
THE GENERAL [very gravely] I remember the case now. I had
forgotten the name. I'll not refuse your acquaintance, Mr
Hotchkiss; partly because youre my brother's guest, and partly
because Ive seen too much active service not to know that every
man's nerve plays him false at one time or another, and that some
very honorable men should never go into action at all, because
theyre not built that way. But if I were you I should not use
that visiting card. No doubt it's an honorable trait in your
character that you dont wish any man to give you his hand in
ignorance of your disgrace; but you had better allow us to
forget. We wish to forget. It isnt your disgrace alone: it's a
disgrace to the army and to all of us. Pardon my plain speaking.
HOTCHKISS [sunnily] My dear General, I dont know what fear means
in the military sense of the word. Ive fought seven duels with
the sabre in Italy and Austria, and one with pistols in France,
without turning a hair. There was no other way in which I could
vindicate my motives in refusing to make that attack at
Smutsfontein. I dont pretend to be a brave man. I'm afraid of
wasps. I'm afraid of cats. In spite of the voice of reason, I'm
afraid of ghosts; and twice Ive fled across Europe from false
alarms of cholera. But afraid to fight I am not. [He turns gaily
to Reginald and slaps him on the shoulder]. Eh, Rejjy? [Reginald
grunts].
THE GENERAL. Then why did you not do your duty at Smutsfontein?
HOTCHKISS. I did my duty--my higher duty. If I had made that
attack, my commanding officer's plan would have been successful,
and he would have been promoted. Now I happen to think that the
British Army should be commanded by gentlemen, and by gentlemen
alone. This man was not a gentleman. I sacrificed my military
career--I faced disgrace and social ostracism rather than give
that man his chance.
THE GENERAL [generously indignant] Your commanding officer, sir,
was my friend Major Billiter.
HOTCHKISS. Precisely. What a name!
THE GENERAL. And pray, sir, on what ground do you dare allege
that Major Billiter is not a gentleman?
HOTCHKISS. By an infallible sign: one of those trifles that stamp
a man. He eats rice pudding with a spoon.
THE GENERAL [very angry] Confound you, _I_ eat rice pudding with
a spoon. Now!
HOTCHKISS. Oh, so do I, frequently. But there are ways of doing
these things. Billiter's way was unmistakable.
THE GENERAL. Well, I'll tell you something now. When I thought
you were only a coward, I pitied you, and would have done what I
could to help you back to your place in Society--
HOTCHKISS [interrupting him] Thank you: I havnt lost it. My
motives have been fully appreciated. I was made an honorary
member of two of the smartest clubs in London when the truth came
out.
THE GENERAL. Well, sir, those clubs consist of snobs; and you are
a jumping, bounding, prancing, snorting snob yourself.
THE BISHOP [amused, but hospitably remonstrant] My dear Boxer!
HOTCHKISS [delighted] How kind of you to say so, General! Youre
quite right: I am a snob. Why not? The whole strength of England
lies in the fact that the enormous majority of the English people
are snobs. They insult poverty. They despise vulgarity. They love
nobility. They admire exclusiveness. They will not obey a man
risen from the ranks. They never trust one of their own class. I
agree with them. I share their instincts. In my undergraduate
days I was a Republican-a Socialist. I tried hard to feel toward
a common man as I do towards a duke. I couldnt. Neither can you.
Well, why should we be ashamed of this aspiration towards what is
above us? Why dont I say that an honest man's the noblest work of
God? Because I dont think so. If he's not a gentleman, I dont
care whether he's honest or not: I shouldnt let his son marry my
daughter. And thats the test, mind. Thats the test. You feel as I
do. You are a snob in fact: I am a snob, not only in fact, but on
principle. I shall go down in history, not as the first snob, but
as the first avowed champion of English snobbery, and its first
martyr in the army. The navy boasts two such martyrs in Captains
Kirby and Wade, who were shot for refusing to fight under Admiral
Benbow, a promoted cabin boy. I have always envied them their
glory.
THE GENERAL. As a British General, Sir, I have to inform you that
if any officer under my command violated the sacred equality of
our profession by putting a single jot of his duty or his risk on
the shoulders of the humblest drummer boy, I'd shoot him with my
own hand.
HOTCHKISS. That sentiment is not your equality, General, but your
superiority. Ask the Bishop. [He seats himself on the edge of the
table].
THE BISHOP. I cant support you, Sinjon. My profession also
compels me to turn my back on snobbery. You see, I have to do
such a terribly democratic thing to every child that is brought
to me. Without distinction of class I have to confer on it a rank
so high and awful that all the grades in Debrett and Burke seem
like the medals they give children in Infant Schools in
comparison. I'm not allowed to make any class distinction. They
are all soldiers and servants, not officers and masters.
HOTCHKISS. Ah, youre quoting the Baptism service. Thats not a bit
real, you know. If I may say so, you would both feel so much more
at peace with yourselves if you would acknowledge and confess
your real convictions. You know you dont really think a Bishop
the equal of a curate, or a lieutenant in a line regiment the
equal of a general.
THE BISHOP. Of course I do. I was a curate myself.
THE GENERAL. And I was a lieutenant in a line regiment.
REGINALD. And I was nothing. But we're all our own and one
another's equals, arnt we? So perhaps when youve quite done
talking about yourselves, we shall get to whatever business
Sinjon came about.
HOTCHKISS [coming off the table hastily] my dear fellow. I beg a
thousand pardons. Oh! true, It's about the wedding?
THE GENERAL. What about the wedding?
