The country is well inhabited, for it contains fifty-one cities,
near a hundred walled towns, and a great number of villages.  To
satisfy my curious reader, it may be sufficient to describe
Lorbrulgrud.  This city stands upon almost two equal parts, on each
side the river that passes through.  It contains above eighty
thousand houses, and about six hundred thousand inhabitants.  It is
in length three glomglungs (which make about fifty-four English
miles,) and two and a half in breadth; as I measured it myself in
the royal map made by the king's order, which was laid on the
ground on purpose for me, and extended a hundred feet:  I paced the
diameter and circumference several times barefoot, and, computing
by the scale, measured it pretty exactly.

The king's palace is no regular edifice, but a heap of buildings,
about seven miles round:  the chief rooms are generally two hundred
and forty feet high, and broad and long in proportion.  A coach was
allowed to Glumdalclitch and me, wherein her governess frequently
took her out to see the town, or go among the shops; and I was
always of the party, carried in my box; although the girl, at my
own desire, would often take me out, and hold me in her hand, that
I might more conveniently view the houses and the people, as we
passed along the streets.  I reckoned our coach to be about a
square of Westminster-hall, but not altogether so high:  however, I
cannot be very exact.  One day the governess ordered our coachman
to stop at several shops, where the beggars, watching their
opportunity, crowded to the sides of the coach, and gave me the
most horrible spectacle that ever a European eye beheld.  There was
a woman with a cancer in her breast, swelled to a monstrous size,
full of holes, in two or three of which I could have easily crept,
and covered my whole body.  There was a fellow with a wen in his
neck, larger than five wool-packs; and another, with a couple of
wooden legs, each about twenty feet high.  But the most hateful
sight of all, was the lice crawling on their clothes.  I could see
distinctly the limbs of these vermin with my naked eye, much better
than those of a European louse through a microscope, and their
snouts with which they rooted like swine.  They were the first I
had ever beheld, and I should have been curious enough to dissect
one of them, if I had had proper instruments, which I unluckily
left behind me in the ship, although, indeed, the sight was so
nauseous, that it perfectly turned my stomach.

Besides the large box in which I was usually carried, the queen
ordered a smaller one to be made for me, of about twelve feet
square, and ten high, for the convenience of travelling; because
the other was somewhat too large for Glumdalclitch's lap, and
cumbersome in the coach; it was made by the same artist, whom I
directed in the whole contrivance.  This travelling-closet was an
exact square, with a window in the middle of three of the squares,
and each window was latticed with iron wire on the outside, to
prevent accidents in long journeys.  On the fourth side, which had
no window, two strong staples were fixed, through which the person
that carried me, when I had a mind to be on horseback, put a
leathern belt, and buckled it about his waist.  This was always the
office of some grave trusty servant, in whom I could confide,
whether I attended the king and queen in their progresses, or were
disposed to see the gardens, or pay a visit to some great lady or
minister of state in the court, when Glumdalclitch happened to be
out of order; for I soon began to be known and esteemed among the
greatest officers, I suppose more upon account of their majesties'
favour, than any merit of my own.  In journeys, when I was weary of
the coach, a servant on horseback would buckle on my box, and place
it upon a cushion before him; and there I had a full prospect of
the country on three sides, from my three windows.  I had, in this
closet, a field-bed and a hammock, hung from the ceiling, two
chairs and a table, neatly screwed to the floor, to prevent being
tossed about by the agitation of the horse or the coach.  And
having been long used to sea-voyages, those motions, although
sometimes very violent, did not much discompose me.

Whenever I had a mind to see the town, it was always in my
travelling-closet; which Glumdalclitch held in her lap in a kind of
open sedan, after the fashion of the country, borne by four men,
and attended by two others in the queen's livery.  The people, who
had often heard of me, were very curious to crowd about the sedan,
and the girl was complaisant enough to make the bearers stop, and
to take me in her hand, that I might be more conveniently seen.

I was very desirous to see the chief temple, and particularly the
tower belonging to it, which is reckoned the highest in the
kingdom.  Accordingly one day my nurse carried me thither, but I
may truly say I came back disappointed; for the height is not above
three thousand feet, reckoning from the ground to the highest
pinnacle top; which, allowing for the difference between the size
of those people and us in Europe, is no great matter for
admiration, nor at all equal in proportion (if I rightly remember)
to Salisbury steeple.  But, not to detract from a nation, to which,
during my life, I shall acknowledge myself extremely obliged, it
must be allowed, that whatever this famous tower wants in height,
is amply made up in beauty and strength:  for the walls are near a
hundred feet thick, built of hewn stone, whereof each is about
forty feet square, and adorned on all sides with statues of gods
and emperors, cut in marble, larger than the life, placed in their
several niches.  I measured a little finger which had fallen down
from one of these statues, and lay unperceived among some rubbish,
and found it exactly four feet and an inch in length.
Glumdalclitch wrapped it up in her handkerchief, and carried it
home in her pocket, to keep among other trinkets, of which the girl
was very fond, as children at her age usually are.

