To return from this digression.  When I asserted that the Yahoos
were the only governing animals in my country, which my master said
was altogether past his conception, he desired to know, "whether we
had Houyhnhnms among us, and what was their employment?"  I told
him, "we had great numbers; that in summer they grazed in the
fields, and in winter were kept in houses with hay and oats, where
Yahoo servants were employed to rub their skins smooth, comb their
manes, pick their feet, serve them with food, and make their beds."
"I understand you well," said my master:  "it is now very plain,
from all you have spoken, that whatever share of reason the Yahoos
pretend to, the Houyhnhnms are your masters; I heartily wish our
Yahoos would be so tractable."  I begged "his honour would please
to excuse me from proceeding any further, because I was very
certain that the account he expected from me would be highly
displeasing."  But he insisted in commanding me to let him know the
best and the worst.  I told him "he should be obeyed."  I owned
"that the Houyhnhnms among us, whom we called horses, were the most
generous and comely animals we had; that they excelled in strength
and swiftness; and when they belonged to persons of quality, were
employed in travelling, racing, or drawing chariots; they were
treated with much kindness and care, till they fell into diseases,
or became foundered in the feet; but then they were sold, and used
to all kind of drudgery till they died; after which their skins
were stripped, and sold for what they were worth, and their bodies
left to be devoured by dogs and birds of prey.  But the common race
of horses had not so good fortune, being kept by farmers and
carriers, and other mean people, who put them to greater labour,
and fed them worse."  I described, as well as I could, our way of
riding; the shape and use of a bridle, a saddle, a spur, and a
whip; of harness and wheels.  I added, "that we fastened plates of
a certain hard substance, called iron, at the bottom of their feet,
to preserve their hoofs from being broken by the stony ways, on
which we often travelled."

My master, after some expressions of great indignation, wondered
"how we dared to venture upon a Houyhnhnm's back; for he was sure,
that the weakest servant in his house would be able to shake off
the strongest Yahoo; or by lying down and rolling on his back,
squeeze the brute to death."  I answered "that our horses were
trained up, from three or four years old, to the several uses we
intended them for; that if any of them proved intolerably vicious,
they were employed for carriages; that they were severely beaten,
while they were young, for any mischievous tricks; that the males,
designed for the common use of riding or draught, were generally
castrated about two years after their birth, to take down their
spirits, and make them more tame and gentle; that they were indeed
sensible of rewards and punishments; but his honour would please to
consider, that they had not the least tincture of reason, any more
than the Yahoos in this country."

It put me to the pains of many circumlocutions, to give my master a
right idea of what I spoke; for their language does not abound in
variety of words, because their wants and passions are fewer than
among us.  But it is impossible to express his noble resentment at
our savage treatment of the Houyhnhnm race; particularly after I
had explained the manner and use of castrating horses among us, to
hinder them from propagating their kind, and to render them more
servile.  He said, "if it were possible there could be any country
where Yahoos alone were endued with reason, they certainly must be
the governing animal; because reason in time will always prevail
against brutal strength.  But, considering the frame of our bodies,
and especially of mine, he thought no creature of equal bulk was so
ill-contrived for employing that reason in the common offices of
life;" whereupon he desired to know whether those among whom I
lived resembled me, or the Yahoos of his country?"  I assured him,
"that I was as well shaped as most of my age; but the younger, and
the females, were much more soft and tender, and the skins of the
latter generally as white as milk."  He said, "I differed indeed
from other Yahoos, being much more cleanly, and not altogether so
deformed; but, in point of real advantage, he thought I differed
for the worse:  that my nails were of no use either to my fore or
hinder feet; as to my fore feet, he could not properly call them by
that name, for he never observed me to walk upon them; that they
were too soft to bear the ground; that I generally went with them
uncovered; neither was the covering I sometimes wore on them of the
same shape, or so strong as that on my feet behind:  that I could
not walk with any security, for if either of my hinder feet
slipped, I must inevitably fail."  He then began to find fault with
other parts of my body:  "the flatness of my face, the prominence
of my nose, mine eyes placed directly in front, so that I could not
look on either side without turning my head:  that I was not able
to feed myself, without lifting one of my fore-feet to my mouth:
and therefore nature had placed those joints to answer that
necessity.  He knew not what could be the use of those several
clefts and divisions in my feet behind; that these were too soft to
bear the hardness and sharpness of stones, without a covering made
from the skin of some other brute; that my whole body wanted a
fence against heat and cold, which I was forced to put on and off
every day, with tediousness and trouble:  and lastly, that he
observed every animal in this country naturally to abhor the
Yahoos, whom the weaker avoided, and the stronger drove from them.
So that, supposing us to have the gift of reason, he could not see
how it were possible to cure that natural antipathy, which every
creature discovered against us; nor consequently how we could tame
and render them serviceable.  However, he would," as he said,
"debate the matter no farther, because he was more desirous to know
my own story, the country where I was born, and the several actions
and events of my life, before I came hither."