HOTCHKISS. Well, we cant get our man up to the scratch. Cecil has
locked himself in his room and wont see or speak to any one. I
went up to his room and banged at the door. I told him I should
look through the keyhole if he didnt answer. I looked through the
keyhole. He was sitting on his bed, reading a book. [Reginald
rises in consternation. The General recoils]. I told him not to
be an ass, and so forth. He said he was not going to budge until
he had finished the book. I asked him did he know what time it
was, and whether he happened to recollect that he had a rather
important appointment to marry Edith. He said the sooner I
stopped interrupting him, the sooner he'd be ready. Then he
stuffed his fingers in his ears; turned over on his elbows; and
buried himself in his beastly book. I couldnt get another word
out of him; so I thought I'd better come here and warn you.
REGINALD. This looks to me like theyve arranged it between them.
THE BISHOP. No. Edith has no sense of humor. And Ive never seen a
man in a jocular mood on his wedding morning.
Collins appears in the tower, ushering in the bridegroom, a young
gentleman with good looks of the serious kind, somewhat careworn
by an exacting conscience, and just now distracted by insoluble
problems of conduct.
COLLINS [announcing] Mr Cecil Sykes. [He retires].
HOTCHKISS. Look here, Cecil: this is all wrong. Youve no business
here until after the wedding. Hang it, man! youre the bridegroom.
SYKES [coming to the Bishop, and addressing him with dogged
desperation] Ive come here to say this. When I proposed to Edith
I was in utter ignorance of what I was letting myself in for
legally. Having given my word, I will stand to it. You have me at
your mercy: marry me if you insist. But take notice that I
protest. [He sits down distractedly in the railed chair].
THE GENERAL {both } What the devil do you mean by
{highly } This? What the--
REGINALD {incensed} Confound your impertinence,
what do you--
HOTCHKISS { } Easy, Rejjy. Easy, old man. Steady, steady.
{ } [Reginald subsides into his chair. Hotchkiss
{ } sits on his right, appeasing him.]
THE BISHOP { } No, please, Rej. Control yourself, Boxer, I
beg you.
THE GENERAL. I tell you I cant control myself. Ive been
controlling myself for the last half-hour until I feel like
bursting. [He sits down furiously at the end of the table next
the study].
SYKES [pointing to the simmering Reginald and the boiling
General] Thats just it, Bishop. Edith is her uncle's niece. She
cant control herself any more than they can. And she's a Bishop's
daughter. That means that she's engaged in social work of all
sorts: organizing shop assistants and sweated work girls and all
that. When her blood boils about it (and it boils at least once a
week) she doesnt care what she says.
REGINALD. Well: you knew that when you proposed to her.
SYKES. Yes; but I didnt know that when we were married I should
be legally responsible if she libelled anybody, though all her
property is protected against me as if I were the lowest thief
and cadger. This morning somebody sent me Belfort Bax's essays on
Men's Wrongs; and they have been a perfect eye-opener to me.
Bishop: I'm not thinking of myself: I would face anything for
Edith. But my mother and sisters are wholly dependent on my
property. I'd rather have to cut off an inch from my right arm
than a hundred a year from my mother's income. I owe everything
to her care of me. Edith, in dressing-jacket and petticoat, comes
in through the tower, swiftly and determinedly, pamphlet in hand,
principles up in arms, more of a bishop than her father, yet as
much a gentlewoman as her mother. She is the typical spoilt child
of a clerical household: almost as terrible a product as the
typical spoilt child of a Bohemian household: that is, all her
childish affectations of conscientious scruple and religious
impulse have been applauded and deferred to until she has become
an ethical snob of the first water. Her father's sense of humor
and her mother's placid balance have done something to save her
humanity; but her impetuous temper and energetic will,
unrestrained by any touch of humor or scepticism, carry
everything before them. Imperious and dogmatic, she takes command
of the party at once.
EDITH [standing behind Cecil's chair] Cecil: I heard your voice.
I must speak to you very particularly. Papa: go away. Go away
everybody.
THE BISHOP [crossing to the study door] I think there can be no
doubt that Edith wishes us to retire. Come. [He stands in the
doorway, waiting for them to follow].
SYKES. Thats it, you see. It's just this outspokenness that makes
my position hard, much as I admire her for it.
EDITH. Do you want me to flatter and be untruthful?
SYKES. No, not exactly that.
EDITH. Does anybody want me to flatter and be untruthful?
HOTCHKISS. Well, since you ask me, I do. Surely it's the very
first qualification for tolerable social intercourse.
THE GENERAL [markedly] I hope you will always tell ME the truth,
my darling, at all events.
EDITH [complacently coming to the fireplace] You can depend on me
for that, Uncle Boxer.
HOTCHKISS. Are you sure you have any adequate idea of what the
truth about a military man really is?
REGINALD [aggressively] Whats the truth about you, I wonder?
HOTCHKISS. Oh, quite unfit for publication in its entirety. If
Miss Bridgenorth begins telling it, I shall have to leave the
room.
REGINALD. I'm not at all surprised to hear it. [Rising] But whats
it got to do with our business here to-day? Is it you thats going
to be married or is it Edith?
HOTCHKISS. I'm so sorry, I get so interested in myself that I
thrust myself into the front of every discussion in the most
insufferable way. [Reginald, with an exclamation of disgust,
crosses the kitchen towards the study door]. But, my dear
Rejjy, are you quite sure that Miss Bridgenorth is going to be
married? Are you, Miss Bridgenorth?
Before Edith has time to answer her mother returns with Leo and
Lesbia.
LEO. Yes, here she is, of course. I told you I heard her dash
downstairs. [She comes to the end of the table next the
fireplace].
