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Edited by E. Haldeman Julius

The Pot Boiler

A Comedy in Four Acts

Upton Sinclair







CHARACTERS IN THE "REAL-PLAY"

Will ............................. The author
Peggy ................Joint author and critic
Bill ..................... Their son (aged 8)
Dad ............................ Will's father
Schmidt......................... The grocer
The Policeman.
The Landlady.

CHARACTERS IN THE "PLAY-PLAY"

Jack ........................ The adventurer
Bob ............................. His cousin
Dad .............................. His father
Jessie.............................. His sister
Gladys .......................... His fiancee
Belle ............................. A waitress
Dolly ............................. Her sister
Bill .........................A street gamin
Schmidt ................ A restaurant keeper
The Policeman.
The Landlady.
A snow shoveller.
A butler.

Note: The characters of Dad, Bill, Schmidt, the Landlady and the
Policeman are the same in the Real and the Play-play. The character
of Jack is played by Will, and that of Belle by Peggy.






THE POT BOILER

ACT I.





SCENE.--_A transparent curtain of net extends across the stage from
right to left, about six feet back of the foot-lights. Throughout
the text, what goes on in front of this curtain is referred to as
the Real-play; what goes on behind the curtain is the Play-play.
Upon the sides of the curtain, Right and Left, is painted a
representation of an attic room in a tenement house. The curtain
becomes thin, practically nothing at center, so the audience sees
the main action of the Play-play clearly. At Right in the Real-play
is a window opening on a fire-escape, and in front of the window a
cot where the child sleeps. At Left in the Real-play is a window, an
entrance door, a flat-topped desk and two chairs. This setting of
the Real-play remains unchanged throughout the four acts._

_The scenes of the Play-play change with each act. For Act I the set
is a drawing-room in a wealthy old New York home, entrances
Right-center and Left. Both front and rear scenes are lighted by
many small lights, which can be turned off a few at a time, so that
one scene or the other fades slowly. When the Real-play is in full
light, the Play-play is dark and invisible. When the front scene is
entirely dark, we see the Play-play, slightly veiled at the sides.
In case of some rude interruption, the dream is gone in a flash, and
the reality of the garret surrounds us. The text calls for numerous
quick changes of three of the characters from the Real-play to the
Play-play and back. Dialogue and business have been provided at
these places to permit the changes._

AT RISE.--_The Real-play, showing_ PEGGY _putting_ BILL _to bed; she
is young and pretty, he is a bright but frail child._

_Bill._ Say, Peggy!

_Peggy._ Well, Bill?

_Bill._ Can you guess.

_Peggy._ How many guesses?

_Bill._ Three.

_Peggy._ All right. I guess my little son doesn't want to go to bed!

_Bill._ Say! You guessed it!

_Peggy._ Oh, mother's great at guessing!

_Bill._ But honest, it's still light.

_Peggy._ I know--but that's because it's summertime. Don't you
remember the little song? (sings)

    In winter I get up at night
    And dress by yellow candle-light;
    In summer, quite the other way,
    I have to go to bed by day!

_Bill._ Say, Peggy--when's Will coming in?

_Peggy._ I don't know, dear. Your father's working.

_Bill._ Ain't he goin' to have any dinner?

_Peggy._ I don't know--he didn't tell me.

_Bill._ Is he writin'?

_Peggy._ Yes--or else thinking about things to write.

_Bill._ Say! He's great on writin', ain't he?

_Peggy._ You bet!

_Bill._ Do you think it's good stuff?

_Peggy._ Indeed I do, Bill!

_Bill._ You don't often tell him so.

_Peggy._ Don't I?

_Bill._ No--generally you rip him up the back.

PEGGY (laughs). Well, mother has to keep him trying, you know.

_Bill._ Say, Peggy, do you suppose I'll be an author when I grow up?

_Peggy._ Can't tell, dear--it depends.

_Bill._ Maybe I'll have to get some payin' job, hey?

_Peggy._ Where did you pick up that idea?

_Bill._ Ain't you talkin' about it all the time to him?

_Peggy._ Am I? Well, I declare! Now, come, Mr. Bill--it's after
bed-time.

_Bill._ Can't I wait till Will comes?

_Peggy._ No, dear.

_Bill._ Well, will you tell him to wake me up?

_Peggy._ No, dear. I'll tell him _not_ to.

_Bill._ But Peggy, will you have him kiss me in my sleep?

_Peggy._ Yes, I'll do that. Now, there you are. A big fat kiss for
mother! Now, to sleep!

_Bill._ Say, Peggy!

_Peggy._ What?

_Bill._ The people next door ain't runnin' the gramophone tonight!

_Peggy._ No, dear. Now go to sleep.

_Bill._ And the people in hack ain't singin' any coon-songs!

_Peggy._ Now go to sleep for mother. Don't speak any more.

_Bill._ Say, Peggy!

_Peggy._ Well?

_Bill._ I won't. Good night.

_Peggy._ Good-night!

(She goes Left humming to herself; sits at table, and prepares to
work.)

_Will (Enters Left softly; a young poet, delicate and sensitive. He
watches_ PEGGY, _then closes door, tiptoes up and leans over her
shoulder)._ Well?

_Peggy (starts)._ Oh, Will, how you frightened me! Where in the
world have you been?

_Will._ Oh, it's a long tale.

_Peggy._ Have you had dinner?

_Will._ No, I don't want to eat.

_Peggy._ What's the matter? A new idea?

_Will._ I'll tell you, Peggy. Wait a bit.

_Peggy (as he takes mail from pocket)._ Some mail?

_Will._ Yes--all rejection slips. Nothing but rejection slips!
_(throws pile of returned manuscripts on the table)._ How I wish
some magazine would get a new kind of rejection slip! _(Sits
dejectedly.)_

_Peggy._ Did you get any money for the rent?

_Will._ Not yet, Peggy _(suddenly)._ The truth is, I didn't try.
Peggy, I've got to write that play!

_Peggy (Horrified)._ Will!

_Will._ I tell you I've got to! That's what I've been doing--sitting
in Union Square, working it over--ever since lunch time! It's a
perfectly stunning idea.

_Peggy._ Oh, Will, I know all that--but how can you write plays when
we must have money? Money right away! Money to pay the landlady!
Money to pay the grocer!

_Will._ But Peggy--

_Peggy._ Will, you've got to do something that will sell right off
the bat--payment on acceptance! Short stories! Sketches!