The king's kitchen is indeed a noble building, vaulted at top, and
about six hundred feet high.  The great oven is not so wide, by ten
paces, as the cupola at St. Paul's:  for I measured the latter on
purpose, after my return.  But if I should describe the kitchen
grate, the prodigious pots and kettles, the joints of meat turning
on the spits, with many other particulars, perhaps I should be
hardly believed; at least a severe critic would be apt to think I
enlarged a little, as travellers are often suspected to do.  To
avoid which censure I fear I have run too much into the other
extreme; and that if this treatise should happen to be translated
into the language of Brobdingnag (which is the general name of that
kingdom,) and transmitted thither, the king and his people would
have reason to complain that I had done them an injury, by a false
and diminutive representation.

His majesty seldom keeps above six hundred horses in his stables:
they are generally from fifty-four to sixty feet high.  But, when
he goes abroad on solemn days, he is attended, for state, by a
military guard of five hundred horse, which, indeed, I thought was
the most splendid sight that could be ever beheld, till I saw part
of his army in battalia, whereof I shall find another occasion to
speak.



CHAPTER V.



[Several adventurers that happened to the author.  The execution of
a criminal.  The author shows his skill in navigation.]

I should have lived happy enough in that country, if my littleness
had not exposed me to several ridiculous and troublesome accidents;
some of which I shall venture to relate.  Glumdalclitch often
carried me into the gardens of the court in my smaller box, and
would sometimes take me out of it, and hold me in her hand, or set
me down to walk.  I remember, before the dwarf left the queen, he
followed us one day into those gardens, and my nurse having set me
down, he and I being close together, near some dwarf apple trees, I
must needs show my wit, by a silly allusion between him and the
trees, which happens to hold in their language as it does in ours.
Whereupon, the malicious rogue, watching his opportunity, when I
was walking under one of them, shook it directly over my head, by
which a dozen apples, each of them near as large as a Bristol
barrel, came tumbling about my ears; one of them hit me on the back
as I chanced to stoop, and knocked me down flat on my face; but I
received no other hurt, and the dwarf was pardoned at my desire,
because I had given the provocation.

Another day, Glumdalclitch left me on a smooth grass-plot to divert
myself, while she walked at some distance with her governess.  In
the meantime, there suddenly fell such a violent shower of hail,
that I was immediately by the force of it, struck to the ground:
and when I was down, the hailstones gave me such cruel bangs all
over the body, as if I had been pelted with tennis-balls; however,
I made a shift to creep on all fours, and shelter myself, by lying
flat on my face, on the lee-side of a border of lemon-thyme, but so
bruised from head to foot, that I could not go abroad in ten days.
Neither is this at all to be wondered at, because nature, in that
country, observing the same proportion through all her operations,
a hailstone is near eighteen hundred times as large as one in
Europe; which I can assert upon experience, having been so curious
as to weigh and measure them.

But a more dangerous accident happened to me in the same garden,
when my little nurse, believing she had put me in a secure place
(which I often entreated her to do, that I might enjoy my own
thoughts,) and having left my box at home, to avoid the trouble of
carrying it, went to another part of the garden with her governess
and some ladies of her acquaintance.  While she was absent, and out
of hearing, a small white spaniel that belonged to one of the chief
gardeners, having got by accident into the garden, happened to
range near the place where I lay:  the dog, following the scent,
came directly up, and taking me in his mouth, ran straight to his
master wagging his tail, and set me gently on the ground.  By good
fortune he had been so well taught, that I was carried between his
teeth without the least hurt, or even tearing my clothes.  But the
poor gardener, who knew me well, and had a great kindness for me,
was in a terrible fright:  he gently took me up in both his hands,
and asked me how I did? but I was so amazed and out of breath, that
I could not speak a word.  In a few minutes I came to myself, and
he carried me safe to my little nurse, who, by this time, had
returned to the place where she left me, and was in cruel agonies
when I did not appear, nor answer when she called.  She severely
reprimanded the gardener on account of his dog.  But the thing was
hushed up, and never known at court, for the girl was afraid of the
queen's anger; and truly, as to myself, I thought it would not be
for my reputation, that such a story should go about.

This accident absolutely determined Glumdalclitch never to trust me
abroad for the future out of her sight.  I had been long afraid of
this resolution, and therefore concealed from her some little
unlucky adventures, that happened in those times when I was left by
myself.  Once a kite, hovering over the garden, made a stoop at me,
and if I had not resolutely drawn my hanger, and run under a thick
espalier, he would have certainly carried me away in his talons.
Another time, walking to the top of a fresh mole-hill, I fell to my
neck in the hole, through which that animal had cast up the earth,
and coined some lie, not worth remembering, to excuse myself for
spoiling my clothes.  I likewise broke my right shin against the
shell of a snail, which I happened to stumble over, as I was
walking alone and thinking on poor England.