MRS BRIDGENORTH [transfixed in the middle of the kitchen] And
Cecil!!
LESBIA. And Sinjon!
THE BISHOP. Edith wishes to speak to Cecil. [Mrs Bridgenorth
comes to him. Lesbia goes into the garden, as before]. Let us go
into my study.
LEO. But she must come and dress. Look at the hour!
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Come, Leo dear. [Leo follows her reluctantly.
They are about to go into the study with the Bishop].
HOTCHKISS. Do you know, Miss Bridgenorth, I should most awfully
like to hear what you have to say to poor Cecil.
REGINALD [scandalized] Well!
EDITH. Who is poor Cecil, pray?
HOTCHKISS. One always calls a man that on his wedding morning: I
dont know why. I'm his best man, you know. Dont you think it
gives me a certain right to be present in Cecil's interest?
THE GENERAL [gravely] There is such a thing as delicacy, Mr
Hotchkiss.
HOTCHKISS. There is such a thing as curiosity, General.
THE GENERAL [furious] Delicacy is thrown away here, Alfred.
Edith: you had better take Sykes into the study.
The group at the study door breaks up. The General flings himself
into the last chair on the long side of the table, near the
garden door. Leo sits at the end, next him, and Mrs Bridgenorth
next Leo. Reginald returns to the oak chest, to be near Leo; and
the Bishop goes to his wife and stands by her.
HOTCHKISS [to Edith] Of course I'll go if you wish me to. But
Cecil's objection to go through with it was so entirely on public
grounds--
EDITH [with quick suspicion] His objection?
SYKES. Sinjon: you have no right to say that. I expressly said
that I'm ready to go through with it.
EDITH. Cecil: do you mean to say that you have been raising
difficulties about our marriage?
SYKES. I raise no difficulty. But I do beg you to be careful what
you say about people. You must remember, my dear, that when we
are married I shall be responsible for everything you say. Only
last week you said on a public platform that Slattox and Chinnery
were scoundrels. They could have got a thousand pounds damages
apiece from me for that if we'd been married at the time.
EDITH [austerely] I never said anything of the sort. I never
stoop to mere vituperation: what would my girls say of me if I
did? I chose my words most carefully. I said they were tyrants,
liars, and thieves; and so they are. Slattox is even worse.
HOTCHKISS. I'm afraid that would be at least five thousand
pounds.
SYKES. If it were only myself, I shouldnt care. But my mother and
sisters! Ive no right to sacrifice them.
EDITH. You neednt be alarmed. I'm not going to be married.
ALL THE REST. Not!
SYKES [in consternation] Edith! Are you throwing me over?
EDITH. How can I? you have been beforehand with me.
SYKES. On my honor, no. All I said was that I didnt know the law
when I asked you to be my wife.
EDITH. And you wouldnt have asked me if you had. Is that it?
SYKES. No. I should have asked you for my sake be a little more
careful--not to ruin me uselessly.
EDITH. You think the truth useless?
HOTCHKISS. Much worse than useless, I assure you. Frequently most
mischievous.
EDITH. Sinjon: hold your tongue. You are a chatterbox and a fool!
MRS BRIDGENORTH } [shocked] { Edith!
THE BISHOP } { My love!
HOTCHKISS [mildly] I shall not take an action, Cecil.
EDITH [to Hotchkiss] Sorry; but you are old enough to know
better. [To the others] And now since there is to be no wedding,
we had better get back to our work. Mamma: will you tell Collins
to cut up the wedding cake into thirty-three pieces for the club
girls? My not being married is no reason why they should be
disappointed. [She turns to go].
HOTCHKISS [gallantly] If youll allow me to take Cecil's place,
Miss Bridgenorth--
LEO. Sinjon!
HOTCHKISS. Oh, I forgot. I beg your pardon. [To Edith,
apologetically] A prior engagement.
EDITH. What! You and Leo! I thought so. Well, hadnt you two
better get married at once? I dont approve of long engagements.
The breakfast's ready: the cake's ready: everything's ready. I'll
lend Leo my veil and things.
THE BISHOP. I'm afraid they must wait until the decree is made
absolute, my dear. And the license is not transferable.
EDITH. Oh well, it cant be helped. Is there anything else before
I go off to the Club?
SYKES. You dont seem much disappointed, Edith. I cant help saying
that much.
EDITH. And you cant help looking enormously relieved, Cecil. We
shant be any worse friends, shall we?
SYKES [distractedly] Of course not. Still--I'm perfectly ready--
at least--if it were not for my mother--Oh, I dont know what to
do. Ive been so fond of you; and when the worry of the wedding
was over I should have been so fond of you again--
EDITH [petting him] Come, come! dont make a scene, dear. Youre
quite right. I dont think a woman doing public work ought to get
married unless her husband feels about it as she does. I dont
blame you at all for throwing me over.
REGINALD [bouncing off the chest, and passing behind the General
to the other end of the table] No: dash it! I'm not going to
stand this. Why is the man always to be put in the wrong? Be
honest, Edith. Why werent you dressed? Were you going to throw
him over? If you were, take your fair share of the blame; and
dont put it all on him.
HOTCHKISS [sweetly] Would it not be better--
REGINALD [violently] Now look here, Hotchkiss. Who asked you to
cut in? Is your name Edith? Am I your uncle?
HOTCHKISS. I wish you were: I should like to have an uncle,
Reginald.
REGINALD. Yah! Sykes: are you ready to marry Edith or are you
not?
SYKES. Ive already said that I'm quite ready. A promise is a
promise.