I assured him, "how extremely desirous I was that he should be
satisfied on every point; but I doubted much, whether it would be
possible for me to explain myself on several subjects, whereof his
honour could have no conception; because I saw nothing in his
country to which I could resemble them; that, however, I would do
my best, and strive to express myself by similitudes, humbly
desiring his assistance when I wanted proper words;" which he was
pleased to promise me.

I said, "my birth was of honest parents, in an island called
England; which was remote from his country, as many days' journey
as the strongest of his honour's servants could travel in the
annual course of the sun; that I was bred a surgeon, whose trade it
is to cure wounds and hurts in the body, gotten by accident or
violence; that my country was governed by a female man, whom we
called queen; that I left it to get riches, whereby I might
maintain myself and family, when I should return; that, in my last
voyage, I was commander of the ship, and had about fifty Yahoos
under me, many of which died at sea, and I was forced to supply
them by others picked out from several nations; that our ship was
twice in danger of being sunk, the first time by a great storm, and
the second by striking against a rock."  Here my master interposed,
by asking me, "how I could persuade strangers, out of different
countries, to venture with me, after the losses I had sustained,
and the hazards I had run?"  I said, "they were fellows of
desperate fortunes, forced to fly from the places of their birth on
account of their poverty or their crimes.  Some were undone by
lawsuits; others spent all they had in drinking, whoring, and
gaming; others fled for treason; many for murder, theft, poisoning,
robbery, perjury, forgery, coining false money, for committing
rapes, or sodomy; for flying from their colours, or deserting to
the enemy; and most of them had broken prison; none of these durst
return to their native countries, for fear of being hanged, or of
starving in a jail; and therefore they were under the necessity of
seeking a livelihood in other places."

During this discourse, my master was pleased to interrupt me
several times.  I had made use of many circumlocutions in
describing to him the nature of the several crimes for which most
of our crew had been forced to fly their country.  This labour took
up several days' conversation, before he was able to comprehend me.
He was wholly at a loss to know what could be the use or necessity
of practising those vices.  To clear up which, I endeavoured to
give some ideas of the desire of power and riches; of the terrible
effects of lust, intemperance, malice, and envy.  All this I was
forced to define and describe by putting cases and making
suppositions.  After which, like one whose imagination was struck
with something never seen or heard of before, he would lift up his
eyes with amazement and indignation.  Power, government, war, law,
punishment, and a thousand other things, had no terms wherein that
language could express them, which made the difficulty almost
insuperable, to give my master any conception of what I meant.  But
being of an excellent understanding, much improved by contemplation
and converse, he at last arrived at a competent knowledge of what
human nature, in our parts of the world, is capable to perform, and
desired I would give him some particular account of that land which
we call Europe, but especially of my own country.



CHAPTER V.



[The author at his master's command, informs him of the state of
England. The causes of war among the princes of Europe.  The author
begins to explain the English constitution.]

The reader may please to observe, that the following extract of
many conversations I had with my master, contains a summary of the
most material points which were discoursed at several times for
above two years; his honour often desiring fuller satisfaction, as
I farther improved in the Houyhnhnm tongue.  I laid before him, as
well as I could, the whole state of Europe; I discoursed of trade
and manufactures, of arts and sciences; and the answers I gave to
all the questions he made, as they arose upon several subjects,
were a fund of conversation not to be exhausted.  But I shall here
only set down the substance of what passed between us concerning my
own country, reducing it in order as well as I can, without any
regard to time or other circumstances, while I strictly adhere to
truth.  My only concern is, that I shall hardly be able to do
justice to my master's arguments and expressions, which must needs
suffer by my want of capacity, as well as by a translation into our
barbarous English.

In obedience, therefore, to his honour's commands, I related to him
the Revolution under the Prince of Orange; the long war with
France, entered into by the said prince, and renewed by his
successor, the present queen, wherein the greatest powers of
Christendom were engaged, and which still continued:  I computed,
at his request, "that about a million of Yahoos might have been
killed in the whole progress of it; and perhaps a hundred or more
cities taken, and five times as many ships burnt or sunk."

He asked me, "what were the usual causes or motives that made one
country go to war with another?"  I answered "they were
innumerable; but I should only mention a few of the chief.
Sometimes the ambition of princes, who never think they have land
or people enough to govern; sometimes the corruption of ministers,
who engage their master in a war, in order to stifle or divert the
clamour of the subjects against their evil administration.
Difference in opinions has cost many millions of lives:  for
instance, whether flesh be bread, or bread be flesh; whether the
juice of a certain berry be blood or wine; whether whistling be a
vice or a virtue; whether it be better to kiss a post, or throw it
into the fire; what is the best colour for a coat, whether black,
white, red, or gray; and whether it should be long or short, narrow
or wide, dirty or clean; with many more.  Neither are any wars so
furious and bloody, or of so long a continuance, as those
occasioned by difference in opinion, especially if it be in things
indifferent.