_Will (wildly)._ But don't you see that so long as I do short
stories and sketches I'm a slave? I earn just enough to keep us
going week by week. Pot-boiling--pot-boiling--year after year! And
youth is going--life is going! Peggy, I've got to make a bold
stroke, do something big and get out of this!

_Peggy._ But Will, it's madness! A play's the hardest thing of all
to sell. There's not one chance in a thousand--a hundred thousand!

_Will._ But Peggy--

_Peggy._ Listen to me. You go off in the park and dream of
plays--but I have to stay at home and face the landlady and the
grocer. I tell you I can't stand it! Honest to God, I'll have to go
back to the stage and keep this family going.

_Will (in distress)._ Peggy!

_Peggy._ I know! But I'm at the end of my rope. The landlady was
here--the grocer has shut down on us. We can't get any more bread,
any more meat--all our credit's gone!

_Will._ Gee! It's tough!

_Peggy._ I've held out eight years, and we never dreamed it would
last that long. You said one year--three years--then surely Dad
would relent and take us back, or give us some money. But Dad
doesn't relent--Dad's going to die and leave his money to a Home for
Cats! I tell you, dear, I've got to go back to the stage and earn a
living.

_Will (radiantly)._ You might play the heroine of my play.

_Peggy._ Yes--a star the first night! Isn't that like a husband and
a poet! I assure you, Will, it'll be an agency for me, and a part
with three lines, at thirty a week--

_Will (sits staring before him, with repressed intensity)._ Listen!
I've tried--honest, I've tried, but I can't get away from that play.
You know how often I've said that I wanted to find a story like our
own--so that I could use our local color, pour our emotions into it,
our laughter and our tears. And, Peggy, this is the story! Our _own_
story! It has pathos and charm--it will hold the crowd--

_Peggy_. Dear Will, _what_ do you know about the crowd? Pathos and
charm! Do you suppose the mob that comes swarming into Broadway at
eight o'clock every evening is on the hunt for pathos and charm?
They want to see women with the latest Paris fashions on them--or
with nothing on them at all! They want to see men in evening dress,
drinking high-balls, lighting expensive cigars, departing from
palatial homes to the chugging sound of automobiles.

_Will_. But Peggy, this play will have two dress-suit acts. I can
show the world I used to live in--I can use Dad's own house for a
scene. And I can finish it in four days!

_Peggy_. Yes--if you sit up all night and work! Don't you know that
when you work all night your stomach stops working all day? Haven't
you sworn to me on the Bible you'd never work at night again?

_Will (seizes her in his arms)_. Peggy! I've got to do this play!
I've started it.

_Peggy_. What?

_Will_. What do you think I've been doing all afternoon? _(Pulls out
a huge wad of loose papers from rear pocket.)_ Look at that! _(Drags
her to the table._) Now sit down here and listen--I'll tell you
about it. I'm going to tell my own story--a rich young fellow who has
a quarrel with his father and goes out into the world to make his
own way. I'm going to call him Jack, but he's really myself. Imagine
me as I was at twenty-one-when I was happy, care-free, full of fun.

_Peggy._ Oh, Will, I can't imagine you! I can't bring myself to
believe that you were ever rich and free!

_Will._ But I was, Peggy! And this will bring it all back to you.
When you read this manuscript you'll see me when I didn't know what
trouble meant-I'd never had to make an effort in my life, I couldn't
imagine what it would be to fail. Oh, what a wonderful time it was,
Peggy! It's been wonderful just to recall it here. I've pictured my
twenty-first birthday--I had a dinner party in the big drawing-
room of Dad's home! (_As Will goes on the Real-play fades, and the
Play-play comes slowly into sight._) There's Jessie, my sister, and
there's my cousin, Bob. He's a college professor who went out into
the world as a hobo in order to see life for himself. You see it's
all my story--my _own_ story! Only my name's to be Jack, you know!
Here's the manuscript! Read it!

(_Full light on the Play-play. The Real-play figures are in
darkness, visible only in silhouette. Will exchanges places with a
substitute concealed on upstage side of the desk, and then slips
below the level of the desk and exit Left, to make quick change for
entrance into Play-play in the role of Jack._)

_Jessie._ But Bob--

_Bob._ Well, Jessie?

_Jessie._ You're so hard on people, Bob!

_Bob._ Not at all! It's life that's hard, and you don't know it.
Neither does Jack!

_Jessie._ Why do you want him to know it?

_Bob._ I want him to do his share to change it--instead of idling
his life away.

_Jessie._ He's going to college, isn't he?

_Bob (laughs)._ A lot of good that's doing!

_Jessie._ Don't you believe in going to college?

_Bob._ Not the way Jack's doing it. It's all play to him, and I want
him to work. Just as I was trying to tell him a while ago--

_Jessie._ You're always nagging at him, Bob.

_Bob._ I want to teach him something. Something about the reality of
life.

_Jack (enters Play-play left in evening dress)._ Good heavens! You
two still arguing?

_Bob._ Yes, Jack--still arguing!

_Jack._ Can't you cut it out for one evening? I'm not in your class
in college.

_Bob._ If you were, Jack, you'd learn something real about the world
you live in.

_Jack._ Oh, cut it out, Bob! You give me a pain! Just because you
once put on hobo clothes and went out and knocked about with bums
for a year, you think you've a call to go around making yourself a
bore to every one you know!

_Bob._ Well, Jack, some things I saw made an impression on me and I
can't forget them. When I hear my glib young cousin who sits and
surveys life from the shelter of his father's income--when I hear
him making utterly silly assertions----

_Jack (angrily)._ What, for example?

_Bob._ The one you were making today--that if a man fails, it must
be his own fault.

_Jack._ I say there's a place in life for every man that's good for
anything.

_Bob._ I say that with things as they are at present, most men fail
of necessity.

_Jack._ They'd succeed if they only had nerve to try. There's plenty
of good jobs lying idle.

_Bob._ Oh, Jack, what rot!

_Jack._ By thunder, I'd like to show you!

_Bob._ We'd like to do all sorts of bold things--if only it weren't
too much trouble.

_Jack._ What should I do to prove it?

_Bob._ You couldn't prove it, Jack--it isn't true.

_Jack._ Suppose I wanted to _try_ to prove it? What should I do?

_Bob._ You're wasting my time, boy.

_Jack (to Jessie)._ You see! He won't even answer me!

_Jessie._ Answer him, Bob.