I cannot tell whether I were more pleased or mortified to observe,
in those solitary walks, that the smaller birds did not appear to
be at all afraid of me, but would hop about within a yard's
distance, looking for worms and other food, with as much
indifference and security as if no creature at all were near them.
I remember, a thrush had the confidence to snatch out of my hand,
with his bill, a of cake that Glumdalclitch had just given me for
my breakfast.  When I attempted to catch any of these birds, they
would boldly turn against me, endeavouring to peck my fingers,
which I durst not venture within their reach; and then they would
hop back unconcerned, to hunt for worms or snails, as they did
before.  But one day, I took a thick cudgel, and threw it with all
my strength so luckily, at a linnet, that I knocked him down, and
seizing him by the neck with both my hands, ran with him in triumph
to my nurse.  However, the bird, who had only been stunned,
recovering himself gave me so many boxes with his wings, on both
sides of my head and body, though I held him at arm's-length, and
was out of the reach of his claws, that I was twenty times thinking
to let him go.  But I was soon relieved by one of our servants, who
wrung off the bird's neck, and I had him next day for dinner, by
the queen's command.  This linnet, as near as I can remember,
seemed to be somewhat larger than an English swan.

The maids of honour often invited Glumdalclitch to their
apartments, and desired she would bring me along with her, on
purpose to have the pleasure of seeing and touching me.  They would
often strip me naked from top to toe, and lay me at full length in
their bosoms; wherewith I was much disgusted because, to say the
truth, a very offensive smell came from their skins; which I do not
mention, or intend, to the disadvantage of those excellent ladies,
for whom I have all manner of respect; but I conceive that my sense
was more acute in proportion to my littleness, and that those
illustrious persons were no more disagreeable to their lovers, or
to each other, than people of the same quality are with us in
England.  And, after all, I found their natural smell was much more
supportable, than when they used perfumes, under which I
immediately swooned away.  I cannot forget, that an intimate friend
of mine in Lilliput, took the freedom in a warm day, when I had
used a good deal of exercise, to complain of a strong smell about
me, although I am as little faulty that way, as most of my sex:
but I suppose his faculty of smelling was as nice with regard to
me, as mine was to that of this people.  Upon this point, I cannot
forbear doing justice to the queen my mistress, and Glumdalclitch
my nurse, whose persons were as sweet as those of any lady in
England.

That which gave me most uneasiness among these maids of honour
(when my nurse carried me to visit then) was, to see them use me
without any manner of ceremony, like a creature who had no sort of
consequence:  for they would strip themselves to the skin, and put
on their smocks in my presence, while I was placed on their toilet,
directly before their naked bodies, which I am sure to me was very
far from being a tempting sight, or from giving me any other
emotions than those of horror and disgust:  their skins appeared so
coarse and uneven, so variously coloured, when I saw them near,
with a mole here and there as broad as a trencher, and hairs
hanging from it thicker than packthreads, to say nothing farther
concerning the rest of their persons.  Neither did they at all
scruple, while I was by, to discharge what they had drank, to the
quantity of at least two hogsheads, in a vessel that held above
three tuns.  The handsomest among these maids of honour, a
pleasant, frolicsome girl of sixteen, would sometimes set me
astride upon one of her nipples, with many other tricks, wherein
the reader will excuse me for not being over particular.  But I was
so much displeased, that I entreated Glumdalclitch to contrive some
excuse for not seeing that young lady any more.

One day, a young gentleman, who was nephew to my nurse's governess,
came and pressed them both to see an execution.  It was of a man,
who had murdered one of that gentleman's intimate acquaintance.
Glumdalclitch was prevailed on to be of the company, very much
against her inclination, for she was naturally tender-hearted:
and, as for myself, although I abhorred such kind of spectacles,
yet my curiosity tempted me to see something that I thought must be
extraordinary.  The malefactor was fixed in a chair upon a scaffold
erected for that purpose, and his head cut off at one blow, with a
sword of about forty feet long.  The veins and arteries spouted up
such a prodigious quantity of blood, and so high in the air, that
the great jet d'eau at Versailles was not equal to it for the time
it lasted:  and the head, when it fell on the scaffold floor, gave
such a bounce as made me start, although I was at least half an
English mile distant.