"Sometimes the quarrel between two princes is to decide which of
them shall dispossess a third of his dominions, where neither of
them pretend to any right.  Sometimes one prince quarrels with
another for fear the other should quarrel with him.  Sometimes a
war is entered upon, because the enemy is too strong; and
sometimes, because he is too weak.  Sometimes our neighbours want
the things which we have, or have the things which we want, and we
both fight, till they take ours, or give us theirs.  It is a very
justifiable cause of a war, to invade a country after the people
have been wasted by famine, destroyed by pestilence, or embroiled
by factions among themselves.  It is justifiable to enter into war
against our nearest ally, when one of his towns lies convenient for
us, or a territory of land, that would render our dominions round
and complete.  If a prince sends forces into a nation, where the
people are poor and ignorant, he may lawfully put half of them to
death, and make slaves of the rest, in order to civilize and reduce
them from their barbarous way of living.  It is a very kingly,
honourable, and frequent practice, when one prince desires the
assistance of another, to secure him against an invasion, that the
assistant, when he has driven out the invader, should seize on the
dominions himself, and kill, imprison, or banish, the prince he
came to relieve.  Alliance by blood, or marriage, is a frequent
cause of war between princes; and the nearer the kindred is, the
greater their disposition to quarrel; poor nations are hungry, and
rich nations are proud; and pride and hunger will ever be at
variance.  For these reasons, the trade of a soldier is held the
most honourable of all others; because a soldier is a Yahoo hired
to kill, in cold blood, as many of his own species, who have never
offended him, as possibly he can.

"There is likewise a kind of beggarly princes in Europe, not able
to make war by themselves, who hire out their troops to richer
nations, for so much a day to each man; of which they keep three-
fourths to themselves, and it is the best part of their
maintenance:  such are those in many northern parts of Europe."

"What you have told me," said my master, "upon the subject of war,
does indeed discover most admirably the effects of that reason you
pretend to:  however, it is happy that the shame is greater than
the danger; and that nature has left you utterly incapable of doing
much mischief.  For, your mouths lying flat with your faces, you
can hardly bite each other to any purpose, unless by consent.  Then
as to the claws upon your feet before and behind, they are so short
and tender, that one of our Yahoos would drive a dozen of yours
before him.  And therefore, in recounting the numbers of those who
have been killed in battle, I cannot but think you have said the
thing which is not."

I could not forbear shaking my head, and smiling a little at his
ignorance.  And being no stranger to the art of war, I gave him a
description of cannons, culverins, muskets, carabines, pistols,
bullets, powder, swords, bayonets, battles, sieges, retreats,
attacks, undermines, countermines, bombardments, sea fights, ships
sunk with a thousand men, twenty thousand killed on each side,
dying groans, limbs flying in the air, smoke, noise, confusion,
trampling to death under horses' feet, flight, pursuit, victory;
fields strewed with carcases, left for food to dogs and wolves and
birds of prey; plundering, stripping, ravishing, burning, and
destroying.  And to set forth the valour of my own dear countrymen,
I assured him, "that I had seen them blow up a hundred enemies at
once in a siege, and as many in a ship, and beheld the dead bodies
drop down in pieces from the clouds, to the great diversion of the
spectators."

I was going on to more particulars, when my master commanded me
silence.  He said, "whoever understood the nature of Yahoos, might
easily believe it possible for so vile an animal to be capable of
every action I had named, if their strength and cunning equalled
their malice.  But as my discourse had increased his abhorrence of
the whole species, so he found it gave him a disturbance in his
mind to which he was wholly a stranger before.  He thought his
ears, being used to such abominable words, might, by degrees, admit
them with less detestation:  that although he hated the Yahoos of
this country, yet he no more blamed them for their odious
qualities, than he did a gnnayh (a bird of prey) for its cruelty,
or a sharp stone for cutting his hoof.  But when a creature
pretending to reason could be capable of such enormities, he
dreaded lest the corruption of that faculty might be worse than
brutality itself.  He seemed therefore confident, that, instead of
reason we were only possessed of some quality fitted to increase
our natural vices; as the reflection from a troubled stream returns
the image of an ill shapen body, not only larger but more
distorted."

He added, "that he had heard too much upon the subject of war, both
in this and some former discourses.  There was another point, which
a little perplexed him at present.  I had informed him, that some
of our crew left their country on account of being ruined by law;
that I had already explained the meaning of the word; but he was at
a loss how it should come to pass, that the law, which was intended
for every man's preservation, should be any man's ruin.  Therefore
he desired to be further satisfied what I meant by law, and the
dispensers thereof, according to the present practice in my own
country; because he thought nature and reason were sufficient
guides for a reasonable animal, as we pretended to be, in showing
us what he ought to do, and what to avoid."