_Bob._ Just what do you want to prove, Jack?

_Jack._ That a man can get a job if he really wants it.

_Bob._ Well, suppose you get a job!

_Jessie._ That's too easy! Jack has a dozen jobs waiting for him
when he gets through college.

_Bob._ I don't mean for him to go on his father's name. Here--I'll
propose a test for you. Upstairs in my trunk is an old suit that I
wore when I went out and lived as a hobo. Put it on. Put on the torn
overcoat and the ragged hat. I was going to say empty your
pockets--but you needn't do that--there's nothing in the pockets. Go
out of here tonight, and make this bargain--that for six months you
won't tell a soul who you are, that you won't communicate with one
of your friends, nor use any of their influence. For six months
you'll shift for yourself and take what comes to you. And then you
can come back, and we'll see how far you've risen in the world. Also
we'll see whether you haven't changed some of your ideas! _(A
pause.)_

_Jack (in a low voice)._--That would satisfy you, would it?

_Bob._ Yes, that would satisfy me.

_Jack._ All right! By thunder--I'll go you! _(Starts away.)_
To-night!

_Jessie (horrified)._ Jack! You're out of your senses.

_Jack._ I'm not. I mean it. I'm tired of his jawing at me!

_Jessie (rushes to him)._ I won't hear of it!

_Jack._ I'm going to show him.

_Jessie (turns to Bob)._ I won't have my brother leave me!

_Bob._ Don't worry, Jessie. Your brother won't really go!

_Jack._ Yes, I will!

_Jessie (wildly)._ But Jack! It's time for your birthday-dinner!

_Bob._ We'll save the dinner and eat it cold. He'll be back in a day
or two.

_Jack._ You may spare your taunts, Bob.

_Jessie (catching him by the arm)._--I'll send for Dad! You shan't
go!

_Jack (aside to Jessie)._ Listen, Jessie. There's another reason.
I've _got_ to go. I've got into another row at college.

_Jessie._ Jack! What have you done?

_Jack._ Oh, it's a long story--the point is, Dad has heard of it
to-day, and he'll be wild. He said the last time that if I got into
any more trouble, he'd turn me out.

_Jessie._ But, Jack! He won't really do it!

_Jack._ Yes, he meant it! And I don't want to give him a chance to
order me out--I want to go before he gets here----_(He starts off
Left.)_ I'll go and put on those hobo clothes.

_Jessie._ Jack! I beg you----_(Jack exit.)_

_Jessie (turns upon Bob)._ Bob, I think it's wicked of you!

_Bob._ Why, Jessie?

_Jessie._ To nag at Jack all the time! You've driven him crazy!

_Bob._ Never mind--he'll soon get sane. You never knew him to stick
at anything very long.

_Jessie._ Oh! Oh! I think you're horrid! And right before our
party--what will we tell the guests?

_Bob._ Tell them the truth; they'll think it's romantic--like a
story in a play. Why, Jessie----

_(During this dialogue Jack has slipped back into the coat of Will
and sits at the desk, Left_ 1. _The sound of a sharp whistle heard
in the Real-play, Left_ 1. Instantly the Play-play vanishes. Full
light on the Real-play.)_

_Will (looking up in bewilderment and disgust)._ My God! What's
that?

_Peggy._ Something at the dumb-waiter, dear.

_Will._ Oh, Lord!

_Peggy (rises)._ Wait, dear. _(Hurries out of door Left, calls at
shaft.)_ Well?

_Voice below._ Garbage!

_Will (tears hair)._ Garbage.

_Peggy (cheerfully)._ All right! _(Returns and gets can, exit
Left.)_

_Will._ Garbage! Garbage! Garbage!

_Peggy._ A little higher, please--there, that'll do! All right!
_(Enters.)_

_Will._ Can you explain to me one mystery of this universe?

_Peggy._ What, dear?

_Will._ Why does the garbage-man always call when I'm inspired?

_Peggy._ Dear Will--probably the garbage-man is wondering why you
are always inspired when he calls.

_Will (moans)._ Well, shall I go on?

_Peggy._ You must wait, dear. He'll be returning the can in a few
minutes.

_Will._ A few minutes! Oh, the agonies of being an author!
_(Eagerly.)_ Well, what do you think of my play?

_Peggy._ Why, Will, I'm sorry to disappoint you. It's very
interesting--but it isn't a practical play. It would never go on
Broadway.

_Will (in dismay)._ Not go on Broadway!

_Peggy._ No, dear. It's too talky--too much sociology. You can't get
a Broadway audience to listen to long arguments.

_Will._ Isn't it what they all need? Those wage-slaves up in the
galleries----

_Peggy._ I know, dear--but they've no idea they are wage-slaves, and
they won't pay their money to hear you call them names. And down in
the three-dollar seats are people who've made their pile, and don't
want any questions asked about the way they made it. Cut out the
sociology, Will!

_Will._ But can't one discuss modern problems in a modern play?

_Peggy._ Yes, dear, but you've got to go at it differently. You've
got to get what the crowd calls the _punch._ Look at their faces,
Will--see how tired they are! You've got to find something that
comes home to them! Not arguments, not abstractions--but a clash of
human wills! Something fundamental, that every man in the crowd can
understand! Your idea's a good one, I think--having a rich boy go
out to try his luck in the under-world. There's a chance in it for
adventure, for fun, for suspense. You ought to know about that,
since you did it yourself. But you've got to start him off
differently----(_The whistle blows._)

_Will_. Oh, hell!

_Peggy_. Wait, dear. (_Exit Left, calls down shaft._) Lower, please.
No--I said _lower_. There--not too low! (_Enters with can._) All
right! Now, our troubles are over. Listen, dear. If you really want
to write, you've got to think about your audience, and what they
like. Just see, to begin with, you've left out the most important
thing in any play--whether it's a high-brow tragedy or Third Avenue
melodrama.

_Will_. What's that?

_Peggy_. The love interest.

_Will_. That's to come in the second act.

_Peggy_. Why the _second_ act?

_Will_. That's where Jack meets the heroine. I can't have two
love-stories!

_Peggy_. My dear boy, you can have a dozen, if you've wit enough to
get them in.

_Will_. With only one hero?

_Peggy_. Good Lord, Will! Didn't you ever love any woman but me?

_Will (disconcerted)_. But, Peggy----

_Peggy_. Didn't you?

_Will_. Why--you know----

_Peggy_. Of course I know! You were engaged to an heiress when you
ran away and married an actress. Why don't you put the heiress into
this play?