The queen, who often used to hear me talk of my sea-voyages, and
took all occasions to divert me when I was melancholy, asked me
whether I understood how to handle a sail or an oar, and whether a
little exercise of rowing might not be convenient for my health?  I
answered, that I understood both very well:  for although my proper
employment had been to be surgeon or doctor to the ship, yet often,
upon a pinch, I was forced to work like a common mariner.  But I
could not see how this could be done in their country, where the
smallest wherry was equal to a first-rate man of war among us; and
such a boat as I could manage would never live in any of their
rivers.  Her majesty said, if I would contrive a boat, her own
joiner should make it, and she would provide a place for me to sail
in.  The fellow was an ingenious workman, and by my instructions,
in ten days, finished a pleasure-boat with all its tackling, able
conveniently to hold eight Europeans.  When it was finished, the
queen was so delighted, that she ran with it in her lap to the
king, who ordered it to be put into a cistern full of water, with
me in it, by way of trial, where I could not manage my two sculls,
or little oars, for want of room.  But the queen had before
contrived another project.  She ordered the joiner to make a wooden
trough of three hundred feet long, fifty broad, and eight deep;
which, being well pitched, to prevent leaking, was placed on the
floor, along the wall, in an outer room of the palace.  It had a
cock near the bottom to let out the water, when it began to grow
stale; and two servants could easily fill it in half an hour.  Here
I often used to row for my own diversion, as well as that of the
queen and her ladies, who thought themselves well entertained with
my skill and agility.  Sometimes I would put up my sail, and then
my business was only to steer, while the ladies gave me a gale with
their fans; and, when they were weary, some of their pages would
blow my sail forward with their breath, while I showed my art by
steering starboard or larboard as I pleased.  When I had done,
Glumdalclitch always carried back my boat into her closet, and hung
it on a nail to dry.

In this exercise I once met an accident, which had like to have
cost me my life; for, one of the pages having put my boat into the
trough, the governess who attended Glumdalclitch very officiously
lifted me up, to place me in the boat:  but I happened to slip
through her fingers, and should infallibly have fallen down forty
feet upon the floor, if, by the luckiest chance in the world, I had
not been stopped by a corking-pin that stuck in the good
gentlewoman's stomacher; the head of the pin passing between my
shirt and the waistband of my breeches, and thus I was held by the
middle in the air, till Glumdalclitch ran to my relief.

Another time, one of the servants, whose office it was to fill my
trough every third day with fresh water, was so careless as to let
a huge frog (not perceiving it) slip out of his pail.  The frog lay
concealed till I was put into my boat, but then, seeing a resting-
place, climbed up, and made it lean so much on one side, that I was
forced to balance it with all my weight on the other, to prevent
overturning.  When the frog was got in, it hopped at once half the
length of the boat, and then over my head, backward and forward,
daubing my face and clothes with its odious slime.  The largeness
of its features made it appear the most deformed animal that can be
conceived.  However, I desired Glumdalclitch to let me deal with it
alone.  I banged it a good while with one of my sculls, and at last
forced it to leap out of the boat.

But the greatest danger I ever underwent in that kingdom, was from
a monkey, who belonged to one of the clerks of the kitchen.
Glumdalclitch had locked me up in her closet, while she went
somewhere upon business, or a visit.  The weather being very warm,
the closet-window was left open, as well as the windows and the
door of my bigger box, in which I usually lived, because of its
largeness and conveniency.  As I sat quietly meditating at my
table, I heard something bounce in at the closet-window, and skip
about from one side to the other:  whereat, although I was much
alarmed, yet I ventured to look out, but not stirring from my seat;
and then I saw this frolicsome animal frisking and leaping up and
down, till at last he came to my box, which he seemed to view with
great pleasure and curiosity, peeping in at the door and every
window.  I retreated to the farther corner of my room; or box; but
the monkey looking in at every side, put me in such a fright, that
I wanted presence of mind to conceal myself under the bed, as I
might easily have done.  After some time spent in peeping,
grinning, and chattering, he at last espied me; and reaching one of
his paws in at the door, as a cat does when she plays with a mouse,
although I often shifted place to avoid him, he at length seized
the lappet of my coat (which being made of that country silk, was
very thick and strong), and dragged me out.  He took me up in his
right fore-foot and held me as a nurse does a child she is going to
suckle, just as I have seen the same sort of creature do with a
kitten in Europe; and when I offered to struggle he squeezed me so
hard, that I thought it more prudent to submit.  I have good reason
to believe, that he took me for a young one of his own species, by
his often stroking my face very gently with his other paw.  In
these diversions he was interrupted by a noise at the closet door,
as if somebody were opening it:  whereupon he suddenly leaped up to
the window at which he had come in, and thence upon the leads and
gutters, walking upon three legs, and holding me in the fourth,
till he clambered up to a roof that was next to ours.  I heard
Glumdalclitch give a shriek at the moment he was carrying me out.
The poor girl was almost distracted:  that quarter of the palace
was all in an uproar; the servants ran for ladders; the monkey was
seen by hundreds in the court, sitting upon the ridge of a
building, holding me like a baby in one of his forepaws, and
feeding me with the other, by cramming into my mouth some victuals
he had squeezed out of the bag on one side of his chaps, and
patting me when I would not eat; whereat many of the rabble below
could not forbear laughing; neither do I think they justly ought to
be blamed, for, without question, the sight was ridiculous enough
to every body but myself.  Some of the people threw up stones,
hoping to drive the monkey down; but this was strictly forbidden,
or else, very probably, my brains had been dashed out.