I assured his honour, "that the law was a science in which I had
not much conversed, further than by employing advocates, in vain,
upon some injustices that had been done me:  however, I would give
him all the satisfaction I was able."

I said, "there was a society of men among us, bred up from their
youth in the art of proving, by words multiplied for the purpose,
that white is black, and black is white, according as they are
paid.  To this society all the rest of the people are slaves.  For
example, if my neighbour has a mind to my cow, he has a lawyer to
prove that he ought to have my cow from me.  I must then hire
another to defend my right, it being against all rules of law that
any man should be allowed to speak for himself.  Now, in this case,
I, who am the right owner, lie under two great disadvantages:
first, my lawyer, being practised almost from his cradle in
defending falsehood, is quite out of his element when he would be
an advocate for justice, which is an unnatural office he always
attempts with great awkwardness, if not with ill-will.  The second
disadvantage is, that my lawyer must proceed with great caution, or
else he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his
brethren, as one that would lessen the practice of the law.  And
therefore I have but two methods to preserve my cow.  The first is,
to gain over my adversary's lawyer with a double fee, who will then
betray his client by insinuating that he hath justice on his side.
The second way is for my lawyer to make my cause appear as unjust
as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my adversary:  and
this, if it be skilfully done, will certainly bespeak the favour of
the bench.  Now your honour is to know, that these judges are
persons appointed to decide all controversies of property, as well
as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from the most
dexterous lawyers, who are grown old or lazy; and having been
biassed all their lives against truth and equity, lie under such a
fatal necessity of favouring fraud, perjury, and oppression, that I
have known some of them refuse a large bribe from the side where
justice lay, rather than injure the faculty, by doing any thing
unbecoming their nature or their office.

"It is a maxim among these lawyers that whatever has been done
before, may legally be done again:  and therefore they take special
care to record all the decisions formerly made against common
justice, and the general reason of mankind.  These, under the name
of precedents, they produce as authorities to justify the most
iniquitous opinions; and the judges never fail of directing
accordingly.

"In pleading, they studiously avoid entering into the merits of the
cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all
circumstances which are not to the purpose.  For instance, in the
case already mentioned; they never desire to know what claim or
title my adversary has to my cow; but whether the said cow were red
or black; her horns long or short; whether the field I graze her in
be round or square; whether she was milked at home or abroad; what
diseases she is subject to, and the like; after which they consult
precedents, adjourn the cause from time to time, and in ten,
twenty, or thirty years, come to an issue.

"It is likewise to be observed, that this society has a peculiar
cant and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand,
and wherein all their laws are written, which they take special
care to multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very
essence of truth and falsehood, of right and wrong; so that it will
take thirty years to decide, whether the field left me by my
ancestors for six generations belongs to me, or to a stranger three
hundred miles off.

"In the trial of persons accused for crimes against the state, the
method is much more short and commendable:  the judge first sends
to sound the disposition of those in power, after which he can
easily hang or save a criminal, strictly preserving all due forms
of law."

Here my master interposing, said, "it was a pity, that creatures
endowed with such prodigious abilities of mind, as these lawyers,
by the description I gave of them, must certainly be, were not
rather encouraged to be instructors of others in wisdom and
knowledge."  In answer to which I assured his honour, "that in all
points out of their own trade, they were usually the most ignorant
and stupid generation among us, the most despicable in common
conversation, avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and
equally disposed to pervert the general reason of mankind in every
other subject of discourse as in that of their own profession."



CHAPTER VI.



[A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne.  The
character of a first minister of state in European courts.]

My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives could
incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary
themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for
the sake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he
comprehend what I meant in saying, they did it for hire.  Whereupon
I was at much pains to describe to him the use of money, the
materials it was made of, and the value of the metals; "that when a
Yahoo had got a great store of this precious substance, he was able
to purchase whatever he had a mind to; the finest clothing, the
noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most costly meats and
drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful females.
Therefore since money alone was able to perform all these feats,
our Yahoos thought they could never have enough of it to spend, or
to save, as they found themselves inclined, from their natural bent
either to profusion or avarice; that the rich man enjoyed the fruit
of the poor man's labour, and the latter were a thousand to one in
proportion to the former; that the bulk of our people were forced
to live miserably, by labouring every day for small wages, to make
a few live plentifully."

I enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to the
same purpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went upon a
supposition, that all animals had a title to their share in the
productions of the earth, and especially those who presided over
the rest.  Therefore he desired I would let him know, "what these
costly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them?"
Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts as came into my head, with the
various methods of dressing them, which could not be done without
sending vessels by sea to every part of the world, as well for
liquors to drink as for sauces and innumerable other conveniences.
I assured him "that this whole globe of earth must be at least
three times gone round before one of our better female Yahoos could
get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in."  He said "that must
needs be a miserable country which cannot furnish food for its own
inhabitants.  But what he chiefly wondered at was, how such vast
tracts of ground as I described should be wholly without fresh
water, and the people put to the necessity of sending over the sea
for drink."  I replied "that England (the dear place of my
nativity) was computed to produce three times the quantity of food
more than its inhabitants are able to consume, as well as liquors
extracted from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain trees,
which made excellent drink, and the same proportion in every other
convenience of life.  But, in order to feed the luxury and
intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we sent
away the greatest part of our necessary things to other countries,
whence, in return, we brought the materials of diseases, folly, and
vice, to spend among ourselves.  Hence it follows of necessity,
that vast numbers of our people are compelled to seek their
livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, cheating, pimping,
flattering, suborning, forswearing, forging, gaming, lying,
fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling, star-gazing, poisoning,
whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, and the like
occupations:" every one of which terms I was at much pains to make
him understand.

"That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to
supply the want of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort
of liquid which made us merry by putting us out of our senses,
diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant
imaginations in the brain, raised our hopes and banished our fears,
suspended every office of reason for a time, and deprived us of the
use of our limbs, till we fell into a profound sleep; although it
must be confessed, that we always awaked sick and dispirited; and
that the use of this liquor filled us with diseases which made our
lives uncomfortable and short.

"But beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves
by furnishing the necessities or conveniences of life to the rich
and to each other.  For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as
I ought to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred
tradesmen; the building and furniture of my house employ as many
more, and five times the number to adorn my wife."

I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get their
livelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some occasions,
informed his honour that many of my crew had died of diseases.  But
here it was with the utmost difficulty that I brought him to
apprehend what I meant.  "He could easily conceive, that a
Houyhnhnm, grew weak and heavy a few days before his death, or by
some accident might hurt a limb; but that nature, who works all
things to perfection, should suffer any pains to breed in our
bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know the reason of so
unaccountable an evil."

I told him "we fed on a thousand things which operated contrary to
each other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank without
the provocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights drinking strong
liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us to sloth, inflamed
our bodies, and precipitated or prevented digestion; that
prostitute female Yahoos acquired a certain malady, which bred
rottenness in the bones of those who fell into their embraces; that
this, and many other diseases, were propagated from father to son;
so that great numbers came into the world with complicated maladies
upon them; that it would be endless to give him a catalogue of all
diseases incident to human bodies, for they would not be fewer than
five or six hundred, spread over every limb and joint--in short,
every part, external and intestine, having diseases appropriated to
itself.  To remedy which, there was a sort of people bred up among
us in the profession, or pretence, of curing the sick.  And because
I had some skill in the faculty, I would, in gratitude to his
honour, let him know the whole mystery and method by which they
proceed.

"Their fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion;
whence they conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is
necessary, either through the natural passage or upwards at the
mouth.  Their next business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils,
shells, salts, juices, sea-weed, excrements, barks of trees,
serpents, toads, frogs, spiders, dead men's flesh and bones, birds,
beasts, and fishes, to form a composition, for smell and taste, the
most abominable, nauseous, and detestable, they can possibly
contrive, which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing, and
this they call a vomit; or else, from the same store-house, with
some other poisonous additions, they command us to take in at the
orifice above or below (just as the physician then happens to be
disposed) a medicine equally annoying and disgustful to the bowels;
which, relaxing the belly, drives down all before it; and this they
call a purge, or a clyster.  For nature (as the physicians allege)
having intended the superior anterior orifice only for the
intromission of solids and liquids, and the inferior posterior for
ejection, these artists ingeniously considering that in all
diseases nature is forced out of her seat, therefore, to replace
her in it, the body must be treated in a manner directly contrary,
by interchanging the use of each orifice; forcing solids and
liquids in at the anus, and making evacuations at the mouth.

"But, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are only
imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary cures;
these have their several names, and so have the drugs that are
proper for them; and with these our female Yahoos are always
infested.

"One great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at prognostics,
wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when
they rise to any degree of malignity, generally portending death,
which is always in their power, when recovery is not:  and
therefore, upon any unexpected signs of amendment, after they have
pronounced their sentence, rather than be accused as false
prophets, they know how to approve their sagacity to the world, by
a seasonable dose.

"They are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are
grown weary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great ministers of
state, and often to princes."

I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon the
nature of government in general, and particularly of our own
excellent constitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the whole
world.  But having here accidentally mentioned a minister of state,
he commanded me, some time after, to inform him, "what species of
Yahoo I particularly meant by that appellation."