REGINALD. We dont want to know whether a promise is a promise or
not. Cant you answer yes or no without spoiling it and setting
Hotchkiss here grinning like a Cheshire cat? If she puts on her
veil and goes to Church, will you marry her?
SYKES. Certainly. Yes.
REGINALD. Thats all right. Now, Edie, put on your veil and off
with you to the church. The bridegroom's waiting. [He sits down
at the table].
EDITH. Is it understood that Slattox and Chinnery are liars and
thieves, and that I hope by next Wednesday to have in my hands
conclusive evidence that Slattox is something much worse?
SYKES. I made no conditions as to that when I proposed to you;
and now I cant go back. I hope Providence will spare my poor
mother. I say again I'm ready to marry you.
EDITH. Then I think you shew great weakness of character; and
instead of taking advantage of it I shall set you a better
example. I want to know is this true. [She produces a pamphlet
and takes it to the Bishop; then sits down between Hotchkiss and
her mother].
THE BISHOP [reading the title] Do YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO
DO? BY A WOMAN WHO HAS DONE IT. May I ask, my dear, what she did?
EDITH. She got married. When she had three children--the eldest
only four years old--her husband committed a murder, and then
attempted to commit suicide, but only succeeded in disfiguring
himself. Instead of hanging him, they sent him to penal servitude
for life, for the sake, they said, of his wife and infant
children. And she could not get a divorce from that horrible
murderer. They would not even keep him imprisoned for life. For
twenty years she had to live singly, bringing up her children by
her own work, and knowing that just when they were grown up and
beginning life, this dreadful creature would be let out to
disgrace them all, and prevent the two girls getting decently
married, and drive the son out of the country perhaps. Is that
really the law? Am I to understand that if Cecil commits a mur-
der, or forges, or steals, or becomes an atheist, I cant get
divorced from him?
THE BISHOP. Yes, my dear. That is so. You must take him for
better for worse.
EDITH. Then I most certainly refuse to enter into any such wicked
contract. What sort of servants? what sort of friends? what sort
of Prime Ministers should we have if we took them for better for
worse for all their lives? We should simply encourage them in
every sort of wickedness. Surely my husband's conduct is of more
importance to me than Mr Balfour's or Mr Asquith's. If I had
known the law I would never have consented. I dont believe any
woman would if she realized what she was doing.
SYKES. But I'm not going to commit murder.
EDITH. How do you know? Ive sometimes wanted to murder Slattox.
Have you never wanted to murder somebody, Uncle Rejjy?
REGINALD [at Hotchkiss, with intense expression] Yes.
LEO. Rejjy!
REGINALD. I said yes; and I mean yes. There was one night,
Hotchkiss, when I jolly near shot you and Leo and finished up
with myself; and thats the truth.
LEO [suddenly whimpering] Oh Rejjy [she runs to him and kisses
him].
REGINALD [wrathfully] Be off. [She returns weeping to her seat].
MRS BRIDGENORTH [petting Leo, but speaking to the company at
large] But isnt all this great nonsense? What likelihood is there
of any of us committing a crime?
HOTCHKISS. Oh yes, I assure you. I went into the matter once very
carefully; and I found things I have actually done--things that
everybody does, I imagine--would expose me, if I were found out
and prosecuted, to ten years' penal servitude, two years hard
labor, and the loss of all civil rights. Not counting that I'm a
private trustee, and, like all private trustees, a fraudulent
one. Otherwise, the widow for whom I am trustee would starve
occasionally, and the children get no education. And I'm probably
as honest a man as any here.
THE GENERAL [outraged] Do you imply that I have been guilty of
conduct that would expose me to penal servitude?
HOTCHKISS. I should think it quite likely, but of course I dont
know.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. But bless me! marriage is not a question of law,
is it? Have you children no affection for one another? Surely
thats enough?
HOTCHKISS. If it's enough, why get married?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Stuff, Sinjon! Of course people must get
married. [Uneasily] Alfred: why dont you say something? Surely
youre not going to let this go on.
THE GENERAL. Ive been waiting for the last twenty minutes,
Alfred, in amazement! in stupefaction! to hear you put a stop to
all this. We look to you: it's your place, your office, your
duty. Exert your authority at once.
THE BISHOP. You must give the devil fair play, Boxer. Until you
have heard and weighed his case you have no right to condemn him.
I'm sorry you have been kept waiting twenty minutes; but I myself
have waited twenty years for this to happen. Ive often wrestled
with the temptation to pray that it might not happen in my own
household. Perhaps it was a presentiment that it might become a
part of our old Bridgenorth burden that made me warn our
Governments so earnestly that unless the law of marriage were
first made human, it could never become divine.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Oh, do be sensible about this. People must get
married. What would you have said if Cecil's parents had not been
married?
THE BISHOP. They were not, my dear.
HOTCHKISS } { Hallo!
REGINALD } { What d'ye mean?
THE GENERAL } { Eh?
LEO } { Not married!
MRS. BRIDGENORTH } { What?
SYKES [rising in amazement] What on earth do you mean, Bishop? My
parents were married.
HOTCHKISS. You cant remember, Cecil.
SYKES. Well, I never asked my mother to shew me her marriage
lines, if thats what you mean. What man ever has? I never
suspected--I never knew--Are you joking? Or have we all gone mad?
THE BISHOP. Dont be alarmed, Cecil. Let me explain. Your parents
were not Anglicans. You were not, I think, Anglican yourself,
until your second year at Oxford. They were Positivists. They
went through the Positivist ceremony at Newton Hall in Fetter
Lane after entering into the civil contract before the Registrar
of the West Strand District. I ask you, as an Anglican Catholic,
was that a marriage?