The ladders were now applied, and mounted by several men; which the
monkey observing, and finding himself almost encompassed, not being
able to make speed enough with his three legs, let me drop on a
ridge tile, and made his escape.  Here I sat for some time, five
hundred yards from the ground, expecting every moment to be blown
down by the wind, or to fall by my own giddiness, and come tumbling
over and over from the ridge to the eaves; but an honest lad, one
of my nurse's footmen, climbed up, and putting me into his breeches
pocket, brought me down safe.

I was almost choked with the filthy stuff the monkey had crammed
down my throat:  but my dear little nurse picked it out of my mouth
with a small needle, and then I fell a-vomiting, which gave me
great relief.  Yet I was so weak and bruised in the sides with the
squeezes given me by this odious animal, that I was forced to keep
my bed a fortnight.  The king, queen, and all the court, sent every
day to inquire after my health; and her majesty made me several
visits during my sickness.  The monkey was killed, and an order
made, that no such animal should be kept about the palace.

When I attended the king after my recovery, to return him thanks
for his favours, he was pleased to rally me a good deal upon this
adventure.  He asked me, "what my thoughts and speculations were,
while I lay in the monkey's paw; how I liked the victuals he gave
me; his manner of feeding; and whether the fresh air on the roof
had sharpened my stomach."  He desired to know, "what I would have
done upon such an occasion in my own country."  I told his majesty,
"that in Europe we had no monkeys, except such as were brought for
curiosity from other places, and so small, that I could deal with a
dozen of them together, if they presumed to attack me.  And as for
that monstrous animal with whom I was so lately engaged (it was
indeed as large as an elephant), if my fears had suffered me to
think so far as to make use of my hanger," (looking fiercely, and
clapping my hand on the hilt, as I spoke) "when he poked his paw
into my chamber, perhaps I should have given him such a wound, as
would have made him glad to withdraw it with more haste than he put
it in."  This I delivered in a firm tone, like a person who was
jealous lest his courage should be called in question.  However, my
speech produced nothing else beside a laud laughter, which all the
respect due to his majesty from those about him could not make them
contain.  This made me reflect, how vain an attempt it is for a man
to endeavour to do himself honour among those who are out of all
degree of equality or comparison with him.  And yet I have seen the
moral of my own behaviour very frequent in England since my return;
where a little contemptible varlet, without the least title to
birth, person, wit, or common sense, shall presume to look with
importance, and put himself upon a foot with the greatest persons
of the kingdom.

I was every day furnishing the court with some ridiculous story:
and Glumdalclitch, although she loved me to excess, yet was arch
enough to inform the queen, whenever I committed any folly that she
thought would be diverting to her majesty.  The girl, who had been
out of order, was carried by her governess to take the air about an
hour's distance, or thirty miles from town.  They alighted out of
the coach near a small foot-path in a field, and Glumdalclitch
setting down my travelling box, I went out of it to walk.  There
was a cow-dung in the path, and I must need try my activity by
attempting to leap over it.  I took a run, but unfortunately jumped
short, and found myself just in the middle up to my knees.  I waded
through with some difficulty, and one of the footmen wiped me as
clean as he could with his handkerchief, for I was filthily
bemired; and my nurse confined me to my box, till we returned home;
where the queen was soon informed of what had passed, and the
footmen spread it about the court:  so that all the mirth for some
days was at my expense.



CHAPTER VI.



[Several contrivances of the author to please the king and queen.
He shows his skill in music.  The king inquires into the state of
England, which the author relates to him.  The king's observations
thereon.]

I used to attend the king's levee once or twice a week, and had
often seen him under the barber's hand, which indeed was at first
very terrible to behold; for the razor was almost twice as long as
an ordinary scythe.  His majesty, according to the custom of the
country, was only shaved twice a-week.  I once prevailed on the
barber to give me some of the suds or lather, out of which I picked
forty or fifty of the strongest stumps of hair.  I then took a
piece of fine wood, and cut it like the back of a comb, making
several holes in it at equal distances with as small a needle as I
could get from Glumdalclitch.  I fixed in the stumps so
artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife toward the
points, that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a seasonable
supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth, that it was
almost useless:  neither did I know any artist in that country so
nice and exact, as would undertake to make me another.

And this puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many of
my leisure hours.  I desired the queen's woman to save for me the
combings of her majesty's hair, whereof in time I got a good
quantity; and consulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had
received general orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to
make two chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and to
bore little holes with a fine awl, round those parts where I
designed the backs and seats; through these holes I wove the
strongest hairs I could pick out, just after the manner of cane
chairs in England.  When they were finished, I made a present of
them to her majesty; who kept them in her cabinet, and used to show
them for curiosities, as indeed they were the wonder of every one
that beheld them.  The queen would have me sit upon one of these
chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would
rather die than place a dishonourable part of my body on those
precious hairs, that once adorned her majesty's head.  Of these
hairs (as I had always a mechanical genius) I likewise made a neat
little purse, about five feet long, with her majesty's name
deciphered in gold letters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the
queen's consent.  To say the truth, it was more for show than use,
being not of strength to bear the weight of the larger coins, and
therefore she kept nothing in it but some little toys that girls
are fond of.