_Will_. Gladys?

_Peggy_. Gladys was her name, I believe. How did she act when you
told her that you loved me best? A cold, proud beauty, ready to die
before she'd let you know she cared! And isn't that exactly what
your audience is looking for? Exactly their idea of a princess of
plutocracy! And still you waste your time with a sister! Who the
deuce cares anything about a sister?

_Will_. Look here, Peggy. You'd better write this play!

_Peggy_. I've been thinking about it, ever since you first told me
the idea. Draw up your chair, and let me show you what I mean. (_The
Play-play begins to appear_.) There's Bob and Jessie, the same as
before; but also there's Gladys. I want a quite different atmosphere
from what you had. It's afternoon, and Gladys is serving tea, and
she handles the situation in tea-party fashion. Give me some paper
and let me sketch the dialogue. (_She begins to write rapidly. Full
light on the Play-play. Will makes secret exit_.)

_Gladys_. I'm waiting with a good deal of interest.

_Bob_. For what?

_Gladys_. I'm wondering how long it will be before it occurs to Jack
to ask what _I_ think of this plan of his.

_Jessie_. I hope you'll make him give it up, Gladys!

_Gladys_. Your suggestion is out of date, dear. The modern young man
doesn't give up his ideas at the request of his fiancee.

_Jessie_. Tell him what you think, at least!

_Gladys_. You don't take sugar, Bob? Don't you see that he hasn't
been interested in what I think? He has acquired some new interests.
He's going to learn about the _reality_ of life!

_Jack (enters, in afternoon coat)_. Gladys, that's not fair!

_Gladys_. Will you have tea, Jack?

_Jack_. You know I'm up against it.

_Gladys_. One lump or two, Jack?

_Jack_. I got into a scrape at college--

_Gladys_. Too strong for you, Jack? No, don't make these pretences
with me. You can get rid of me without going hoboing.

_Jessie_. How can you talk so?

_Gladys_. Such an ingenious compliment! In order to avoid having to
see or hear from his fiancee for six months, he is willing to go and
stay among the dirtiest and most disgusting people!

_Jack_. You are angry with me!

_Bob_. You ought to realize, Gladys--this will be the making of
Jack.

_Gladys_. Suppose it will be the making of something I don't want?
Suppose I'd prefer him as he is?

_Bob_. You don't care for him to know about life?

_Gladys_. I don't care for him to know about low life. I don't see
at all why he can't be content with the life of ladies and
gentlemen.

_Jack_. I thought you'd be proud to have me interested in deeper
things.

_Gladys_. Jack, you are young and care-free. It made me happy just
to see you--you were the very spirit of youth! But now you will grow
serious, you will be pale, and have a frown upon your forehead. You
will be eternally preaching, like Bob, here--and you will bore me to
death!

_Jack_. You are making fun of me!

_Gladys_. I am perfectly serious, I assure you. My romance is dead!

_Jack_. You don't mean--

_Gladys_. I mean Jack, that I have lost you!

_Jack (tries to catch her hand)_. You shan't say such a thing!

_Gladys_. Jack, such violent motions are dangerous at tea-parties.
You might ruin my costume!

_Jack_. If you feel like that, I won't go at all!

_Bob_. Oho! Already!

_Gladys_. Go on with your adventure, Jack. And don't try to make a
tragedy out of our parting--you know how I hate scenes. It would be
impossible for me to love a serious man--the mere thought of it
terrifies me! Go on! Go on--I absolutely insist!

_Jack (desperately)_. All right then! If that's the way you take it,
I'll go! (_rushes off Left._)

_Jessie_. Gladys, I think it's horrid of you to behave like that!

_Gladys_. Not at all, Jessie!

_Jessie_. Do you seriously intend to send him away?

_Gladys_. _Send_ him, Jessie? How do you mean? You can't send these
modern young men anywheres. They come and go to suit themselves.
They think they love a woman, and they plead for her love; but then
they begin to change their minds--they get bored with her, and think
they're bored with all life. So they go off and try something new
and romantic--something less tedious than a woman's affections. The
reality of life!

_Jessie_. I know Jack loves you!

_Gladys_. Indeed, Jessie? Too bad that Jack doesn't know it--
(_sound of gramophone in Real-play Left 1, playing a popular song.
The Play-play fades rapidly_.)

_Will_. Oh, God!

_Peggy_. Botheration!

_Will_. The fiends! (_leaps up and begins to pace the floor_.) Isn't
that enough to drive a man to distraction? To be trying to work,
trying to create something--

_Peggy_. Wait, dear. (_Goes and closes door._) Now forget about it.

_Will._ Yes, it's easy to say forget! But pretty soon the devils in
the rear will begin with their coon-songs--

_Peggy._ Well then, we'll close the window, too.

_Will._ Yes, on a hot night!

_Peggy._ What do you think of my love-interest?

_Will._ I think it's rotten.

_Peggy._ Will!

_Will._ Absolutely rotten! The idea of having her turn Jack down--at
the very beginning of the play!

_Peggy._ But that's exactly what happened! Didn't Gladys turn _you_
down? And besides, she can take him up again, if you like.

_Will._ How's she going to see him when he goes out on the street?

_Peggy._ Can't she run into him somewhere by accident?

_Will._ By accident--in a city of six million people!

_Peggy._ Well then, why not have her go where he goes? Let Bob
follow Jack, or let them hire a detective.

_Will._ Melodrama! Ten-twenty-thirty! I don't like Gladys as a
character any more than I did as a person. She's shallow and
cheap--a regular worldling! I won't have any such creature in my
play!

_Peggy._ There's no use talking that way, Will, you simply can't
write a money-making play without love-interest. And also you've got
to have comedy characters--real characters--

_Will (eagerly)._ I'll have one character, at least! In the next
scene, when the father comes in! It'll be a jolly lark, Peggy--I'm
going to use Dad!

_Peggy._ Your own father!

_Will._ Yes, why not?

_Peggy._ He might hear of it, Will!

_Will._ He despises the theatre. Half his anger at me was because I
married an actress. And it seems to me, if we can't get any money
out of him, we might at least get a character-study.

_Peggy._ All right, Dad let it be!

_Will._ I'll show you how it is. Here! (_Pushes the manuscripts
towards her; the Play-play begins to appear._) Jack has gone upstairs
to change his clothes, and here comes Dad. He's an old man--rich,
irascible, given to scolding. I remember how he used to snort when
anything didn't please him.