SYKES [overwhelmed] Great Heavens, no! a thousand times, no. I
never thought of that. I'm a child of sin. [He collapses into the
railed chair].
THE BISHOP. Oh, come, come! You are no more a child of sin than
any Jew, or Mohammedan, or Nonconformist, or anyone else born
outside the Church. But you see how it affects my view of the
situation. To me there is only one marriage that is holy: the
Church's sacrament of marriage. Outside that, I can recognize no
distinction between one civil contract and another. There was a
time when all marriages were made in Heaven. But because the
Church was unwise and would not make its ordinances reasonable,
its power over men and women was taken away from it; and
marriages gave place to contracts at a registry office. And now
that our Governments refuse to make these contracts reasonable,
those whom we in our blindness drove out of the Church will be
driven out of the registry office; and we shall have the history
of Ancient Rome repeated. We shall be joined by our solicitors
for seven, fourteen, or twenty-one years--or perhaps months.
Deeds of partnership will replace the old vows.
THE GENERAL. Would you, a Bishop, approve of such partnerships?
THE BISHOP. Do you think that I, a Bishop, approve of the
Deceased Wife's Sister Act? That did not prevent its becoming
law.
THE GENERAL. But when the Government sounded you as to whether
youd marry a man to his deceased wife's sister you very naturally
and properly told them youd see them damned first.
THE BISHOP [horrified] No, no, really, Boxer! You must not--
THE GENERAL [impatiently] Oh, of course I dont mean that you used
those words. But that was the meaning and the spirit of it.
THE BISHOP. Not the spirit, Boxer, I protest. But never mind
that. The point is that State marriage is already divorced from
Church marriage. The relations between Leo and Rejjy and Sinjon
are perfectly legal; but do you expect me, as a Bishop, to
approve of them?
THE GENERAL. I dont defend Reginald. He should have kicked you
out of the house, Mr. Hotchkiss.
REGINALD [rising] How could I kick him out of the house? He's
stronger than me: he could have kicked me out if it came to that.
He did kick me out: what else was it but kicking out, to take my
wife's affections from me and establish himself in my place? [He
comes to the hearth].
HOTCHKISS. I protest, Reginald, I said all that a man could to
prevent the smash.
REGINALD. Oh, I know you did: I dont blame you: people dont do
these things to one another: they happen and they cant be helped.
What was I to do? I was old: she was young. I was dull: he was
brilliant. I had a face like a walnut: he had a face like a
mushroom. I was as glad to have him in the house as she was: he
amused me. And we were a couple of fools: he gave us good advice
--told us what to do when we didnt know. She found out that I
wasnt any use to her and he was; so she nabbed him and gave me
the chuck.
LEO. If you dont stop talking in that disgraceful way about our
married life, I'll leave the room and never speak to you again.
REGINALD. Youre not going to speak to me again, anyhow, are you?
Do you suppose I'm going to visit you when you marry him?
HOTCHKISS. I hope so. Surely youre not going to be vindictive,
Rejjy. Besides, youll have all the advantages I formerly enjoyed.
Youll be the visitor, the relief, the new face, the fresh news,
the hopeless attachment: I shall only be the husband.
REGINALD [savagely] Will you tell me this, any of you? how is it
that we always get talking about Hotchkiss when our business is
about Edith? [He fumes up the kitchen to the tower and back to
his chair].
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Will somebody tell me how the world is to go on
if nobody is to get married?
SYKES. Will somebody tell me what an honorable man and a sincere
Anglican is to propose to a woman whom he loves and who loves him
and wont marry him?
LEO. Will somebody tell me how I'm to arrange to take care of
Rejjy when I'm married to Sinjon. Rejjy must not be allowed to
marry anyone else, especially that odious nasty creature that
told all those wicked lies about him in Court.
HOTCHKISS. Let us draw up the first English partnership deed.
LEO. For shame, Sinjon!
THE BISHOP. Somebody must begin, my dear. Ive a very strong
suspicion that when it is drawn up it will be so much worse than
the existing law that you will all prefer getting married. We
shall therefore be doing the greatest possible service to
morality by just trying how the new system would work.
LESBIA [suddenly reminding them of her forgotten presence as she
stands thoughtfully in the garden doorway] Ive been thinking.
THE BISHOP [to Hotchkiss] Nothing like making people think: is
there, Sinjon?
LESBIA [coming to the table, on the General's left] A woman has
no right to refuse motherhood. That is clear, after the
statistics given in The Times by Mr Sidney Webb.
THE GENERAL. Mr Webb has nothing to do with it. It is the Voice
of Nature.
LESBIA. But if she is an English lady it is her right and her
duty to stand out for honorable conditions. If we can agree on
the conditions, I am willing to enter into an alliance with
Boxer.
The General staggers to his feet, momentarily stupent and
speechless.
EDITH [rising] And I with Cecil.
LEO [rising] And I with Rejjy and St John.
THE GENERAL [aghast] An alliance! Do you mean a--a--a--
REGINALD. She only means bigamy, as I understand her.
THE GENERAL. Alfred: how long more are you going to stand there
and countenance this lunacy? Is it a horrible dream or am I
awake? In the name of common sense and sanity, let us go back to
real life--
Collins comes in through the tower, in alderman's robes. The
ladies who are standing sit down hastily, and look as unconcerned
as possible.
COLLINS. Sorry to hurry you, my lord; but the Church has been
full this hour past; and the organist has played all the wedding
music in Lohengrin three times over.