The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court,
to which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to
hear them:  but the noise was so great that I could hardly
distinguish the tunes.  I am confident that all the drums and
trumpets of a royal army, beating and sounding together just at
your ears, could not equal it.  My practice was to have my box
removed from the place where the performers sat, as far as I could,
then to shut the doors and windows of it, and draw the window
curtains; after which I found their music not disagreeable.

I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the spinet.
Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended twice
a-week to teach her:  I called it a spinet, because it somewhat
resembled that instrument, and was played upon in the same manner.
A fancy came into my head, that I would entertain the king and
queen with an English tune upon this instrument.  But this appeared
extremely difficult:  for the spinet was near sixty feet long, each
key being almost a foot wide, so that with my arms extended I could
not reach to above five keys, and to press them down required a
good smart stroke with my fist, which would be too great a labour,
and to no purpose.  The method I contrived was this:  I prepared
two round sticks, about the bigness of common cudgels; they were
thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the thicker ends
with pieces of a mouse's skin, that by rapping on them I might
neither damage the tops of the keys nor interrupt the sound.
Before the spinet a bench was placed, about four feet below the
keys, and I was put upon the bench.  I ran sideling upon it, that
way and this, as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my
two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig, to the great
satisfaction of both their majesties; but it was the most violent
exercise I ever underwent; and yet I could not strike above sixteen
keys, nor consequently play the bass and treble together, as other
artists do; which was a great disadvantage to my performance.

The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent
understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in
my box, and set upon the table in his closet:  he would then
command me to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down
within three yards distance upon the top of the cabinet, which
brought me almost to a level with his face.  In this manner I had
several conversations with him.  I one day took the freedom to tell
his majesty, "that the contempt he discovered towards Europe, and
the rest of the world, did not seem answerable to those excellent
qualities of mind that he was master of; that reason did not extend
itself with the bulk of the body; on the contrary, we observed in
our country, that the tallest persons were usually the least
provided with it; that among other animals, bees and ants had the
reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity, than many of the
larger kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I
hoped I might live to do his majesty some signal service."  The
king heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much better
opinion of me than he had ever before.  He desired "I would give
him as exact an account of the government of England as I possibly
could; because, as fond as princes commonly are of their own
customs (for so he conjectured of other monarchs, by my former
discourses), he should be glad to hear of any thing that might
deserve imitation."

Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for
the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to
celebrate the praise of my own dear native country in a style equal
to its merits and felicity.

I began my discourse by informing his majesty, that our dominions
consisted of two islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms,
under one sovereign, beside our plantations in America.  I dwelt
long upon the fertility of our soil, and the temperature of our
climate.  I then spoke at large upon the constitution of an English
parliament; partly made up of an illustrious body called the House
of Peers; persons of the noblest blood, and of the most ancient and
ample patrimonies.  I described that extraordinary care always
taken of their education in arts and arms, to qualify them for
being counsellors both to the king and kingdom; to have a share in
the legislature; to be members of the highest court of judicature,
whence there can be no appeal; and to be champions always ready for
the defence of their prince and country, by their valour, conduct,
and fidelity.  That these were the ornament and bulwark of the
kingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned ancestors, whose
honour had been the reward of their virtue, from which their
posterity were never once known to degenerate.  To these were
joined several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under the
title of bishops, whose peculiar business is to take care of
religion, and of those who instruct the people therein.  These were
searched and sought out through the whole nation, by the prince and
his wisest counsellors, among such of the priesthood as were most
deservedly distinguished by the sanctity of their lives, and the
depth of their erudition; who were indeed the spiritual fathers of
the clergy and the people.

That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly
called the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen,
freely picked and culled out by the people themselves, for their
great abilities and love of their country, to represent the wisdom
of the whole nation.  And that these two bodies made up the most
august assembly in Europe; to whom, in conjunction with the prince,
the whole legislature is committed.

I then descended to the courts of justice; over which the judges,
those venerable sages and interpreters of the law, presided, for
determining the disputed rights and properties of men, as well as
for the punishment of vice and protection of innocence.  I
mentioned the prudent management of our treasury; the valour and
achievements of our forces, by sea and land.  I computed the number
of our people, by reckoning how many millions there might be of
each religious sect, or political party among us.  I did not omit
even our sports and pastimes, or any other particular which I
thought might redound to the honour of my country.  And I finished
all with a brief historical account of affairs and events in
England for about a hundred years past.

This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of
several hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention,
frequently taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums of
what questions he intended to ask me.