_Dad._ Huh! huh-huh!

_Will._ He's heard the story about Jack. Here's the Mss. Read. (_She
takes the manuscript and begins to read. Full light on Play-play.
Will exit secretly._)

_Dad (to Bob)._ What do you think of this?

_Bob._ What?

_Dad._ My precious son in trouble again! Never any end to it!
Recklessness--dissipation--insolence! I've reached the end of my
patience. Absolutely the end!

_Bob._ What's happened?

_Dad (waves letter in his hand)._ Here's a letter from the dean.
He's got himself suspended from college.

_Jessie (horrified)._ Oh, Dad!

_Bob._ What's he done?

_Dad._ Turning loose a live goat in a college lecture hall!

_Bob._ You can't mean it!

_Dad._ Here's the letter! They were having a fraternity initiation,
it seems, and Jack was bringing the goat, his horns painted with
phosphorus, a bunch of fire-crackers tied to his tail. Fire-crackers
to the tail of a goat!

_Jessie._ But Dad! How do you know that Jack--

_Dad._ He admitted everything in his letter to the dean! He was
passing a hall where they were giving an evening lecture. He had a
grudge against the professor. He turned out the lights, and turned
loose the goat! What do you think of that? _(A silence.)_ What do
you _think_ of it?

_Jessie._ Why Dad, I think it's funny.

_Dad._ Funny! You propose to take his side, do you? And now he's out
of college and has nothing to do but loaf around the house! I tell
you I've reached the limit of my patience. It's just as Bob
says--he's a parasite. Nothing to do but squander my money--fit for
nothing else, having no other idea! I tell you I won't support the
loafer!

_Jessie._ Dad!

_Bob._ You've brought the boy up wrong.

_Dad._ So you propose to blame _me!_

_Jack (appears in doorway Left clad in ragged anil dirty overcoat)._
Of course, Dad. It really isn't fair to scold other people for your
own blunder.

_Dad._ Oh, there you are! _(Notices Jack's clothes.)_ What the devil
is this?

_Jack._ What, Dad?

_Dad._ Drunk again, sir? Rolling in the gutter? And on your birthday
too!

_Jack._ Dad--

_Dad._ Look at him! A hundred and eighty dollars I pay to a Broadway
tailor to make this young hopeful an overcoat, and look at what he
does with it! I prepare a birthday party, and invite all his
friends, and see the condition in which he comes to welcome them! Do
you wonder my patience is exhausted? Do you wonder--

_Jessie._ Dad, you don't understand!

_Dad._ No, I don't understand! How could I be expected to
understand? How can an old man hope to keep up with a youth so
brilliant--a youth who goes to college and ties firecrackers to the
tails of goats! A youth who comes on his birthday looking like a
tramp--

_Jessie._ Listen, Dad--this is a joke--

_Dad._ Everything's a joke to my son! But I tell you I'm tired of
his jokes. I mean to make him understand that his days of tomfoolery
are over! Do you realize it--here he is, twenty-one years of age,
when he should be coming into possession of the fortune his mother
left him--and he's tying fire-crackers to the tails of goats! And
I--I am trustee of the money, and have to decide whether he's fit to
have it or not! I know that if I give it to him I ruin him for
life--I start him on a career of drunkenness and idleness! Look at
him as he stands there--and imagine him the owner of a quarter of a
million dollars! And under his mother's will the only choice I have
is to give it to him, or turn it over to a Home for Cats!

_Jessie._ Please, Dad!

_Dad._ Can I honestly say that one is more foolish than the other?
Wouldn't I be helping him if I gave the money to the cats, and let
my son go out and earn his living as best he can? Let him go down to
my office and earn his twelve dollars a week, the same as any other
young jackass--

_Jack (stepping forward)._ Dad, don't you really think it's time you
let me get a word in?

_Dad._ I'm tired of your words, young man.

_Jack._ You won't be troubled with them any more. I'm going to take
myself out of your way. I don't want your quarter of a million
dollars, and I don't want your twelve a week.

_Dad._ Indeed, sir! And what may this mean?

_Jack._ It means that I'm going out into the world as a hobo.

_Dad. What?_

_Jack._ That's it!

_Dad._ Clever! Upon my word, a clever scheme! _(To the others.)_
Look at him! The nerve of him! He knows he's misbehaved, and that
I'll be angry--so he goes and puts on a masquerade costume, and
tries to frighten me with a threat of turning hobo!

_Jessie._ Dad, it isn't that! He means to go!

_Dad._ I don't doubt that he means to go! But how long do you think
he means to stay?

_Jack._ Six months, Dad.

_Dad (scornfully)._ Six months! It won't be six days before I'll he
getting bills to pay for you!

_Jack._ You'll get no bills from me, Dad. I'm not going to use your
name.

_Dad._ How long will it he before I hear you've been borrowing money
from your friends?

_Bob._ You must listen, Dad. Jack and I are making a wager. He's to
go out in my hobo clothes and he's not to use his own name--he's not
to see any of his old friends, nor to communicate with them. He's to
depend absolutely on his own efforts--to shift for himself for six
months. That's the bargain.

_Dad._ And do you imagine he'll keep it?

_Bob._ I believe he'll try.

_Dad (gazes from one to the other; then with sudden vehemence)._
Very well! You can let me in on that bargain!

_Jack._ How do you mean?

_Dad._ Make your wager with me--I'll give you a stake to play for! A
stake that will make the game worth while!

_Jack._ What stake, Dad?

_Dad._ A quarter of a million dollars! Your mother's property.

_Jessie._ Dad!

_Dad._ I mean what I say! As God is my witness, I'll stand by what I
say! You go out of here to-night with your hobo clothes and you
shift for yourself for six months. If I find out that you've told a
soul whose son you are, or that you've used my name or your own name
to get a cent of money or a job, or even so much as a ham sandwich;
or if you come home before the six months is up, or write to one of
us, or to any one else for help--as sure as I live, it will cost you
a quarter of a million dollars.

_Jessie._ Dad, that is wicked.

_Dad._ It will cost him a quarter of a million dollars! I'll take
the money the same day and turn it over to the Home for Cats! Do you
get that, young man?

_Jack._ Yes, I get it, and it's a bargain!

_Dad._ Very well, sir. Now good luck to you!

_Jack._ Good-bye, Bob. Good-bye, Jessie.

_Jessie (rushing to him)._ Jack, I can't let you go!