THE GENERAL. The very man we want. Alfred: I'm not equal to this
crisis. You are not equal to it. The Army has failed. The Church
has failed. I shall put aside all idle social distinctions and
appeal to the Municipality.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Do, Boxer. He is sure to get us out of this
difficulty.
Collins, a little puzzled, comes forward affably to Hotchkiss's
left.
HOTCHKISS [rising, impressed by the aldermanic gown] Ive not had
the pleasure. Will you introduce me?
COLLINS [confidentially] All right, sir. Only the greengrocer,
sir, in charge of the wedding breakfast. Mr Alderman Collins,
sir, when I'm in my gown.
HOTCHKISS [staggered] Very pleased indeed [he sits down again].
THE BISHOP. Personally I value the counsel of my old friend, Mr
Alderman Collins, very highly. If Edith and Cecil will allow him--
EDITH. Collins has known me from my childhood: I'm sure he will
agree with me.
COLLINS. Yes, miss: you may depend on me for that. Might I ask
what the difficulty is?
EDITH. Simply this. Do you expect me to get married in the
existing state of the law?
SYKES [rising and coming to Collin's left elbow] I put it to you
as a sensible man: is it any worse for her than for me?
REGINALD [leaving his place and thrusting himself between Collins
and Sykes, who returns to his chair] Thats not the point. Let
this be understood, Mr Collins. It's not the man who is backing
out: it's the woman. [He posts himself on the hearth].
LESBIA. We do not admit that, Collins. The women are perfectly
ready to make a reasonable arrangement.
LEO. With both men.
THE GENERAL. The case is now before you, Mr Collins. And I put it
to you as one man to another: did you ever hear such crazy
nonsense?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. The world must go on, mustnt it, Collins?
COLLINS [snatching at this, the first intelligible proposition he
has heard] Oh, the world will go on, maam dont you be afraid of
that. It aint so easy to stop it as the earnest kind of people
think.
EDITH. I knew you would agree with me, Collins. Thank you.
HOTCHKISS. Have you the least idea of what they are talking
about, Mr Alderman?
COLLINS. Oh, thats all right, Sir. The particulars dont matter. I
never read the report of a Committee: after all, what can they
say, that you dont know? You pick it up as they go on talking.[He
goes to the corner of the table and speaks across it to the
company]. Well, my Lord and Miss Edith and Madam and Gentlemen,
it's like this. Marriage is tolerable enough in its way if youre
easygoing and dont expect too much from it. But it doesnt bear
thinking about. The great thing is to get the young people tied
up before they know what theyre letting themselves in for. Theres
Miss Lesbia now. She waited till she started thinking about it;
and then it was all over. If you once start arguing, Miss Edith
and Mr Sykes, youll never get married. Go and get married first:
youll have plenty of arguing afterwards, miss, believe me.
HOTCHKISS. Your warning comes too late. Theyve started arguing
already.
THE GENERAL. But you dont take in the full--well, I dont wish to
exaggerate; but the only word I can find is the full horror of
the situation. These ladies not only refuse our honorable
offers, but as I understand it--and I'm sure I beg your pardon
most heartily, Lesbia, if I'm wrong, as I hope I am--they
actually call on us to enter into--I'm sorry to use the
expression; but what can I say?--into ALLIANCES with them under
contracts to be drawn up by our confounded solicitors.
COLLINS. Dear me, General: thats something new when the parties
belong to the same class.
THE BISHOP. Not new, Collins. The Romans did it.
COLLINS. Yes: they would, them Romans. When youre in Rome do as
the Romans do, is an old saying. But we're not in Rome at
present, my lord.
THE BISHOP. We have got into many of their ways. What do you
think of the contract system, Collins?
COLLINS. Well, my lord, when theres a question of a contract, I
always say, shew it to me on paper. If it's to be talk, let it be
talk; but if it's to be a contract, down with it in black and
white; and then we shall know what we're about.
HOTCHKISS. Quite right, Mr Alderman. Let us draft it at once. May
I go into the study for writing materials, Bishop?
THE BISHOP. Do, Sinjon.
Hotchkiss goes into the library.
COLLINS. If I might point out a difficulty, my lord--
THE BISHOP. Certainly. [He goes to the fourth chair from the
General's left, but before sitting down, courteously points to
the chair at the end of the table next the hearth]. Wont you sit
down, Mr Alderman? [Collins, very appreciative of the Bishop's
distinguished consideration, sits down. The Bishop then takes his
seat].
COLLINS. We are at present six men to four ladies. Thats not
fair.
REGINALD. Not fair to the men, you mean.
LEO. Oh! Rejjy has said something clever! Can I be mistaken in
him?
Hotchkiss comes back with a blotter and some paper. He takes the
vacant place in the middle of the table between Lesbia and the
Bishop.
COLLINS. I tell you the truth, my lord and ladies and gentlemen:
I dont trust my judgment on this subject. Theres a certain lady
that I always consult on delicate points like this. She has a
very exceptional experience, and a wonderful temperament and
instinct in affairs of the heart.
HOTCHKISS. Excuse me, Mr Alderman: I'm a snob; and I warn you
that theres no use consulting anyone who will not advise us
frankly on class lines. Marriage is good enough for the lower
classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to
us. What is the social position of this lady?
COLLINS. The highest in the borough, sir. She is the Mayoress.
But you need not stand in awe of her, sir. She is my sister-in-
law. [To the Bishop] Ive often spoken of her to your lady, my
lord. [To Mrs Bridgenorth] Mrs George, maam.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [startled] Do you mean to say, Collins, that Mrs
George is a real person?
COLLINS [equally startled] Didnt you believe in her, maam?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Never for a moment.