When I had put an end to these long discources, his majesty, in a
sixth audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts,
queries, and objections, upon every article.  He asked, "What
methods were used to cultivate the minds and bodies of our young
nobility, and in what kind of business they commonly spent the
first and teachable parts of their lives?  What course was taken to
supply that assembly, when any noble family became extinct?  What
qualifications were necessary in those who are to be created new
lords:  whether the humour of the prince, a sum of money to a court
lady, or a design of strengthening a party opposite to the public
interest, ever happened to be the motive in those advancements?
What share of knowledge these lords had in the laws of their
country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to decide
the properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort?
Whether they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or
want, that a bribe, or some other sinister view, could have no
place among them?  Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always
promoted to that rank upon account of their knowledge in religious
matters, and the sanctity of their lives; had never been compliers
with the times, while they were common priests; or slavish
prostitute chaplains to some nobleman, whose opinions they
continued servilely to follow, after they were admitted into that
assembly?"

He then desired to know, "What arts were practised in electing
those whom I called commoners:  whether a stranger, with a strong
purse, might not influence the vulgar voters to choose him before
their own landlord, or the most considerable gentleman in the
neighbourhood?  How it came to pass, that people were so violently
bent upon getting into this assembly, which I allowed to be a great
trouble and expense, often to the ruin of their families, without
any salary or pension? because this appeared such an exalted strain
of virtue and public spirit, that his majesty seemed to doubt it
might possibly not be always sincere."  And he desired to know,
"Whether such zealous gentlemen could have any views of refunding
themselves for the charges and trouble they were at by sacrificing
the public good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in
conjunction with a corrupted ministry?"  He multiplied his
questions, and sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this head,
proposing numberless inquiries and objections, which I think it not
prudent or convenient to repeat.

Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty
desired to be satisfied in several points:  and this I was the
better able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long
suit in chancery, which was decreed for me with costs.  He asked,
"What time was usually spent in determining between right and
wrong, and what degree of expense?  Whether advocates and orators
had liberty to plead in causes manifestly known to be unjust,
vexatious, or oppressive?  Whether party, in religion or politics,
were observed to be of any weight in the scale of justice?  Whether
those pleading orators were persons educated in the general
knowledge of equity, or only in provincial, national, and other
local customs?  Whether they or their judges had any part in
penning those laws, which they assumed the liberty of interpreting,
and glossing upon at their pleasure?  Whether they had ever, at
different times, pleaded for and against the same cause, and cited
precedents to prove contrary opinions?  Whether they were a rich or
a poor corporation?  Whether they received any pecuniary reward for
pleading, or delivering their opinions?  And particularly, whether
they were ever admitted as members in the lower senate?"

He fell next upon the management of our treasury; and said, "he
thought my memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at
about five or six millions a-year, and when I came to mention the
issues, he found they sometimes amounted to more than double; for
the notes he had taken were very particular in this point, because
he hoped, as he told me, that the knowledge of our conduct might be
useful to him, and he could not be deceived in his calculations.
But, if what I told him were true, he was still at a loss how a
kingdom could run out of its estate, like a private person."  He
asked me, "who were our creditors; and where we found money to pay
them?"  He wondered to hear me talk of such chargeable and
expensive wars; "that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, or
live among very bad neighbours, and that our generals must needs be
richer than our kings."  He asked, what business we had out of our
own islands, unless upon the score of trade, or treaty, or to
defend the coasts with our fleet?"  Above all, he was amazed to
hear me talk of a mercenary standing army, in the midst of peace,
and among a free people.  He said, "if we were governed by our own
consent, in the persons of our representatives, he could not
imagine of whom we were afraid, or against whom we were to fight;
and would hear my opinion, whether a private man's house might not
be better defended by himself, his children, and family, than by
half-a-dozen rascals, picked up at a venture in the streets for
small wages, who might get a hundred times more by cutting their
throats?"

He laughed at my "odd kind of arithmetic," as he was pleased to
call it, "in reckoning the numbers of our people, by a computation
drawn from the several sects among us, in religion and politics."
He said, "he knew no reason why those, who entertain opinions
prejudicial to the public, should be obliged to change, or should
not be obliged to conceal them.  And as it was tyranny in any
government to require the first, so it was weakness not to enforce
the second:  for a man may be allowed to keep poisons in his
closet, but not to vend them about for cordials."

He observed, "that among the diversions of our nobility and gentry,
I had mentioned gaming:  he desired to know at what age this
entertainment was usually taken up, and when it was laid down; how
much of their time it employed; whether it ever went so high as to
affect their fortunes; whether mean, vicious people, by their
dexterity in that art, might not arrive at great riches, and
sometimes keep our very nobles in dependence, as well as habituate
them to vile companions, wholly take them from the improvement of
their minds, and force them, by the losses they received, to learn
and practise that infamous dexterity upon others?"

He was perfectly astonished with the historical account gave him of
our affairs during the last century; protesting "it was only a heap
of conspiracies, rebellions, murders, massacres, revolutions,
banishments, the very worst effects that avarice, faction,
hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madness, hatred, envy,
lust, malice, and ambition, could produce."