I told him, "that a first or chief minister of state, who was the
person I intended to describe, was the creature wholly exempt from
joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least, makes use
of no other passions, but a violent desire of wealth, power, and
titles; that he applies his words to all uses, except to the
indication of his mind; that he never tells a truth but with an
intent that you should take it for a lie; nor a lie, but with a
design that you should take it for a truth; that those he speaks
worst of behind their backs are in the surest way of preferment;
and whenever he begins to praise you to others, or to yourself, you
are from that day forlorn.  The worst mark you can receive is a
promise, especially when it is confirmed with an oath; after which,
every wise man retires, and gives over all hopes.

"There are three methods, by which a man may rise to be chief
minister.  The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose
of a wife, a daughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or
undermining his predecessor; and the third is, by a furious zeal,
in public assemblies, against the corruption's of the court.  But a
wise prince would rather choose to employ those who practise the
last of these methods; because such zealots prove always the most
obsequious and subservient to the will and passions of their
master.  That these ministers, having all employments at their
disposal, preserve themselves in power, by bribing the majority of
a senate or great council; and at last, by an expedient, called an
act of indemnity" (whereof I described the nature to him), "they
secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire from the public
laden with the spoils of the nation.

"The palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in
his own trade:  the pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their
master, become ministers of state in their several districts, and
learn to excel in the three principal ingredients, of insolence,
lying, and bribery.  Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid
to them by persons of the best rank; and sometimes by the force of
dexterity and impudence, arrive, through several gradations, to be
successors to their lord.

"He is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite footman,
who are the tunnels through which all graces are conveyed, and may
properly be called, in the last resort, the governors of the
kingdom."

One day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the
nobility of my country, was pleased to make me a compliment which I
could not pretend to deserve:  "that he was sure I must have been
born of some noble family, because I far exceeded in shape, colour,
and cleanliness, all the Yahoos of his nation, although I seemed to
fail in strength and agility, which must be imputed to my different
way of living from those other brutes; and besides I was not only
endowed with the faculty of speech, but likewise with some
rudiments of reason, to a degree that, with all his acquaintance, I
passed for a prodigy."

He made me observe, "that among the Houyhnhnms, the white, the
sorrel, and the iron-gray, were not so exactly shaped as the bay,
the dapple-gray, and the black; nor born with equal talents of
mind, or a capacity to improve them; and therefore continued always
in the condition of servants, without ever aspiring to match out of
their own race, which in that country would be reckoned monstrous
and unnatural."

I made his honour my most humble acknowledgments for the good
opinion he was pleased to conceive of me, but assured him at the
same time, "that my birth was of the lower sort, having been born
of plain honest parents, who were just able to give me a tolerable
education; that nobility, among us, was altogether a different
thing from the idea he had of it; that our young noblemen are bred
from their childhood in idleness and luxury; that, as soon as years
will permit, they consume their vigour, and contract odious
diseases among lewd females; and when their fortunes are almost
ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth, disagreeable person,
and unsound constitution (merely for the sake of money), whom they
hate and despise.  That the productions of such marriages are
generally scrofulous, rickety, or deformed children; by which means
the family seldom continues above three generations, unless the
wife takes care to provide a healthy father, among her neighbours
or domestics, in order to improve and continue the breed.  That a
weak diseased body, a meagre countenance, and sallow complexion,
are the true marks of noble blood; and a healthy robust appearance
is so disgraceful in a man of quality, that the world concludes his
real father to have been a groom or a coachman.  The imperfections
of his mind run parallel with those of his body, being a
composition of spleen, dullness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality,
and pride.

"Without the consent of this illustrious body, no law can be
enacted, repealed, or altered:  and these nobles have likewise the
decision of all our possessions, without appeal." {6}



CHAPTER VII.



[The author's great love of his native country.  His master's
observations upon the constitution and administration of England,
as described by the author, with parallel cases and comparisons.
His master's observations upon human nature.]

The reader may be disposed to wonder how I could prevail on myself
to give so free a representation of my own species, among a race of
mortals who are already too apt to conceive the vilest opinion of
humankind, from that entire congruity between me and their Yahoos.
But I must freely confess, that the many virtues of those excellent
quadrupeds, placed in opposite view to human corruptions, had so
far opened my eyes and enlarged my understanding, that I began to
view the actions and passions of man in a very different light, and
to think the honour of my own kind not worth managing; which,
besides, it was impossible for me to do, before a person of so
acute a judgment as my master, who daily convinced me of a thousand
faults in myself, whereof I had not the least perception before,
and which, with us, would never be numbered even among human
infirmities.  I had likewise learned, from his example, an utter
detestation of all falsehood or disguise; and truth appeared so
amiable to me, that I determined upon sacrificing every thing to
it.