THE BISHOP. We always thought that Mrs George was too good to be
true. I still dont believe in her, Collins. You must produce her
if you are to convince me.
COLLINS [overwhelmed] Well, I'm so taken aback by this that--Well
I never!!! Why! shes at the church at this moment, waiting to see
the wedding.
THE BISHOP. Then produce her. [Collins shakes his head].Come,
Collins! confess. Theres no such person.
COLLINS. There is, my lord: there is, I assure you. You ask
George. It's true I cant produce her; but you can, my lord.
THE BISHOP. I!
COLLINS. Yes, my lord, you. For some reason that I never could
make out, she has forbidden me to talk about you, or to let her
meet you. Ive asked her to come here of a wedding morning to help
with the flowers or the like; and she has always refused. But if
you order her to come as her Bishop, she'll come. She has some
very strange fancies, has Mrs George. Send your ring to her, my
lord--he official ring--send it by some very stylish gentleman--
perhaps Mr Hotchkiss here would be good enough to take it--and
she'll come.
THE BISHOP [taking off his ring and handing it to Hotchkiss]
Oblige me by undertaking the mission.
HOTCHKISS. But how am I to know the lady?
COLLINS. She has gone to the church in state, sir, and will be
attended by a Beadle with a mace. He will point her out to you;
and he will take the front seat of the carriage on the way back.
HOTCHKISS. No, by heavens! Forgive me, Bishop; but you are asking
too much. I ran away from the Boers because I was a snob. I run
away from the Beadle for the same reason. I absolutely decline
the mission.
THE GENERAL [rising impressively] Be good enough to give me that
ring, Mr Hotchkiss.
HOTCHKISS. With pleasure. [He hands it to him].
THE GENERAL. I shall have the great pleasure, Mr Alderman, in
waiting on the Mayoress with the Bishop's orders; and I shall be
proud to return with municipal honors. [He stalks out gallantly,
Collins rising for a moment to bow to him with marked dignity].
REGINALD. Boxer is rather a fine old josser in his way.
HOTCHKISS. His uniform gives him an unfair advantage. He will
take all the attention off the Beadle.
COLLINS. I think it would be as well, my lord, to go on with the
contract while we're waiting. The truth is, we shall none of us
have much of a look-in when Mrs George comes; so we had better
finish the writing part of the business before she arrives.
HOTCHKISS. I think I have the preliminaries down all right.
[Reading] 'Memorandum of Agreement made this day of blank blank
between blank blank of blank blank in the County of blank,
Esquire, hereinafter called the Gentleman, of the one part, and
blank blank of blank in the County of blank, hereinafter called
the Lady, of the other part, whereby it is declared and agreed as
follows.'
LEO [rising] You might remember your manners, Sinjon. The lady
comes first. [She goes behind him and stoops to look at the draft
over his shoulder].
HOTCHKISS. To be sure. I beg your pardon. [He alters the draft].
LEO. And you have got only one lady and one gentleman. There
ought to be two gentlemen.
COLLINS. Oh, thats a mere matter of form, maam. Any number of
ladies or gentlemen can be put in.
LEO. Not any number of ladies. Only one lady. Besides, that
creature wasnt a lady.
REGINALD. You shut your head, Leo. This is a general sort of
contract for everybody: it's not your tract.
LEO. Then what use is it to me?
HOTCHKISS. You will get some hints from it for your own contract.
EDITH. I hope there will be no hinting. Let us have the plain
straightforward truth and nothing but the truth.
COLLINS. Yes, yes, miss: it will be all right. Theres nothing
underhand, I assure you. It's a model agreement, as it were.
EDITH [unconvinced] I hope so.
HOTCHKISS. What is the first clause in an agreement, usually? You
know, Mr Alderman.
COLLINS [at a loss] Well, Sir, the Town Clerk always sees to
that. Ive got out of the habit of thinking for myself in these
little matters. Perhaps his lordship knows.
THE BISHOP. I'm sorry to say I dont. Soames will know. Alice,
where is Soames?
HOTCHKISS. He's in there [pointing to the study].
THE BISHOP [to his wife] Coax him to join us, my love. [Mrs
Bridgenorth goes into the study]. Soames is my chaplain, Mr
Collins. The great difficulty about Bishops in the Church of
England to-day is that the affairs of the diocese make it
necessary that a Bishop should be before everything a man of
business, capable of sticking to his desk for sixteen hours a
day. But the result of having Bishops of this sort is that the
spiritual interests of the Church, and its influence on the souls
and imaginations of the people, very soon begins to go rapidly to
the devil--
EDITH [shocked] Papa!
THE BISHOP. I am speaking technically, not in Boxer's manner.
Indeed the Bishops themselves went so far in that direction that
they gained a reputation for being spiritually the stupidest men
in the country and commercially the sharpest. I found a way out
of this difficulty. Soames was my solicitor. I found that Soames,
though a very capable man of business, had a romantic secret his-
tory. His father was an eminent Nonconformist divine who
habitually spoke of the Church of England as The Scarlet Woman.
Soames became secretly converted to Anglicanism at the age of
fifteen. He longed to take holy orders, but didnt dare to,
because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened to
drop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed that
people with weak hearts are the tyrants of English family life.
So poor Soames had to become a solicitor. When his father died--
by a curious stroke of poetic justice he died of scarlet fever,
and was found to have had a perfectly sound heart--I ordained
Soames and made him my chaplain. He is now quite happy. He is a
celibate; fasts strictly on Fridays and throughout Lent; wears a
cassock and biretta; and has more legal business to do than ever
he had in his old office in Ely Place. And he sets me free for
the spiritual and scholarly pursuits proper to a Bishop.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [coming back from the study with a knitting
basket] Here he is. [She resumes her seat, and knits].