His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate
the sum of all I had spoken; compared the questions he made with
the answers I had given; then taking me into his hands, and
stroking me gently, delivered himself in these words, which I shall
never forget, nor the manner he spoke them in:  "My little friend
Grildrig, you have made a most admirable panegyric upon your
country; you have clearly proved, that ignorance, idleness, and
vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator; that
laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied, by those whose
interest and abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding
them.  I observe among you some lines of an institution, which, in
its original, might have been tolerable, but these half erased, and
the rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions.  It does not
appear, from all you have said, how any one perfection is required
toward the procurement of any one station among you; much less,
that men are ennobled on account of their virtue; that priests are
advanced for their piety or learning; soldiers, for their conduct
or valour; judges, for their integrity; senators, for the love of
their country; or counsellors for their wisdom.  As for yourself,"
continued the king, "who have spent the greatest part of your life
in travelling, I am well disposed to hope you may hitherto have
escaped many vices of your country.  But by what I have gathered
from your own relation, and the answers I have with much pains
wrung and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your
natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that
nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth."



CHAPTER VII.



[The author's love of his country.  He makes a proposal of much
advantage to the king, which is rejected.  The king's great
ignorance in politics.  The learning of that country very imperfect
and confined.  The laws, and military affairs, and parties in the
state.]

Nothing but an extreme love of truth could have hindered me from
concealing this part of my story.  It was in vain to discover my
resentments, which were always turned into ridicule; and I was
forced to rest with patience, while my noble and beloved country
was so injuriously treated.  I am as heartily sorry as any of my
readers can possibly be, that such an occasion was given:  but this
prince happened to be so curious and inquisitive upon every
particular, that it could not consist either with gratitude or good
manners, to refuse giving him what satisfaction I was able.  Yet
thus much I may be allowed to say in my own vindication, that I
artfully eluded many of his questions, and gave to every point a
more favourable turn, by many degrees, than the strictness of truth
would allow.  For I have always borne that laudable partiality to
my own country, which Dionysius Halicarnassensis, with so much
justice, recommends to an historian:  I would hide the frailties
and deformities of my political mother, and place her virtues and
beauties in the most advantageous light.  This was my sincere
endeavour in those many discourses I had with that monarch,
although it unfortunately failed of success.

But great allowances should be given to a king, who lives wholly
secluded from the rest of the world, and must therefore be
altogether unacquainted with the manners and customs that most
prevail in other nations:  the want of which knowledge will ever
produce many prejudices, and a certain narrowness of thinking, from
which we, and the politer countries of Europe, are wholly exempted.
And it would be hard indeed, if so remote a prince's notions of
virtue and vice were to be offered as a standard for all mankind.

To confirm what I have now said, and further to show the miserable
effects of a confined education, I shall here insert a passage,
which will hardly obtain belief.  In hopes to ingratiate myself
further into his majesty's favour, I told him of "an invention,
discovered between three and four hundred years ago, to make a
certain powder, into a heap of which, the smallest spark of fire
falling, would kindle the whole in a moment, although it were as
big as a mountain, and make it all fly up in the air together, with
a noise and agitation greater than thunder.  That a proper quantity
of this powder rammed into a hollow tube of brass or iron,
according to its bigness, would drive a ball of iron or lead, with
such violence and speed, as nothing was able to sustain its force.
That the largest balls thus discharged, would not only destroy
whole ranks of an army at once, but batter the strongest walls to
the ground, sink down ships, with a thousand men in each, to the
bottom of the sea, and when linked together by a chain, would cut
through masts and rigging, divide hundreds of bodies in the middle,
and lay all waste before them.  That we often put this powder into
large hollow balls of iron, and discharged them by an engine into
some city we were besieging, which would rip up the pavements, tear
the houses to pieces, burst and throw splinters on every side,
dashing out the brains of all who came near.  That I knew the
ingredients very well, which were cheap and common; I understood
the manner of compounding them, and could direct his workmen how to
make those tubes, of a size proportionable to all other things in
his majesty's kingdom, and the largest need not be above a hundred
feet long; twenty or thirty of which tubes, charged with the proper
quantity of powder and balls, would batter down the walls of the
strongest town in his dominions in a few hours, or destroy the
whole metropolis, if ever it should pretend to dispute his absolute
commands."  This I humbly offered to his majesty, as a small
tribute of acknowledgment, in turn for so many marks that I had
received, of his royal favour and protection.

The king was struck with horror at the description I had given of
those terrible engines, and the proposal I had made.  "He was
amazed, how so impotent and grovelling an insect as I" (these were
his expressions) "could entertain such inhuman ideas, and in so
familiar a manner, as to appear wholly unmoved at all the scenes of
blood and desolation which I had painted as the common effects of
those destructive machines; whereof," he said, "some evil genius,
enemy to mankind, must have been the first contriver.  As for
himself, he protested, that although few things delighted him so
much as new discoveries in art or in nature, yet he would rather
lose half his kingdom, than be privy to such a secret; which he
commanded me, as I valued any life, never to mention any more."