Let me deal so candidly with the reader as to confess that there
was yet a much stronger motive for the freedom I took in my
representation of things.  I had not yet been a year in this
country before I contracted such a love and veneration for the
inhabitants, that I entered on a firm resolution never to return to
humankind, but to pass the rest of my life among these admirable
Houyhnhnms, in the contemplation and practice of every virtue,
where I could have no example or incitement to vice.  But it was
decreed by fortune, my perpetual enemy, that so great a felicity
should not fall to my share.  However, it is now some comfort to
reflect, that in what I said of my countrymen, I extenuated their
faults as much as I durst before so strict an examiner; and upon
every article gave as favourable a turn as the matter would bear.
For, indeed, who is there alive that will not be swayed by his bias
and partiality to the place of his birth?

I have related the substance of several conversations I had with my
master during the greatest part of the time I had the honour to be
in his service; but have, indeed, for brevity sake, omitted much
more than is here set down.

When I had answered all his questions, and his curiosity seemed to
be fully satisfied, he sent for me one morning early, and commanded
me to sit down at some distance (an honour which he had never
before conferred upon me).  He said, "he had been very seriously
considering my whole story, as far as it related both to myself and
my country; that he looked upon us as a sort of animals, to whose
share, by what accident he could not conjecture, some small
pittance of reason had fallen, whereof we made no other use, than
by its assistance, to aggravate our natural corruptions, and to
acquire new ones, which nature had not given us; that we disarmed
ourselves of the few abilities she had bestowed; had been very
successful in multiplying our original wants, and seemed to spend
our whole lives in vain endeavours to supply them by our own
inventions; that, as to myself, it was manifest I had neither the
strength nor agility of a common Yahoo; that I walked infirmly on
my hinder feet; had found out a contrivance to make my claws of no
use or defence, and to remove the hair from my chin, which was
intended as a shelter from the sun and the weather:  lastly, that I
could neither run with speed, nor climb trees like my brethren," as
he called them, "the Yahoos in his country.

"That our institutions of government and law were plainly owing to
our gross defects in reason, and by consequence in virtue; because
reason alone is sufficient to govern a rational creature; which
was, therefore, a character we had no pretence to challenge, even
from the account I had given of my own people; although he
manifestly perceived, that, in order to favour them, I had
concealed many particulars, and often said the thing which was not.

"He was the more confirmed in this opinion, because, he observed,
that as I agreed in every feature of my body with other Yahoos,
except where it was to my real disadvantage in point of strength,
speed, and activity, the shortness of my claws, and some other
particulars where nature had no part; so from the representation I
had given him of our lives, our manners, and our actions, he found
as near a resemblance in the disposition of our minds."  He said,
"the Yahoos were known to hate one another, more than they did any
different species of animals; and the reason usually assigned was,
the odiousness of their own shapes, which all could see in the
rest, but not in themselves.  He had therefore begun to think it
not unwise in us to cover our bodies, and by that invention conceal
many of our deformities from each other, which would else be hardly
supportable.  But he now found he had been mistaken, and that the
dissensions of those brutes in his country were owing to the same
cause with ours, as I had described them.  For if," said he, "you
throw among five Yahoos as much food as would be sufficient for
fifty, they will, instead of eating peaceably, fall together by the
ears, each single one impatient to have all to itself; and
therefore a servant was usually employed to stand by while they
were feeding abroad, and those kept at home were tied at a distance
from each other:  that if a cow died of age or accident, before a
Houyhnhnm could secure it for his own Yahoos, those in the
neighbourhood would come in herds to seize it, and then would ensue
such a battle as I had described, with terrible wounds made by
their claws on both sides, although they seldom were able to kill
one another, for want of such convenient instruments of death as we
had invented.  At other times, the like battles have been fought
between the Yahoos of several neighbourhoods, without any visible
cause; those of one district watching all opportunities to surprise
the next, before they are prepared.  But if they find their project
has miscarried, they return home, and, for want of enemies, engage
in what I call a civil war among themselves.

"That in some fields of his country there are certain shining
stones of several colours, whereof the Yahoos are violently fond:
and when part of these stones is fixed in the earth, as it
sometimes happens, they will dig with their claws for whole days to
get them out; then carry them away, and hide them by heaps in their
kennels; but still looking round with great caution, for fear their
comrades should find out their treasure."  My master said, "he
could never discover the reason of this unnatural appetite, or how
these stones could be of any use to a Yahoo; but now he believed it
might proceed from the same principle of avarice which I had
ascribed to mankind.  That he had once, by way of experiment,
privately removed a heap of these stones from the place where one
of his Yahoos had buried it; whereupon the sordid animal, missing
his treasure, by his loud lamenting brought the whole herd to the
place, there miserably howled, then fell to biting and tearing the
rest, began to pine away, would neither eat, nor sleep, nor work,
till he ordered a servant privately to convey the stones into the
same hole, and hide them as before; which, when his Yahoo had
found, he presently recovered his spirits and good humour, but took
good care to remove them to a better hiding place, and has ever
since been a very serviceable brute."