_Jack._ Don't touch me, Jessie. You'll ruin your dress.

_Bob._ Let her kiss you, Jack. She'll be the last girl that offers
for some time.

_Jack (to Jessie)._ Be sensible, dear. I won't let any harm come to
me.

_Bob._ Get one of the fast freights, Jack.

_Jack._ No freights in mine--New York will do. There's some money
still lying around in this old town, I've an idea.

_Dad (sarcastically)._ He'll be king of the shoe-string
peddlers--the walking delegate of the Hobos' Union!

_Jack._ You may laugh, Dad, but I know I'm not such a fool as I
seem. Maybe it'll take me more than six months, but I think I can
convince you in the end that I can make my way.

_Dad._ Maybe you'll not want the quarter of a million at all!

_Jack._ Oh, an extra quarter of a million would always come in
handy. But we'll settle that when I return, Dad. For the present,
I've got the world to conquer.

_Bob._ Bow down, world!

_Jack._ What I say is: Come on, world! _(with a gesture of
defiance)_ I'm ready for you! I'll show you what I can do. Good-bye!
_(exit suddenly Left)_

_Jessie._ Jack! Jack! Oh, how perfectly terrible! This cold night,
and no money! What will he do?

_Bob._ There's many another man out there with no money. What do
_they_ do?

_Jessie._ Bob, I _hate_ you!

_Dad._ It'll be the very thing for the young scapegrace--if he'll
stick to it.

_Jessie._ But how will he live, Dad?

_Dad._ Live? Wasn't I a poor boy when I came to the city? And didn't
I manage to make a fortune? Let him do what I did!

_Jessie._ But you were used to hardships, Dad!

_Dad._ Used to it? Of course I was--and why shouldn't _he_ be? Why
is he too good to work like other men?

_Jessie (pleading)_ Oh, Dad--_(Sudden loud sounds in Real-play,
Right; piano and voices shouting chorus of the latest rag-time.
Play-play fades instantly.)_

_Will._ Hell and damnation! There go the devils with their
coon-songs! _(leaps up with distracted gestures)_ Oh! Oh! Oh!

_Peggy (laughing, runs to window--and tries to close it; sounds
continue)._

_Will._ The monsters! The fiends! The satellites of Satan!

_Peggy. (laughing)._ The window's stuck! Come put it down, dear.

_Will._ The window's always stuck when that mad-house opens up!

_Bill (waking)._ Ah----

_Will._ What's that?

_Peggy._ It's Bill waking _(runs to him)._

_Bill (sitting up)._ Oh!

_Peggy._ They woke you up, dear!

_Bill._ I'm glad of it!

_Will._ Hello! Bill!

_Bill._ Oh, hello! You got back, did you!

_Will._ Yes.

_Bill._ Say, Will, listen to the music!

_Will._ I hear it.

_Bill (delightedly)._ Gee! That's great, ain't it?

_Will._ You like it?

Bill. You bet I like it! Say, I know that tune! The beggar-kid sings
it every time he comes. _(Sits up in bed and keeps time with his
finger. Chorus begins and he joins in at the top of his voice.)_

CURTAIN






ACT II.





_Scene: The attic, afternoon of the next day. The set of the
Playplay is a cheap Third Avenue restaurant. Entrance from the
street Center, also window with cashier's desk beside it. Tables up
stage, from Right to Left. Entrance to kitchen Left. Clock on wall
shows 11:30._

_At rise: The Real-play, with Bill Right on the fire-escape, sitting
on mattress taken from his cot. Will Left with Mss. at desk. Peggy
talking to Bill. She wears a "bungalow-apron," covering a waitress's
costume for quick change._

_Peggy_. That's a dandy big fire-escape to play on!

_Bill_. You bet!

_Peggy_. You've got all your blocks?

_Bill_. Yes, Peggy.

_Peggy_. And your picture-books?

_Bill_. Yes, Peggy.

_Peggy_. And you won't lean over the railing?

_Bill_. I won't.

_Peggy_ (_to Will_). Now to the Pot-boiler!

_Will_. It's a shame to keep the child out there on the fire-escape.

_Peggy_. He'll be all right, dear. It's the coolest place there is.

_Will_. If only we could get him to the park--

_Peggy_. I know, but we can't. (_Sits at table._) Now--you've got
the second act already?

_Will_. Yes. Read it, and I'll get the dishes washed for you. (_Exit
left_.)

_Peggy_ (_reads manuscript_). What's this? You've got a
drop-curtain?

_Will_ (_off; rattling dishes_). Yes; I want to show Jack's
adventures. Read the directions.

_Peggy_ (_reads_). Jack has been hunting a job, and has been unable
to find one. The drop-curtain shows a street-scene. (_The Play-play
begins to loom, as described._) A row of houses, just off Fifth
Avenue, having the front door on the street level in the modern
fashion. It is evening, and the ground is covered with snow. The
snow-shoveller is at work Right. His feet and hands are tied with
rags and his face is red with cold. (_The Play-play in full light._)

_Jack_ (_enters Left in hobo-overcoat, shuffling, and dejected_). I
beg your pardon--

_Shoveller_. Hey?

_Jack_. I beg your pardon--

_Shoveller_. What the devil ye beggin' me pardon for?

_Jack_. I--I want to know--is that your shovel?

_Shoveller_. Whose d'ye think it is?

_Jack_. I mean--where did you get it?

_Shoveller_ (_bridling_). You mean I stole it?

_Jack_. No--no! I mean, I'd like to get one. (_The other pays no
heed._) You see, I'm up against it, and I thought perhaps I could
earn money shovelling snow. I'd like to get a shovel. (_The other
still pays no heed._) You wouldn't like to rent it for a while,
would you?

_Shoveller_ (_with mock merriment_). And me live on me income, hey?

_Jack. I might help you, perhaps--

_Shoveller_. Say, young fellow, if you really want to help me, get a
hot water bottle an' hold it to me feet!

_Jack (stands nonplussed, then turns away Left; as he is about to
exit he changes his mind, and rings the bell at the door of a house
Left. Butler comes_) I beg pardon--

_Butler_. Well, what d'ya want?

_Jack_. Could I shovel the snow off your sidewalk?

_Butler_ (_fiercely_). What d'ye mean by comin' to the front door?

_Jack_. Oh, I forgot.

_Butler_. Gow an with ye!

_Jack_. Won't you give me a chance?

_Butler_. Where's your shovel?