Soames comes in in cassock and biretta. He salutes the company by
blessing them with two fingers.
HOTCHKISS. Take my place, Mr Soames. [He gives up his chair to
him, and retires to the oak chest, on which he seats himself].
THE BISHOP. No longer Mr Soames, Sinjon. Father Anthony.
SOAMES [taking his seat] I was christened Oliver Cromwell Soames.
My father had no right to do it. I have taken the name of
Anthony. When you become parents, young gentlemen, be very
careful not to label a helpless child with views which it may
come to hold in abhorrence.
THE BISHOP. Has Alice explained to you the nature of the document
we are drafting?
SOAMES. She has indeed.
LESBIA. That sounds as if you disapproved.
SOAMES. It is not for me to approve or disapprove. I do the work
that comes to my hand from my ecclesiastical superior.
THE BISHOP. Dont be uncharitable, Anthony. You must give us your
best advice.
SOAMES. My advice to you all is to do your duty by taking the
Christian vows of celibacy and poverty. The Church was founded
to put an end to marriage and to put an end to property.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. But how could the world go on, Anthony?
SOAMES. Do your duty and see. Doing your duty is your business:
keeping the world going is in higher hands.
LESBIA. Anthony: youre impossible.
SOAMES [taking up his pen] You wont take my advice. I didnt
expect you would. Well, I await your instructions.
REGINALD. We got stuck on the first clause. What should we begin
with?
SOAMES. It is usual to begin with the term of the contract.
EDITH. What does that mean?
SOAMES. The term of years for which it is to hold good.
LEO. But this is a marriage contract.
SOAMES. Is the marriage to be for a year, a week, or a day?
REGINALD. Come, I say, Anthony! Youre worse than any of us. A
day!
SOAMES. Off the path is off the path. An inch or a mile: what
does it matter?
LEO. If the marriage is not to be for ever, I'll have nothing to
do with it. I call it immoral to have a marriage for a term of
years. If the people dont like it they can get divorced.
REGINALD. It ought to be for just as long as the two people like.
Thats what I say.
COLLINS. They may not agree on the point, sir. It's often fast
with one and loose with the other.
LESBIA. I should say for as long as the man behaves himself.
THE BISHOP. Suppose the woman doesnt behave herself?
MRS BRIDGENORTH. The woman may have lost all her chances of a
good marriage with anybody else. She should not be cast adrift.
REGINALD. So may the man! What about his home?
LEO. The wife ought to keep an eye on him, and see that he is
comfortable and takes care of himself properly. The other man
wont want her all the time.
LESBIA. There may not be another man.
LEO. Then why on earth should she leave him?
LESBIA. Because she wants to.
LEO. Oh, if people are going to be let do what they want to,
then I call it simple immorality. [She goes indignantly to the
oak chest, and perches herself on it close beside Hotchkiss].
REGINALD [watching them sourly] You do it yourself, dont you?
LEO. Oh, thats quite different. Dont make foolish witticisms,
Rejjy.
THE BISHOP. We dont seem to be getting on. What do you say, Mr
Alderman?
COLLINS. Well, my lord, you see people do persist in talking as
if marriages was all of one sort. But theres almost as many
different sorts of marriages as theres different sorts of people.
Theres the young things that marry for love, not knowing what
theyre doing, and the old things that marry for money and comfort
and companionship. Theres the people that marry for children.
Theres the people that dont intend to have children and that arnt
fit to have them. Theres the people that marry because theyre so
much run after by the other sex that they have to put a stop to
it somehow. Theres the people that want to try a new experience,
and the people that want to have done with experiences. How are
you to please them all? Why, youll want half a dozen different
sorts of contract.
THE BISHOP. Well, if so, let us draw them all up. Let us face it.
REGINALD. Why should we be held together whether we like it or
not? Thats the question thats at the bottom of it all.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Because of the children, Rejjy.
COLLINS. But even then, maam, why should we be held together when
thats all over--when the girls are married and the boys out in
the world and in business for themselves? When thats done with,
the real work of the marriage is done with. If the two like to
stay together, let them stay together. But if not, let them part,
as old people in the workhouses do. Theyve had enough of one
another. Theyve found one another out. Why should they be tied
together to sit there grudging and hating and spiting one another
like so many do? Put it twenty years from the birth of the
youngest child.
SOAMES. How if there be no children?
COLLINS. Let em take one another on liking.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins!
LEO. You wicked old man--
THE BISHOP [remonstrating] My dear, my dear!
LESBIA. And what is a woman to live on, pray, when she is no
longer liked, as you call it?
SOAMES [with sardonic formality] It is proposed that the term of
the agreement be twenty years from the birth of the youngest
child when there are children. Any amendment?
LEO. I protest. It must be for life. It would not be a marriage
at all if it were not for life.
SOAMES. Mrs Reginald Bridgenorth proposes life. Any seconder?
LEO. Dont be soulless, Anthony.
LESBIA. I have a very important amendment. If there are any
children, the man must be cleared completely out of the house for
two years on each occasion. At such times he is superfluous,
importunate, and ridiculous.
COLLINS. But where is he to go, miss?
LESBIA. He can go where he likes as long as he does not bother
the mother.
REGINALD. And is she to be left lonely--
LESBIA. Lonely! With her child. The poor woman would be only too
glad to have a moment to herself. Dont be absurd, Rejjy.
REGINALD. That father is to be a wandering wretched outcast,
living at his club, and seeing nobody but his friends' wives!