My master further assured me, which I also observed myself, "that
in the fields where the shining stones abound, the fiercest and
most frequent battles are fought, occasioned by perpetual inroads
of the neighbouring Yahoos."

He said, "it was common, when two Yahoos discovered such a stone in
a field, and were contending which of them should be the
proprietor, a third would take the advantage, and carry it away
from them both;" which my master would needs contend to have some
kind of resemblance with our suits at law; wherein I thought it for
our credit not to undeceive him; since the decision he mentioned
was much more equitable than many decrees among us; because the
plaintiff and defendant there lost nothing beside the stone they
contended for:  whereas our courts of equity would never have
dismissed the cause, while either of them had any thing left.

My master, continuing his discourse, said, "there was nothing that
rendered the Yahoos more odious, than their undistinguishing
appetite to devour every thing that came in their way, whether
herbs, roots, berries, the corrupted flesh of animals, or all
mingled together:  and it was peculiar in their temper, that they
were fonder of what they could get by rapine or stealth, at a
greater distance, than much better food provided for them at home.
If their prey held out, they would eat till they were ready to
burst; after which, nature had pointed out to them a certain root
that gave them a general evacuation.

"There was also another kind of root, very juicy, but somewhat rare
and difficult to be found, which the Yahoos sought for with much
eagerness, and would suck it with great delight; it produced in
them the same effects that wine has upon us.  It would make them
sometimes hug, and sometimes tear one another; they would howl, and
grin, and chatter, and reel, and tumble, and then fall asleep in
the mud."

I did indeed observe that the Yahoos were the only animals in this
country subject to any diseases; which, however, were much fewer
than horses have among us, and contracted, not by any ill-treatment
they meet with, but by the nastiness and greediness of that sordid
brute.  Neither has their language any more than a general
appellation for those maladies, which is borrowed from the name of
the beast, and called hnea-yahoo, or Yahoo's evil; and the cure
prescribed is a mixture of their own dung and urine, forcibly put
down the Yahoo's throat.  This I have since often known to have
been taken with success, and do here freely recommend it to my
countrymen for the public good, as an admirable specific against
all diseases produced by repletion.

"As to learning, government, arts, manufactures, and the like," my
master confessed, "he could find little or no resemblance between
the Yahoos of that country and those in ours; for he only meant to
observe what parity there was in our natures.  He had heard,
indeed, some curious Houyhnhnms observe, that in most herds there
was a sort of ruling Yahoo (as among us there is generally some
leading or principal stag in a park), who was always more deformed
in body, and mischievous in disposition, than any of the rest; that
this leader had usually a favourite as like himself as he could
get, whose employment was to lick his master's feet and posteriors,
and drive the female Yahoos to his kennel; for which he was now and
then rewarded with a piece of ass's flesh.  This favourite is hated
by the whole herd, and therefore, to protect himself, keeps always
near the person of his leader.  He usually continues in office till
a worse can be found; but the very moment he is discarded, his
successor, at the head of all the Yahoos in that district, young
and old, male and female, come in a body, and discharge their
excrements upon him from head to foot.  But how far this might be
applicable to our courts, and favourites, and ministers of state,
my master said I could best determine."

I durst make no return to this malicious insinuation, which debased
human understanding below the sagacity of a common hound, who has
judgment enough to distinguish and follow the cry of the ablest dog
in the pack, without being ever mistaken.

My master told me, "there were some qualities remarkable in the
Yahoos, which he had not observed me to mention, or at least very
slightly, in the accounts I had given of humankind."  He said,
"those animals, like other brutes, had their females in common; but
in this they differed, that the she Yahoo would admit the males
while she was pregnant; and that the hes would quarrel and fight
with the females, as fiercely as with each other; both which
practices were such degrees of infamous brutality, as no other
sensitive creature ever arrived at.

"Another thing he wondered at in the Yahoos, was their strange
disposition to nastiness and dirt; whereas there appears to be a
natural love of cleanliness in all other animals."  As to the two
former accusations, I was glad to let them pass without any reply,
because I had not a word to offer upon them in defence of my
species, which otherwise I certainly had done from my own
inclinations.  But I could have easily vindicated humankind from
the imputation of singularity upon the last article, if there had
been any swine in that country (as unluckily for me there were
not), which, although it may be a sweeter quadruped than a Yahoo,
cannot, I humbly conceive, in justice, pretend to more cleanliness;
and so his honour himself must have owned, if he had seen their
filthy way of feeding, and their custom of wallowing and sleeping
in the mud.