_Jack_. Why--I haven't a shovel.

_Butler_. Well, what d'ya mean to use? Your hands?

_Jack_. I thought you might lend me--

_Butler_. Lend you! And me standin' out in the snow to watch ye
return it, hey?

_Jack_ (_humbly_). I won't steal anything. I'm trying honestly to
earn the price of a shovel.

_Butler_. If ye didn't spend your money in drink, ye might have the
price.

_Jack_. I haven't had anything to drink--nor anything to eat either.

_Butler_. Well, we ain't runnin' no breadline 'ere. Get along with
ye! _(Slams door.)_

_Jack (stands shaking his head meditatively)_ Gee! This is a cold
world!

_Shoveller_. Say, young fellow! I'll tell ye what to do.

_Jack_. What's that?

_Shoveller_. Come back in August. Ye'll find it warmer.

_Jack (wanders off muttering to himself)._ I've got to get a shovel!

_Bill (appears at window Right)_. Say, Peggy! _(The Play-play
vanishes.)_

_Peggy_. What is it, dear?

_Bill_. Can I have my paper soldiers?

_Peggy_. Yes, dear. _(Hurries to get them.)_ Now be quiet, Bill. I'm
busy now.

_Bill_. Where is Will?

_Peggy_. Washing the dishes.

_Bill_. Can't I help him?

_Peggy_. No, dear--we've got to talk about this play we're writing.
Here are the soldiers.

_Bill_. All right. _(Exit Right.)_

_Peggy (goes to entrance Left where dishes are heard rattling)_. How
are you making out?

_Will (off Left)_. What do you think of my opening scenes?

_Peggy_. Why, I think they could be better. You see, Will, you don't
really know anything about snow-shovellers or butlers.

_Will_ (_appears_ in doorway Left, wiping a dish_). I've got a real
character for the next scene at least. I used Bill!

_Peggy_. For heaven's sake!

_Will_. As a street-gamin.

_Peggy_. But Bill's not like a street-gamin. Such a child is full of
slang.

_Will_. I thought of what Bill might have been if he'd been turned
out to shift for himself. I imagined the soul of a street-gamin in
the body of our Bill.

_Peggy_. That sounds rather terrible. (_A pause_.) By the way, Will!
That love-interest you said was to come! Where is it?

_Will_. I've hardly got into the act yet.

_Peggy_. Well, you'd better get into your love-interest!

_Will_. The next scene is to be another dropcurtain. A restaurant.
I'm using that one down our street. Read it. (_He disappears Left.
The Play-play begins to appear_.)

_Peggy_ (_reads_). Scene shows a cheap restaurant on Third Avenue.
Piles of shredded wheat and charlotte russe in the windows. Night
scene, snow on ground. (_Full light on the Play-play_.)

_Bill_ (_wanders on Right, stops and gazes into window_). Gee, but
that's great lookin' shredded wheat!

_Jack_ (_enters Left, dejected-looking, and joins Bill_). You
hungry, too, kid?

_Bill._ I could eat the whole hay-stack at one meal. (_Moves along
to another part of the window._) Holy smoke, if they'd turn me loose
in them charlotte-russes!

_Jack._ I wonder how many charlotte russes a man could eat at one
meal.

_Bill._ Say, I wisht I was a rich man! I'd go youse a race at 'em!
(_A silence; turns away._) Gee, I can't bear to look at 'em any
more!

_Jack_ (_joins him down stage_). When did you eat last?

_Bill._ I had sinkers and coffee this mornin'. What did youse have?

_Jack._ I had a glass of water in the public library.

_Bill._ Hully gee! And when did youse eat last?

_Jack._ Yesterday morning I had a slice of bread.

_Bill_ (_startled_). Gawd a'mighty! That all?

_Jack._ True as gospel.

_Bill_ (_warming to him_). Why say! Youse _are_ up agin it!

_Jack._ I am, for fair.

_Bill._ What's the matter?

_Jack._ Can't find any work.

_Bill._ Work? T'hell with work! Why don't yous slam the gates?

_Jack._ Why don't I _what?_

_Bill._ I mean, why don't youse panhandle it?

_Jack._ I don't understand.

_Bill._ Gee! Where was youse raised--in the hayfields? I mean, why
don't youse git up a hard luck story?

_Jack._ Beg?

_Bill._ Sure!

_Jack._ I tried it some, but nobody'll listen to me.

_Bill._ Why, youse poor helpless orphan! Somebody ought to take
youse in hand and show youse.

_Jack (eagerly)._ Do you suppose you could do it?

_Bill._ Sure I could--teach youse in an hour or two!

_Jack (hesitatingly)._ But you don't make so very much yourself, do
you!

_Bill._ Sure I do--I got lots o' the stuff. Only I got a step-father
I have to keep full of booze. He'll be out lookin' for me now, I
reckon. _(Looks about sharply)._ Say, youse come back here after a
bit. I'll go an' get him spotted, an' then we'll frame up a good
hard-luck story, an' we'll get the price of that there hay-stack.
You get me, old pal?

_Jack._ Yes, I get you--only I'll freeze in the meantime.

_Bill._ Youse keep movin'. Hustle along now!

_Jack._ All right. _(Goes off Left stamping his feet, blowing his
fingers.)_

_Bill._ Youse come back now! Don't fergit! _(Stands looking after
Jack.)_ Gee! I like that guy!

_Peggy._ Will! _(Faint light on the Real-play.)_

_Will. (Off.)_ What is it?

_Peggy._ You're sending him off! But where's the heart interest?

_Will._ It's coming right now!

_Peggy._ What's it to be?

_Will (appears Left with dishes in arms)._ Why, dearest, there's
only one thing it could be!

_Peggy._ What is that?

_Will._ You know I have only one heart-interest!

_Peggy (looks at him, then rises and steps to him, with Mss. in her
hand)._ You dear, sweet boy?

_Will (steps back out of sight)._ Look out for my dishes! _(as Peggy
follows off, sounds of kisses heard)_ My heart-interest! My dear,
blessed heart-interest! My only heart-interest in the world! _(Full
light rises slowly on the Play-play. The door of restaurant opens,
and Peggy appears in the entrance, as Belle, with a waitress's
costume. She stands gazing out, as if getting breath of fresh air,
being ill. Then she draws back and closes the door.)_

_Jack (enters Left)._ Gee, I never thought it would be as bad as
this! _(goes to window of restaurant)_ I've got to get something to
eat--there's no use talking about it! I don't believe that kid is
coming back! I don't believe he could help me, anyway! _(wanders
back and forth again, goes to door, hesitates)_ I want something to
_eat!_ I don't care what happens, I can't stand it! _(enters door of
restaurant)._

_Bill (pokes head in from fire-escape)._ Say, Peggy! (_Play-play
fades._)

_Peggy (appears in doorway, Left, having Mss. in her hand)._ Oh,
Bill! You startled me so!

_Bill._ What's the matter?

_Peggy._ I thought you, were out in the snow!

_Bill._ In the SNOW.

_Peggy._ Why, you see--

_Bill._ Snow in the middle of July?

_Peggy._ Why, you see, dear, Will is writing a play, and the play is
supposed to be in winter, and he's got you in the snow.

_Bill (in excitement). Me? Me_ in Will's play!

_Peggy._ Yes.

_Bill._ Oh, say! What's he doin' to me?

_Peggy._ I'll tell you all about it when he's finished.

_Bill._ Say! I got to see that play!

_Peggy._ Oh, surely!

_Bill (seriously)._ Suppose I don't like what he's done to me!

_Peggy (to Will, who appears Left, wiping a dish)._ Another critic,
Will! (_to Bill_) Now you must let us alone. Climb out, dear, and
don't disturb us again until we're done.

_Bill._ All right. I'll hold my breath (_climbs out_).

_Will._ Well, what do you think of it?

_Peggy._ Let's go on; I want to see more. (_They sit at the desk._)

_Will._ The next is the interior of the restaurant. You know just
how it looks--the one down our street. I've got to use two more
characters from real life. First, that big Irish policeman on our
beat. I must talk to him some more and make sure I've got his
dialect right.

_Peggy._ You never would have talked to him at all, if I hadn't put
you up to it!

_Will._ Then, there's the restaurant keeper. For him I took Schmidt,
our grocer.

_Peggy._ You _have_ to talk to Schmidt--because we can't pay his
bills!

_Will._ I see him sitting at the cashier's desk, reading a paper.
_(Interior of restaurant, with Schmidt.)_ It's nearly midnight, you
see, and there's only one customer. _(Full light on Play-play. Peggy
and Will make quick secret exit.)_

_Schmidt._ Vell, dis is vun bad night for business! _(Customer
grunts, having mouth full.)_ I tink ve have too much snow already
dis vinter! _(Customer grunts again.)_ You have some dessert, sir?
Vere is dot vaitress hey? _(Calls.)_ Hey, you! Belle!

_Belle (off Left)._ Yes, sir!

_Schmidt._ Vy you don't stay in de room by de customers? Hey?

_Belle (enters, evidently weak and ill, supports herself by the
chair)._ I--I was busy, sir.

_Schmidt._ Vell, you stay busy by de customers!

_Jack (enters from street, hesitating)._ I beg pardon--

_Schmidt._ Hey?

_Jack._ Can I get something to eat?

_Schmidt._ Vy not?

_Jack._ It's late.

_Schmidt._ Ve close by midnight.

_Jack. (hesitates again, looks at clock, then goes to table. Belle
brings napkin, etc., mechanically. He looks at card)._ I'll have a
beef-stew. _(Hesitates.)_ I think I'll have a double order.

_Belle._ Yes, sir.

_Jack._ And a cup of coffee.

_Belle._ Yes, sir. _(Goes Left feebly. Customer rises, pays check
and exit. Belle brings order, and Jack begins to eat voraciously.
Suddenly Belle staggers and catches at a chair. He starts.)_

_Jack._ Why, you're ill!

_Belle (faintly)._ No, sir! No!

_Jack._ But you are!

_Belle (gazing in terror at Schmidt, who is reading)._ Ssh! Mr.
Schmidt will hear you.

_Jack (hesitates, then begins to eat again, but keeping an eye on
Belle, who makes desperate efforts to keep steady)._

_Schmidt (looks up from paper, gazes through window and rises)._ Vat
for a night for business! _(Goes Left, yawning; exit.)_

_Jack (still eating rapidly)._ You _have_ to work?

_Belle_. Of course!

_Jack_. Have you no friends--no people?

_Belle_ (_hesitates_). I'm not supposed to talk to customers.

_Jack_. But I'm asking you questions.

_Belle_ (_gazing nervously Left_). Yes, but I mustn't talk. (_She
clutches chair_.)

_Jack_ (_springs up_). My God, you're done up. Sit down.

_Belle_ (_in terror_). No, no, no! He'll hear you! He'd not keep me
if he thought I was sick.

_Jack_. Damn his soul! Have you no one to take care of you?

_Belle_. I have a sister, sir. But she can't earn enough for two.
Please let me be.

_Jack_. Poor little girl!

_Belle_. I'll be all right. It's near closing time. I'm
tired--that's all.

_Jack_. What time do you come on?

_Belle_. At ten o'clock, sir.

_Jack_. What, in the morning?

_Belle_. Yes.

_Jack_. Fourteen hours! And you have to stand up?

_Belle_. Of course.

_Jack_. The whole time?

_Belle_. Oh, no! I have time for two meals.

_Jack_. And that's all?

_Belle_. It's the same everywhere, sir. They don't like you to sit
down. It wouldn't look right. (_Seeing Schmidt entering Left_). Will
you have some dessert, sir?

_Jack_. No, not yet. (_He finishes food, then turns to Schmidt,
hesitatingly_.) See here, my friend.

_Belle_ (_in terror_). No, no!

_Jack_ (_waving her aside_). I'm sorry, my friend, but I'm afraid
you'll have to have me arrested.

_Schmidt_. Hey? Vot?

_Jack_. You'll have to have me arrested.

_Schmidt_. Vot you mean?

_Jack_. I mean--I've eaten a meal and I haven't any money to pay for
it.

_Schmidt_. No money!

_Jack_. Not a cent.

_Schmidt_. Aber--vy--how you dare?

_Jack_. I was starving. I have walked the streets for two days
begging for work, and I can't find any. I am wet, chilled to the
bone, exhausted. Look at me----

_Schmidt_ (_in excitement_). Vot I got to do mit your looks?

_Jack_. I had to have something to eat.

_Schmidt_. But vy should _I_ feed you? Vy you come by _me_?

_Jack_. I'll work for you, if I may.

_Schmidt_. Vork? I don't vant no vork! I got all the vork as I need.
I vant customers!